Faithfully Yours
by V.Johnes
Summary: Alex is dead, his world is shattered and it takes him so long to even wrap his head around the fact itself. Takes place about five weeks after the midseason finale.
1. Tormented Souls

**Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't own Designated Survivor**

 **A/N: Alex is dead, his world is shattered and it takes him so long to even wrap his head around the fact itself. Takes place about five weeks after the midseason finale.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 1: Tormented Souls**

 _Her bloody face is tormenting him again tonight, she looks at him sitting across the room silent, blood covering her hair, her face her clothes. There's so much that makes him sick, she doesn't say anything she just sits there studding him as he's lying on their bed, her pillow is still smelling like her hair, so she watches him clutching it closer. She appears many times per day, sometimes when he's trying to sleep, others in the oval, the blood dripping from her clothes to the beige carpet; sometimes she stands behind him in the bathroom when he's shaving the same empty look on her blue eyes, and instead of tears blood runs down her cheeks. He tried to hold her the first time she came to him, tried to grab her arm and hold her close to his chest, wash the blood from her face, from her hair, but her hand passed through his every time he tried._

 _He has learned his lesson this time though, he doesn't move to hold her, he doesn't go near her, he just sits on the bed, the covers around him, his hand clutching her pillow tightly watching her face, through the blood, the cuts and the bruises she's still beautiful._

 _"_ _You came again tonight" he can't help himself asking her, he swallows the sob with difficulty this time, "I did" her voice sounds different, as if it's not hers "Did you tell your therapist about me?" she asks, there's something sinister in her face as her lips twist in a smirk when he nodes his head negatively. "Of course you didn't. I told you not to." She gets up and walks closer to the bed, she usually doesn't come near him, this change throws him off and he tries to move farther away from her for the first time in weeks. "Why are you moving away from me Tom? Does my blood repulse you now?" he's frightened when she sits down on the bed next to him, he feels a chill running down his spine, even thought the room is warm enough for him to start sweating, he sees the white sheets staining with the blood from her clothes, there's something out of this world in her voice, it scares him the sweet tone she used when she said his name before. He moves his head away trying look away from her but her voice freezes him mid movement "Look at me!" she demands and he can't stop himself from doing exactly as she says. This thing scares him, and she leans closer, her face inches from his own, as his breath quickens and the tears fall from his eyes, "You did this to me!" she outers each word slowly, each word piercing his heart like a rusted knife "I'm sorry!" he sobs "I love you" he can't stop the tears, he doesn't want to either. "Please stop, I'm tired, can you be my Alex for tonight, torment me all you want tomorrow but just for tonight… be her." The woman in front of him straightens her back, she looks at him her cold eyes examining him "No" she simply says, "You're never seeing her again Tom. You killed her and I'll. Kill. You!" she used her pale finger to poke him on his chest, and he felt his heart stopping for a moment._

He jumps from his sleep, a loud gasp leaves his lips as he looks around the dark bedroom, Alex's things are all around him, her pillow in his arms the bloody shadow of his wife gone, his hands pat the side of the bed where her blood stained the sheets but he found them clean. His eyes fall on the frame on the bedside table he keeps there here and five weeks, this way her face is still the first one he sees in the morning. He took it a month after they moved in the white house, it was early and he had woken up earlier than her once again. He watched her sleeping, her blonde hair spread on her pillow like an angel's hallo. He can hear the blood pumping in his ears, tonight's nightmare was one of the worse, the shadow torments him from time to time but never like tonight. He reaches for his phone and goes to voicemails, his finger hovering over her last voicemail, it doesn't take him long to press play and leave her voice lull him back to sleep.

* * *

It's her first day back to work after the accident, people stop when she passes them by, their murmurs are driving her mental at the moment and she wishes she could just make them stop, just stop looking at her, stop talking about her just stop. It's as if every employ in the building blames her for what happened to Alex Kirkman, they don't know that she wishes she could swap places with her, she wishes she could be the one who's car got hit, if only to stop seeing the tear stricken face of the president every night in her sleep. When she finally reaches her office she closes the door behind her and leans back on the cold wood breathing slightly out. Her eyes closed tightly, few tears still managing to escape them and travel down her face.

When she manages to open her eyes again and takes a good look of her office for the first time in over a month, it's exactly the same as she left it on Christmas morning files thrown carelessly on the desk, the small singing Christmas tree the president got her still sitting there, a sad reminder of how different things were now. She walks to her chair and sits down heavily, takes the small tree in her hands; she runs her palm over its branches, feeling the plastic tickling her palm. She doesn't know when the tears started falling from her eyes but she realizes soon enough that she can't stop them, no matter how hard she tries, one tear follows the other until the render her breathless, gasping for some air to enter her lungs.

* * *

Hannah sits alone in her office, those past weeks she barely left the room, she's there before the first light of the sun touches the cold ground and leaves long after everyone in the building is asleep, not that she cared about many of them, only one, only one particular person that she was avoiding like the plague. This whole mess was her fault after all, had she not trusted Damian she wouldn't be in this mess, lying to everyone, everyone she loves and cares about. She can't trust anyone after all, Damian was so close to her, lived in her apartment, worked with her from this very same room, she can't know if he has bugged the place somehow, although Chuck promises her that there are no bugs in the room, or her apartment she won't rest until she kills him. Then and only then she'll be free from the web of lies she weaved.

She doesn't regret it, not really, this way she was saving a life, and she didn't care if that meant that everyone from Chuck to the president to Aaron and John would hate her and ostracize her because in the end she can say to herself that she did more than all of them did…

… she saved Alex Kirkman's life.

* * *

"Tom!"

His name leaves her lips like a prayer when she wakes up, looking at the small bed the side he would use is empty, she begged Hannah to let her call him, she can't live like this, he needs to know that she loves him, he needs to know that she is alright, he needs to know that she didn't abandon him, but Hannah insists on keeping this only between the two of them and the single doctor that takes care of her.

She moves her legs to the side of the bed and for the first time since Christmas she stands on her own two feet, the casts gone, her legs healed although a bit out of practice carry her weight to the window overlooking a gorge she doesn't know the exact name but the sound of the river is calming her so she opens the window and lets the freezing February wind hit her in the face. It's been so long since she felt the air on her face, blowing her hair, tangling them. The scent of the nature around her, she knows she's somewhere in southern Alaska but not where exactly she might be.

She closes her eyes, the beauty of the scenery around her is too much for her to take, soft snowflakes start falling on the already snow covered ground but she doesn't see it. All she sees is all she wants to see, the faces of her husband when he sleeps peacefully next to her, the face of her daughter as she laughs with their dog, the face of her son when he sits in the living room listening to his music, softly moving his head to the beat. She wants to see them again, not through the TV, not through her mind's eyes but in person, she wants to be able to wrap her arms around them, hold them close, wipe their tears away and fight the nightmares at night.

But she can't, she knows she can't, as long as Damian Rennet is alive she will be forced into solitary confinement, to protect them. Even if it was killing her inside she had to think about them first.

* * *

He doesn't sleep for long, just a couple hours before his alarm rings he gets up and looks around the room, he half expects the shadow to be there, waiting for him but she isn't. A robotic voice startles him, telling him to press one to repeat and he realizes that the phone is still on, still on his voicemails. He hangs up and leaves it back on Alex's pillow.

His feet mechanically carry him to the bathroom he doesn't look in the mirror when he blindly follows his morning routine. He starts shaving the blade smoothly moving over his face, he's nearly done when his hands spasms and he feels the blade slipping cutting his cheek, the blade falls from his hands hitting the white porcelain sink, the noise makes him flinch, grabbing the towel from the side he wipes the foam off and looks up trying to inspect the damage. The shadow is there when he does; she leans against the wall behind him. there's a cold smile on her face as she pushes herself of the wall and walks towards him "Did you hurt yourself Tom?" she asks, her voice sweet, almost as if she cares, Tom doesn't know why she makes him feel this way, almost as if he yearns for her presence, her blame, everything. He doesn't answer her which he knows will anger her but he can't. "Look at me Tom." Her command is soft this time, there's no anger but it still makes him turn to her, watch her bloody face, "Now we look the same don't we?" she asks, there's a sick smile on her face, one that brings a sob to his throat, "Why are you doing this?" he whispers, his voice not strong enough to speak louder.

"Because you deserve it!" the smile falls from her face and it slowly turns stone cold "Don't you Tom?" she asks. He tries his best not to answer, he closes his eyes trying to ignore her, sometimes she leaves when he ignores her long enough. "I'm not leaving without an answer Tom." Tom opens his eyes, she's still standing there next to him, her arms crossed over the bloody, red silk blouse Alex was wearing, "I do" he manages to say through the fresh tears rolling down his face "Is that what you want? Is this enough for you now? Can I have my wife back now?" this was the first time in weeks that he felt the rush of anger through him, it was a jolt of life he thought he didn't have in him anymore.

"That's nothing Tom, you think just because you admitted to me that everything is your fault I'll leave?" a cold chuckle left her lips "I'll leave when you're dead Tom, that's when I'll be happy." She moves closer invading his personal space again, just like last night, and she leans closer, her mouth next to his ear, "And I told you last night you are never seeing her again, not even in death." Tom raises his arms and tries to push her away, a primal scream leaving his lips, the shadow misses a few steps, as if he had actually pushed her back and looks at him with shock in her cold blue eyes. "Fine I'll leave. For now." with that he watches her disappear, like she did so many times into the thin mist.

He gasps for breath, falling to his knees, clutching his hands over his heart which is beating fast. The blood is rushing to his ears and the adrenaline in his veins makes him sick. He barely manages to get to the toilet before the vomit rose in his mouth, there was nothing in it though other than stomach acid and he soon found himself dry heaving. The tormenting becomes worse every single time and he wonders if he should tell his therapist after all.

This question, whether or not he should tell his therapist about the shadow was tormenting him the whole morning he wasn't sure what to do, he knows, somewhere deep down that he needs to tell him, he is trained for this and he could help him move past it, but on the other hand he has promised her he wouldn't tell a soul about her visits, it was back when she was sweeter to him, back when she would seek his touch and look almost desperate when his hand would move through hers. It scares him that this fragment of his imagination holds so much power over him, but in the end, for the first time in weeks logic wins.

When he walks in room Doctor Elis is already there, he raises his head and looks at him "Mr. President, welcome" Tom nodes and sits down, "How are you today sir?" Tom closes his eyes and runs a hand over his tired face, "If I am to tell you the truth, and if you want to truly help me stop talking to the president of the United States, because the president is fine, the president is doing his job, it's the man that's dying." The doctor looks at him, his lower lip between his teeth, as he takes his time to study Tom's face "Alright Tom, how are you today." His voice is even and soft, for the first time it makes him feel almost at ease, the feeling is so unfamiliar after everything that scares him.

"I… I can't move her things from where she left them." Tom admits, lowering his head, this was his moment to tell him about the shadow, about the torment falling from her lips like sweet poison but he can't, he catches himself before he can outer a word.

"But you need to try and move them, all of her things around you keep you back, have you thought leaving her mother packing her things for you?"

"No, Eva doesn't need that…" he opens his mouth, he's not sure what he wants to say, so he closes his mouth again and looks at the carpeted floor.

"I know you need her things around, or you feel like you do, but if you want to move on you have to remove them." The same jolt of anger flows through his veins again, Tom's head snaps back looking at the doctor sitting in front of him, he ignores the tears threatening to escape from his eyes and he stands up looking at the man with cold eyes "I will decide what I need to do, I won't be needing your help anymore doctor, you can leave." He turns on his heels and moves out of the room, walking down the corridor to the oval his eyes land on Kendra's door for a moment, to his surprise there's light underneath, as he moves closer he can hear soft music playing, Christmas music, which from time to time is interrupted by soft sobs.

He places a hand on the door not sure if he should enter or not. He spent days hoping it was her in the car and not Alex, angry at her for surviving when Alex didn't, sometimes he still feels that way but he also knows that if he had taken action to remove Forstell sooner neither of them would be out of the building that damned night, or if he had went there, if he had gone to Alex instead of the hospital. He needs to talk to her, he needs to explain, now that his logical brain is working, that he doesn't blame her for surviving. He turns to Mike who's still there, always by his side, "I'll need a moment alright." He tells him and walks inside the room, he doesn't knock just opens the door and slides in.

She is sitting on the couch there, the small singing Christmas tree he had gotten for her at the office Christmas party left next to her on the sofa, she had pulled her knees to her chest, her face hidden from view, the sound of the door opening startled her and she managed to barely lift her head from her knees "Mr. President." She whispers, her voice getting caught in her throat.

As soon as Tom sees her red and swollen eyes something inside him stirs. The music from the tree is soft, cheerful in a room where the happiness has left for weeks. He walks slowly to her, taking the tree from the couch next to her in his hands, he studies the little object remembering Alex laughing when he told her what he got for his staff this Christmas, it was the first laugh he got from her in months so he cherished it…

 _"_ _Tom what are you carrying?" Tom stops at his tracks he didn't expect anyone to be in his office at this hour but Alex was there, she was sitting at his desk, papers scattered around her "I needed somewhere quiet, and people wouldn't stop bothering me about Christmas celebrations in my office." She told him, he smiled, a small chuckle leaving his lips and he softly leaves the bags with the gifts on the floor next to his office, he wraps his arms around her and she leans closer to him, her head softly resting against his chest "I got some gifts for my staff, wanna see them?" he asks, she leans back a small smile, the first genuine in days graces her face, it takes his breath away, although he's never going to admit it._

 _"_ _Sure, show me." She leaves the pen back on the desk and moves with him to the couches on the other side of the room. He leaves the bags on the coffee table and takes out the first box, it's unwrapped something that surprises her "I wanted to wrap them myself" he tells her "Aha, that explains it." She mutters biting her lip to stop the smile from growing. She studies the box and Tom just can't take his eyes away from her. "It's for Seth." He says, "You got Seth a Christmas mug?" she asks, "Not any Christmas mug Alex!" he takes the box from her hands opening it, getting the heavy Christmas mug in his hands, and turned it upside down, a loud "Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas!" filled the room, Alex looked at him surprise in her eyes for a moment before she started laughing loudly, her laugh was the best thing he had heard in weeks, it made him smile softly and place the mug back in its cardboard box._

 _It took her a while to catch her breath but she looked at him with joy filling her eyes "What you got for the others?" she asks him._

 _"_ _Well I got a similar mug for Aaron, only sounds like a cow. Lyor I got him the new Call of Duty videogame, I got Emily her favorite perfume, but honestly I outdid myself for Kendra!" with pride he fishes for Kendra's gift taking out the little tree he places it on the coffee table and sits next to Alex, "Clap" he tells her and she does. The tree comes to life the sound of "We wish you a merry Christmas" filling the room, but Tom only cared about the sound of laughter coming from the woman next to him…_

"I'm glad you are back to work Kendra." He manages to tell her after leaving the tree on the small coffee table in front of him, Kendra looks at him through her tears, this was the first thing he told her since he entered the room, it takes her by surprise a little, this wasn't what she thought he would say. "No, you are not sir, I'm not glad to be here, you aren't either." She gets the words out with difficulty, gasps interrupting her choking her. Tom looks up; he truly looks at her for the first time. She looks tired, she had lost weight since he last saw her and he can't help but notice her collarbone visible, standing out through the opening on her shirt. He doesn't know what to do with the image of the woman in front of him, he doesn't know how to process this, she looks every bit broken as him, but the loss wasn't nearly close.

"I'm glad you are here, I really am." He hopes she accepts it this time, because he can feel his resolve breaking this time around, he can feel the anger bubbling under his skin, he can feel it rising up in his veins and the little devil on his shoulder pushing him to tell her exactly how he feels, to tell her that he wishes she was dead and Alex was here, but he doesn't, he bites his lip and stops the venom from spilling out. His rage surprises him a bit, he is used to being in a catatonic almost state since Alex… since Christmas, and these new found spurs of anger are the first feelings other than the paralyzing sorrow he managed to feel since then take him by surprise. Kendra notices it, she notices that something is wrong with the man sitting next to her.

"Sir?" she asks, Tom wishes she didn't, he wishes she stayed silent because the little devil in his shoulder is screaming in his head, telling him to tell her exactly what was wrong with him, his breath is picking up and he uses his knuckles to shut himself up.

"Don't try and hide, I know what you think, you'd trade me for Alex in a heartbeat…" a sob leaves her throat, it rips through her slender figure and shakes more tears from her eyes "I would too" the last part leaves her lips as if a breath, so softly, that Tom almost missed it.

"I would…" he takes a breath, the broken look on her face is calming the anger in his "And I hate myself for that." He doesn't know why but he reaches for her hand which is fallen by her side limp and holds it tightly in his.

"I fired the therapist." He doesn't know why he tells her that, he half expects her to scold him for it, that's what Alex would have done, and his wife was the last person he remembers that made him feel so at ease when talking to, but her answer took him by surprise.

"I stopped watching mine a week ago."

* * *

They spent almost an hour in her office, they didn't speak much, they just sat there holding hands they didn't need to talk, because after all the silence between them said everything that they needed to say. Her offer to be his sounding board was tempting but it was terrifying Tom to no extent, the anger he felt today seeing her cry, even though she was obviously stricken was scarring him that he was going to say something he won't mean to her, something that will push her away and something that will make him lose himself.

But he still needs to figure out why she is so easy to talk to, what makes her so calming to him from time to time; he needs to understand why he actually feels alive when he talks to her. Sitting on the foot of the bed he took his phone in his hands.

"Are you already moving on Tom?" he closes his eyes, the shadow is back, he looks up, she is sitting on the same chair she was using last night "I told you I wasn't gone forever." He doesn't talk to her instead he turns his eyes back on his phone, Kendra's number there, so tempting. "Go ahead call her, I'll take her away from you soon enough." His head snaps up looks at her sitting there a sweet, sickening smile on her face, "Don't you dare! You hear me!" he sees her eyes twitching a bit, the smile on her face never once moving.

"Why? What worse can you do to me?" she stands up, the way she walks still scares him a lot but this time he doesn't move away from her, he sits there frozen with a feeling so different from the one last night, this time it wasn't fear that was making him freeze but blinding hot rage and defiance. "You already killed me honey." With those last words and a small touch on his cheek she disappeared, leaving his heart beating loudly in his ears, the anger drained from him in an instant and a cold unforgiving numbness fills him. Looking down at the phone one last time his irrational brain took over and just pressed the number.

"Mr. President?" her voice is groggy, she was apparently sleeping "If I am to take your offer you can't call me Mr. President."

 **A/N: First chapter is DONE! On to the next in which we'll see Tom and Kendra talking to one another and much, much more! Please let me know what you think about this story and if you'd like to read more.**

 **Here's a small sneak peak from the next chapter:**

 _They decided it was better if they meat somewhere away from people, away from praying eyes and ears so they traveled to Camp David, his mother, who came to help him out, kindly told him she'll take care of the kids. He took marine one two hours after she texted him that she started driving there. He wasn't sure what they would talk about, if anything but something, a voice sounding extremely like his Alex pushed him to try it…_


	2. Torment each other

**Chapter 2: Torment each other.**

They decided it was better if they meet somewhere away from people, away from prying eyes and ears so they traveled to Camp David, his mother, who came to help him out, kindly told him she'll take care of the kids. He took marine one two hours after she texted him that she started driving there. He wasn't sure what they would talk about, if anything but something, a voice sounding extremely like his Alex pushed him to try it.

When he got there, the house was dark, empty, it was almost fitting looking to his left he could see her car is parked there so he wonders where she might be. He orders Mike to stay back and give him space something that he does without a question and Tom walks to the entrance, her figure starts showing in the darkness, she is sitting on the steps, her black coat too big on her slender frame which is shaking in the cold. He wonders why she didn't walk inside, but something inside him already knows the answer, it's the same to why he didn't tell anyone about his hallucinations, they both believe they deserve all the pain and discomfort inflicted upon them. As if by hurting themselves they manage to make aments with what happened to Alex.

"We should go inside." Tom suggests, but sits down next to her.

"We should" she answers her voice fragile and shaky but doesn't move a muscle to stand up. He doesn't either…

* * *

She doesn't know what gets her to the cemetery the grave in front of her is after all empty, she made sure of that. But still she finds herself standing there, it's late, almost midnight but she finds herself sitting down on the damp grass, her back against the cool marble, she leaves a bouquet of roses she picked up on her way there. "I don't know why I'm here Alex…" she admits to the void. It's exhausting that even here she has to pretend, she needs to act as if there's someone actually buried there, but something tells her to not let her guard down, not even for a moment.

So she doesn't, she acts even here in the middle of a cold damp night.

"How did I found myself in this mess?" she asks no one in particular, the question hangs in the air, she doesn't expect any answers after all, the cemetery isn't the place for answers. The sound of her ringtone disturbs the deadly silence of this place and it startles her. She takes the phone out, Chuck's smiling face lighting up the screen.

"Hey Chuck why are you awake this late?" she asks, she is glad he is awake; she needs to speak to someone, someone to actually speak to her too.

"I found something about Damian." His voice is broken, she doesn't know when was the last time she heard him this broken, this…well almost defeated.

"What is it Chuck?" she asks, her voice is demanding, she needs to know the answer, "I can't tell you over the phone Hannah, I need you to come to my apartment now." She bites her lip and thinks it over for a moment "Alright, leave the door open for me will ya'" she joked. A soft chuckle, followed by an even softer "Always" was all she heard before the dialing tone.

* * *

Tom doesn't know how long he and Kendra sat on the steps in front of the house, he has so many happy memories from this place, Alex and the kids playing by the pool, all of them eating pizza a day after his first town hall, him spending the night with her, his face buried between her shoulder and neck. He wasn't sure he could face the emptiness of the house not when it reflects the emptiness in his soul so well.

Kendra's hand brushing the top of his draws him back to the present, he slowly opens the door, not really looking if the woman was following him inside, deep down he knew she was. The house was warm; someone had obviously turned on the heating in anticipation of his visit he walks in the living room, it's neat and warm, Kendra passes him by silently, she drops down on one of the two couches, in the light of the room he can notice just how baggy the coat actually is. He wonders when the last time she had a good meal was. The little devil in his head is happy she is suffering, that she feels just as bad as he feels, that she is broken like he is broken.

The silence between them became unbearable soon enough. Kendra was the first to break it. "You don't have to hide your emotions from me. And I won't hide mine" the steadiness of her voice surprises him; he really expected her voice to sound every bit broken like her body looked. But her voice was strong, it was steady and it made him feel a little better using her almost like a punching bag.

"I wished you had died instead of Alex." Such a simple statement, it wasn't the first time he told her that, but it still hurt him a little to admit it to her face. "I wish the same thing ever since that damned night." She takes a deep breath, she knows what she'll say next might push him off the edge, she can see him fighting to hold on to any shreds of dignity and self control he might have left but she wants him mad. She wants him angry at her, yelling at her, blaming her. Maybe he can make her hate him enough to resign… maybe he can make her hate herself enough to end it… maybe. "She was making plans for your date. She was wondering if she should wear the red or the green dress" his eyes widening while she speaks, she can hear his breath picking up, she had achieved her goal she can sense it , his anger is bubbling under his skin.

"You should have died." He spits out, the words are muted, he actually speaks between his teeth, as if he's trying to keep back.

"STOP TRYING TO KEEP BACK DAMMIT! YOU HATE ME I CAN SEE IT! STOP LYING TO MY FACE!" her explosion is a surprise to Tom, the coat she was holding draped over her shoulders falls back on the couch for the first time he notices the bones on her wrists, the way her cheekbones poke out more.

"I don't hate you." He stands up looks her in the eye, there are tears there, tears that tell him to shut up, stop before he outers another word but the actual look on her eyes yearns for the pain, she almost asks him to hurt her and in his hurt and broken heart it all makes sense.

"Hate isn't strong enough, I despise you! WHY DID YOU SURVIVE AND ALEX DIED?" He starts moving towards her, she is taken back by the tone of his voice and takes a couple steps back. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WALK OUT OF IT FINE AND NOT MY WIFE?" With every question, every accusation falling from his lips like poison he moves closer, she tries to move away but his hands are faster, he grips her arms tightly, tight enough to leave bruises and she gasps, the pain of his tight grip makes her feel alive. "And still I can't fire you. I can't. Even though I despise you with my every fiber it still makes me feel better to talk to you."

* * *

All the way to Chuck's apartment Hannah had the worse feeling on the pit of her stomach, she can't really remember when the last time she was so uneasy, so worried about anything really. She put her foot on the gas a little harder this time, driving just a little faster, something tells her that she doesn't have time to lose. She passes by the lights of the city which kind of blur into white and by the end of it she finds herself completely ignoring the traffic lights. She parks her car next to his and breaths out in relief that the lights are on. There's some light movement in the curtains and someone is moving around on the inside. It makes her smile a bit, at least Chuck was alright, the sick feeling wasn't about him after all.

She got out of the car and walked to his door with a spring on her step, a small weight had left her shoulders. When she gets to his door though everything change, it's slightly open and soft groans of pain are coming from the inside.

"Chuck?" she calls his name while pushing the door softly open. His voice comes from the kitchen, it's soft and pained. The stench of blood fills her nostrils and she does her best not to puke in the middle of his apartment, he doesn't need that.

She sees him the moment she turns her head, lying on the floor behind the kitchen island, blood covering the front of his shirt which is in shreds, so much blood, his blood on the floor, seeping to his hair, through his fingers as he tries to put pressure on the wounds. There's so much blood and he is in so much pain that it blinds her.

"I'm gonna call 911. Hang on Chuck you hear me?" she calls for him, her voice a little broken, a little unstable but still through her contained tears and worry unmistakably hers.

"It was Damian Hannah, he said… payback… is… a bitch." She saw him loose conscience the moment he managed to get Damian's latest threat out, he was so week, his hand fell limp on hers. She couldn't control her tears this time, she was in a complete hysteria when the paramedics, just minutes later, tried to take his motionless body from her arms.

* * *

 _He knew she was there without opening his eyes this time, the stench of blood and the cold air that always follows her hit him first. He and Kendra had fallen asleep on the two couches there. Tom couldn't bear the thought of going to the master bedroom or the guest bedrooms for the matter and he wouldn't allow Kendra to either. He took his time opening his eyes, he didn't really look forward to her tormenting him, but she didn't leave she wasn't going to and he knew that._

 _"_ _Tom." She softly, sweetly said his name; there was a breath of freezing cold air hitting his neck that made the back of his hair rise up. "Come on now Tom, you can't ignore me forever." He wishes he was strong enough to tell her to go to hell, to ignore her but he isn't, his resolve breaks and crumbles pretty fast, he can't ignore her for long, they both know that. Somewhere deep down he still wishes that she will take mercy on him and let him see Alex one last time, just Alex not the blood, or bruises, or ripped clothes or the piece of glass stuck on her throat. Just Alex, his wife with her sweet smile and warm eyes, he still prays for her to allow him one last night in her warm arms._

 _"_ _Will you open your eyes now? I don't have all night Tom!" her voice is demanding, it's cold and it makes him follow her orders without a second thought._

 _His eyes shoot open and he sees her retreating back as she walks from him to the couch Kendra is lying on curled up in a ball covering her slender figure with her oversized coat. "She's pretty isn't she?" she asks, Tom's eyes shot up, he watches her study Kendra with a sick look on her face, it scares Tom, it scares him to death. "Don't touch her." He was hopping his voice wouldn't sound so much like a plea but it did. "You are begging!" an even bigger smile crossed her lips revealing to him a set of perfect white teeth, she was enjoying his humiliation. Tom was frightened of what she might do next._

 _He sees her raising her hand to her neck her long slender fingers playing with the piece of glass stuck there before pulling it out with a sickening wet sound. It made Tom's stomach turn a little and as hard as he tried to keep it from showing she saw it. "Oh come on now Tom, a little more blood makes you sick? Look at me I'm full of it." With every word fresh deep red blood purred out of the now open wound on her neck. She walks slowly toward Kendra and kneels down between them, she leaves the bloody glass on his leg, her blood he can feel it seeping through his pants and staining his skin. He closes his eyes, repeating to himself "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real" over and over and over again. There's a cold laugh from his side and he opens his eyes softly, the shadow is laughing, she enjoys his discomfort "Trigger phrases won't make me leave either Tom." He can't stop a few tears leaving his eyes when she said that, she was inside his head, controlling him from the inside._

 _"_ _Take this thing from my leg, please," his breath picking up, the weight of the bulletproof glass on his leg was crushing him. "Please, Alex." She smiles, still, not moving a muscle to take the thick sharp glass from him. "No, you can pick it up. I want you to do something with it." She stands up, leaning closer to him, her bloody face inches from his. "I might let you spend the night with Alex if you do." The thought is tempting, it makes him choke a bit; spend one last night with Alex? This was all he really wanted. He would do anything for that, anything to see her face without all the blood on it. "I'll do…"_

 _"_ _Anything I know." She cuts him off. "Pick up the glass Tom." His hand shaking as he raises the glass from his leg and holds it in his hand with a tight grip. It cuts him; he feels the blood seeping through his fingers staining the glass further. "Good boy." Her praise makes his stomach turn; she sounds mean even when she is trying to be nice. "Now, listen carefully Tom, I want you to stab Kendra with it. Cut her neck, like you cut mine." Tears escape his eyes, he looks at the sleeping woman on the couch and then the tormenting shadow standing next to him, her arms crossed over her chest, a sick smile, always on her lips._

 _"_ _After that I get to spend the night with Alex? I get to see her, right? Touch her?" he is crying right now, silent tears rolling down his face and he makes no effort to wipe them off. "Of course Tom, a deal is a deal!" she tells him, he nodes and turns to the sleeping woman on the couch, he doesn't know how he'll do what the shadow asks him, he just knows that he needs to._

 _He raises the glass and he's ready to strike her neck when Penny's voice fills his brain "I really like Kendra daddy; I wish she was my older sister really. Mommy likes her too!" he remembers his little girl, she likes Kendra, and Alex is dead, is it worth it to take away from her another woman she loves? Especially for such selfless reasons? The shadow only offered him a night, not an eternity, not his wife back, just a night with a ghost kinder than she is._

 _The glass falls from his hands with a loud thud on the floor and he follows it falling to his knees, the blood in the palm of his hands smearing his face when he hides his it in them, repeating softly "I can't" through ragged breaths._

 _"_ _You are weak Tom, I always knew that." He raises his head just in time to see her disappearing through another cloud of thin mist…_

Kendra wakes up when she hears a soft sob coming from the man sleeping on the couch next to her. He seems to be restless, twisting and turning, his hand tightly gripping the shreds of the glass he broke in anger before they fell asleep. She can see the blood as the glass cuts his hand; it seeps through his fingers staining the beige couch. His jaw is set and tears roll through his tightly closed eyes.

She sees his hand twitching he is trying to raise it, but the paralysis caused by the nightmare prevents him, it takes him a while fighting against his own brain before a soft "I can't" comes out of his lips followed by dozen more. His hand opens and the sharp piece of crystal falls down on the thick carpet another spasm in his arm knocks the small table and the lamp on top to the floor, the loud thud makes Kendra jump from her skin. His breaths are ragged and she wonders what she should do, should she go to him or not?

She gets up and walks to the man crying with soft sobs in his sleep, carefully she caresses his bloody hand, he flinches a bit in his sleep but his eyes open, groggy and unfocused, shimmering with the unshed tears there he tries hard to focus on anything "Alex!" her name falls from his lips like a feather and she lowers her head knowing that she wasn't the woman he truly wanted. She bits her lip, trying to stop herself from saying anything, it works. He stays silent for a few moments she's kneeling next to him her fingers softly touch his cut palm.

"Kendra" for the first time since the accident he almost sounds relieved to see her there, "I need to go get the first aid kit" she says and gets up, she tries to escape him, tries to get as far away as she can from the broken man but he is faster, much faster than her, his hand grips hers, it seems he ignored the pain for a while, and she ignores the blood.

The words he wanted to actually say never left his lips, they stayed trapped there, unable to come out. He just looked into her puffy eyes, still red from all the tears she shed, he wants to thank her for staying with him, he is ashamed of what he said to her and what he was willing to do but he couldn't bring himself to say anything once again. Thankfully she didn't need him to say anything, silence was speaking for both.

 **A/N: This is the end of chapter 2, we had Tom and Kendra fighting and Damian getting revenge on Hannah by hurting Chuck. Please let me know what you are thinking about the story so far!**

 **Here's a small sneak peak:**

 _She looked down on her hands his blood was there, it had stained her skin, but she was unable to look away. She just couldn't look away from the crimson stains on her skin. She wonders is that what if felt like for him when she came to his apartment bleeding almost two years back? It must have been…_


	3. And the Tormented becomes the Tormentor

**Chapter 3: And the Tormented becomes the Tormentor**

She looked down on her hands his blood was there, it had stained her skin, but she was unable to look away. She just couldn't look away from the crimson stains on her skin. She wonders is that what if felt like for him when she came to his apartment bleeding almost two years back? It must have been. She never asked him how he felt that night; she never cared what this image might have done to his brilliant mind. Now she wonders if she's ever getting the chance to have this conversation with him the paramedics let her ride with them to the hospital, she found herself unable to take her eyes from his pale face, his dark eyelashes softly touching his pale cheeks, she tries to shut out the sirens the doctors and paramedics working around her and imagine that he is safe, that he is sleeping. The oxygen mask was making it harder.

She waits for news for hours, unable to call Aaron; she knows he needs to know that Damian is still, not only alive but active as well. Her voice betrays her both times she tries to call him; she ends up texting him, her fingers more cooperative than her throat. He simply texts her "I'll be there" it was enough for her.

He came faster than the doctors; she was strong for so long that when he finally wrapped his arms around her shoulders it was enough to make her brake. She felt the sob leave her throat and rock her frame. He wasn't prepared but his hands just wrapped tighter around her keeping her upright, she used his chest to hide her face and let all the frustrations and pain out. He said nothing and she couldn't be more thankful.

* * *

She takes her time cleaning his hands, removing all small and big pieces of glass from the tender flesh, he sits on the stool in the kitchen, his arm softly placed on the island as she sits across from him working, he studies her, Alex had done the same a few times but her touch was so different…

 _"_ _Alex!" he called her when he heard the door closing "Help!" he hears the thud of her briefcase hitting the floor and her heels merciless against the polished wood, he winches a bit, this place is a rental after all. "Tom!" he sees the worry leaving her eyes and the disbelief and then the amusement taking over "I tried to change the lamp." He tells her defeated._

 _"_ _And how did you ended on the floor with cuts in your hands?" she asks, she doesn't move closer she just inspects him half lying in front of the sink with the blood from the shallow wounds staining his sweatpants._

 _"_ _I lost balance fell off the chair and thought it was smart to grip the lamp tight." Her laugh was so joyful; it made the fall, the bruises and the cuts all worth it..._

She had worked so carefully that night, her touch soft, when she finished with his hand she gently took care of his bruises both physical and to his ego. Kendra's touch is different, it's carful and warm but at the same time so cold and distant. She works fast, doesn't linger too long not because she doesn't want to, she just doesn't have time for comfort, they are not here for that. In a few hours the sun will rise and the rest of the staff will come, she'll have to move her things from the car to the little cabin she will have all to herself, just like last time they were there, it was just before the mess with Eva had started, just months ago really but right now it seems like a lifetime has passed. She'll have to pretend for over twelve hours that nothing is going on, that she didn't spent the night screaming at the president of the United States, that he didn't spend the night screaming at her too, that she didn't wake him up from a nightmare with tears in his eyes, that he didn't call his dead wife's name in his sleep, that she didn't spent minutes cleaning his hand. She'll have to pretend, he will too he became good at it, pretending that is, he pretends he cares what's going on around him, he pretend he cares about the world still spinning, he pretends he can breathe easily in the morning, he pretends he sleeps, pretends he eats , pretends that his life has meaning. It's so easy to pretend, to lie to everyone and even sometimes to themselves.

"Will you sneak in later tonight again?" he asks her, his voice is almost childlike, he looks down, ashamed of what he wants.

"If you want me to." She doesn't know why she agrees, they'll spend another night yelling at each other after all but she does. It's almost cathartic, the screaming, the fights; it makes her feel alive for the first time in ages.

"I do." He keeps his eyes on his wrapped palm, the white bandage contrasting with the granite counter tops. Kendra hates herself for agreeing, she hates herself for the words she's about to say.

"I'll be here Tom."

* * *

No one came back to inform them about Chuck's condition till the sun rose in the sky, it was about 6a.m. when the doctor came in, he was exhausted. "You are here for Chuck Russnik right?" neither of them can talk so Aaron just nodes, "Well Mr. Russnik was stabbed twenty nine times in his entire body, most of the stabs were shallow, not really hitting anything meant only to cause pain, but six of them are the most worrisome, it seems that the perpetrator changed his weapon from the smaller bladed knife to a larger bladed knife his Femoral and Pulmonary veins were almost severed, his pulmonary artery was nicked, there were lacerations on his liver and stomach and three deep stabs at his intestines." Hannah felt dizzy all those information about different injuries made her upset; her logical brain told her that he wasn't alive, but the doctor would have said that first if that was the case.

"Doctor, will he recover?" She is thankful Aaron took charge, asking the question she so wanted to ask but was rendered unable by the knot in her throat.

"He will, right now we have no reason to believe otherwise, his recovery though will be long and difficult."

"Can we see him?" Hannah asked, she finally found her voice again, it was still so hard for her to talk, this was so out of place for her usually she was the one in hospital, she wasn't the one waiting for the information, she wasn't the one waiting at all.

"Of course, he's not in a good state but the nurse will lead you to him if you want to."

She was glad to have Aaron hold her hand while walking to the room the nurse pointed at them, she wasn't sure if she was able to walk there on her own. His hand was anchoring to a reality that although terrible was where she needed to be. Aaron opened the door to the room, she notices his hands are shaking a bit too and it puzzles her, he's been acting like a rock all night for her and understanding that there might be more than meets the eyes, that he might not be as strong as she thought. It's another frightening thought in the end, everything around her is shifting, changing, no one is exactly who she thought. She shakes the thought from her head, and focuses on the man on the bed, this is the first time she realizes how young he is, he looks barely adult, lying on the bed, bandages were covering his arms his skin barely darker than them, he had lost so much blood that she is wondering how is he still alive. He shouldn't be alive; logic told her that he should have died, but still he is here.

"Hannah" her name startles her, Aaron hadn't spoken to her in a long time, she turns her head and looks at him "Take the rest of the week off. I'll drive up to Camp David with the president."

* * *

Tom closed his eyes, he finally got the courage to walk around the cabin, opening the guest bedrooms, all signs of Leo and Penny living there for months were erased, a small sad smile formed on his lips, how easily the presence of a person could be removed from a building amazed him. closing the door behind him he came almost face to face with the room he was dreading entering, he hadn't spent many nights there, he spent even less time sleeping there, the master bedroom held many happy memories despite the fact that he had barely spent any time in it. He finally opened the door, a cold breeze hit him on the face, looking around he realizes that the window was open, mindlessly he goes to open it, smiling softly "Oh Alex come on!" he murmurs. As soon as her name falls from his lips his brain kicks in, he realizes, although late that she isn't there to open the window.

"She used to leave the windows open didn't she Tom?" he closes his eyes, the sound of the door slamming shut behind him startled him but he tried to hide it. "I was expecting you to come sooner" he admits, he refuses to turn around, he would try and keep this room untainted from her cold, unforgiving presence "Can we move to another room?" he begs her, hoping she won't notice, hoping she'll , for once, be merciful.

Her laugh is cold, unforgiving, he knows she's not willing to show mercy tonight. "No, no Tom, I think we should stay here." He turns around she is sitting on the bed, her bloody clothes staining the beige quilt. He tries to take his eyes away from her, tries to look at the wall, the newly closed window, he wishes he had left it open, anywhere but her face but he's unable, he always ends up looking at her face. "Why do you still torment me?" the question falls from his lips like so many times in the past "You asked me that, and I answered it" she responds, she looks borderline bored tonight. "Then kill me. Honestly either kill me or leave me alone!" he was tired, exhausted really, he couldn't keep doing this; he couldn't look over his shoulder all the time, waiting when she will show up.

"What's the fun in killing you Tom, I want you to do it yourself." he feels more tears falling from his eyes, he was too tired to beg, exhausted to fight, he just let the tears roll down his face, silently. "You are not Alex." He simply states, she smiles, for the first time the smile isn't cold "No I am not."

"She would like me to live; she wouldn't want me to die." He stops taking a deep breath "If you are not her then what are you, why do you wear her face and what the hell have I done to you?" she chuckles and stands up, walking slowly towards him, this is the first time he's seen her walk slowly and steadily, not threatening towards him she stands a few feet away from him "It's not what you did to me Tom, it's about what you did and didn't do for her" he nodes her head towards a leftover picture still left on the bedside table from the time Alex was living here, it was of the two of them, they were in their honeymoon, Alex almost six months pregnant at the time was leaning back to his arms, they were at a beach in Hawaii , lying on the soft warm sand. He doesn't remember who took the picture, probably a local person there. She had her hand on his face, her nose buried under his jaw, his in her hair. They were so careless back then, so young and free. "What did I do to her? All I did was love her, love her with every fiber of my being."

"You could have saved her, fired Forstell, cut a deal, not have given Hannah such a blank check, had Kendra do a better job!" the last one cut him like a knife, he had gone over the others again and again in his head, had he fired Forstell or used the Opposition research on him then Alex wouldn't have to be on the road that awful night, they could spend Christmas together, like they were planning, the four of them like a family. Had he stopped Hannah from involving his family in a witch hunt Lloyd had started Forstell would never had even the opportunity to start targeting his family. The last thing though, he never really thought about it, what would have happened if Kendra had done her job better.

"Kendra did her job perfectly." The words fall from his mouth with a lot of disbelief, he tries to make his exhausted, tired brain to believe those words but the little monster inside him just can't stop. He starts feeling his blood boiling; Kendra should have done her job better. She should have protected his wife better; he should have protected her better.

"You are right." She smiles and he looks at her with a puzzled look, of course she knows what he is thinking "You should have protected her better" he tries so hard to keep it together, he tries so hard to not start screaming at her to shut up but this breaks him.

"Shut up!" he stands up from the couch he was sitting and walks to the window, there's a small plastic potted plant there, he takes it in his hands, studies it, it frustrates him that in a cabin reserved for the president and his family there would be such a cheap decoration.

"What did you say to me?" the shadow asks him, her voice is back to being cold and threatening, 'Good' Tom thought that way he could hate her, he looks at the small pot in his hands and throws it to her "I said shut up!" He turns around his hands grab the lamp on the table closest to him and he pushes it to the ground "Shut up! You know nothing!" he made his way to her, smashing things his way, throwing pillows, books, ashtrays on the floor at her, at the wall. He reaches there, standing right in front of her and reaches forward he half expects his hands to pass through her arms but they don't, instead his hands grip two warm boney arms. A soft gasp falls from her lips, he ignores it.

"You'll be Alex tonight dammit!" he should have known something was wrong when his hands touched flesh and not just mist but he didn't. It was such a shock that he was holding someone that he didn't stop to think was that might have meant. "Just shut up" he repeats again, tears escape his eyes again and he leans forward, his lips touch hers, he tastes blood, on her lips, they feel so different from what he's used to. She removes her hands from his grips and uses them to push him away; a blinding pain explodes on his face when her hand slaps his cheek with all her force.

"I'm not gonna be your fucking bootie call" her voice shocks him out of the state he was and for the first time he truly sees the woman in front of him, her hair aren't the long blonde ones he expects but they are short and dark brown, her eyes aren't blue but dark brown, her figure, face everything is different and it makes him hate himself.

"Kendra!"

* * *

She hears sobs the moment she enters the cabin, they are coming from the back towards the bedrooms, taking off her coat she almost runs there, she knows it's the president and she probably should not go there but she made a promise to Alex in that damned FBI building and she was going to honor it even if it killed her…

 _Kendra sees Alex pacing up and down the dull corridor, she's clutching the phone in her hands, she honestly is shocked with her face, she finally was free of the nightmare and yet her face had the grimmest look she had seen._

 _"_ _Ma'am the motorcade is waiting." Kendra tells her, Alex turns and looks at her, a warm smile gracing her tired face. "Let's get going then." She tries to sound cheerful but something betrays her "I heard you and the president have a date." Kendra wants to hit her head to a wall as soon as the words left her mouth, way to put her foot in her mouth again "Yes" her answer is soft, almost inaudible. She suddenly stops and turns to her. Taking both her hands in hers she looks the younger woman in the eyes. "Look, I have a bad feeling that this isn't the end. I want you to promise me something Kendra." Kendra is puzzled, she doesn't know what the first lady means but the worry and pain in her blue eyes make her nod positively to the woman "Whatever you want ma'am" Alex takes a deep breath "If anything happens to me, anything at all, I want you to take care of Tom. Don't leave him alone, he's so good taking care of others, but he is completely unable to care for himself. Please don't let him do anything stupid, if anything happens to me, I want you to be there for him, will you?" this was the strangest request she has ever gotten by a client but the distress on the older woman's eyes left her little to no room to say no_ _…_

That's why she is here after all, why she offered to help the president, of course she didn't know at the time what the first lady meant but between the last night and tonight she now knows what she meant. Entering the bedroom she had a plastic potted plant nearly miss her head. He walks to her almost blinded, almost as if he doesn't see her there. He walks to her side, pushing a lamp on the floor and breaking it, "Shut up! You know nothing!" he growls, he makes his way towards her, smashing everything in his path, the crystal ashtrays, the books left on the coffee table, the pillows from the couches, everything. He is standing in front of her, his eyes for the first time she sees the deadly darkness in his eyes she was sure he didn't have in him, she gasps when his hands grip her arms tightly "You'll be Alex tonight dammit!" she is scared right now. The man in front of her is unpredictable, she thinks back to her promise to the first lady, she is sure this wasn't part of it, but on the other hand him gripping her arms tightly, probably leaving bruises on her skin surprisingly made her yearn for more. "Just shut up" this time his command is soft, almost as if he run out of strength and she can clearly see the tears rolling down his cheeks.

His lips crashed onto hers, his force made her release her lower lip from her teeth, and he bit down on it hard enough that both of them could taste the blood. In his haze he releases the grip on her arms and she manages to pull them away. She uses them both to push him away, no matter what she had promised to the first lady this would not be one of them. She doesn't know what comes over her but her hand mechanically rises and slaps him across the face; the back of her ring catches his lip and tears it slightly

"I'm not gonna be your fucking bootie call" her anger lasts for another minute until he opens fully his eyes, then she can see the blue of his irises slowly clouding with tears, she's curious but the way he says her name is enough to make her wonder if he even knew it was her.

"Kendra!" there's fear in his eyes, as if he's frightened with what he did and then some anger. His face turns to stone fast and it scares her.

"Kendra, Miss Daynes, I need you to leave right now. Take a week off." She opens her mouth ready to fight him, she just came back to work she wasn't going to leave "You don't get it do you?" his voice is raising, his whole posture scares her more "I don't want to see you for at least a week!"

XXXX

Kendra drove back to the city the same night; she didn't really need to stay around, what for? After all tears were blinding her, running down her cheeks uncontrollably, she should have stayed away from this man, she should have kept her distance never gotten involved but the first lady made her promise that she will take care of him, she made her promise just minutes before she died. This was their last conversation and she can't really ignore it that easily but then this night happened, he obviously didn't know that it was her he was kissing but his force and strength when he gripped her arms, his anger in which he wrecked the room frightened her, she wished she could, somehow speak to the first lady, ask her if this was the real man she had to deal with or not but she couldn't, there was no way she could ask the woman.

She found herself parking outside the cemetery, she wasn't sure why, why was she there, why the hell didn't she drive straight home, but she just realized this was the closest she'll ever get to being next to the first lady ever again. She walks to the grave and wonders what she should do; she's dressed in sweatpants and one of her Georgetown sweatshirts a heavy coat thrown over her shoulders. She notices a fresh bouquet lying softly in front of the headstone, and realizes she didn't bring anything with her.

She sits down facing the headstone; it was as if the black marble was taunting her. "I didn't bring any flowers, I'm sorry." She bites her lower lip "I don't even know what flowers you like" her voice was steady, it surprised her, she was sure that she was going to break. "I tried to do what you asked me, I tried to be with him and help him but he… good lord he is so different from what I've seen." She feels the tears filling her eyes, "I… I wanted to ask you if he was always like that, I don't know how to phrase it, but anger seemed to be a second skin to him, was he always like that?" the tears rolled down her face freely and she found herself sobbing unable to control her feelings that were just purring out of her every pore.

She felt a cold breeze on the back of her neck and a light feather touch on her shoulder. "He's in pain Kendra" she looks up, her eyes falling on the face of a woman she never thought she'd see again. Her hair was flowing freely behind her, she was dressed in a light white dress, the soft fabric flowing in the cold breeze but she didn't seem to care or notice. "Ma'am!" the woman smiles and sits down next a soft smile graces her lips "Don't call me ma'am Kendra; you came to get answers, call me Alex." Kendra nodes, she wipes her tears from her face and takes a deep breath "I did what you asked me Alex, I tried to be there for him but today… he was so angry Alex, he wrecked the master bedroom in the cabin in Camp David and he… he kissed me" there's no emotion in her eyes or face for a moment Kendra stopped, for a moment her brain started working that she was actually talking to nobody. "Tom is hurt, but he isn't an abusive man, he's in pain, hurt, betrayed, he needs someone to talk to, someone who won't judge him. Someone who is not going to be afraid to tell him when he oversteps the line, someone who will not be scared to kick him around, slap him silly if he is out of line. I can't do this, not now… not anymore but you can." Kendra looks up to the woman sitting next to her, her eyes were shinning with unshed tears, and Kendra was sure hers were too "He sees me in you and he's not wrong, we have a lot of things in common but the only thing he needs right now, is you not being afraid of him, well of his office."

"He suspended me, well he told to take a week but let's be honest it's a suspension." Alex smiles again, one of her arms falls around her shoulders "Then take the week Kendra, go away, fly to warm beach or a snowy mountain, but leave D.C." Kendra smiles back, for the first time since Christmas a real warm smile appeared on her lips "I think I will."

"I think you should"

* * *

Tom couldn't lower his heart beat, he was trying to calm down his breathing, his heart beat. He couldn't, he was trying so hard but he couldn't even stand up from the spot. What had gotten into his head he probably pushed away the only person left treating him without the kid gloves but right now he can't look at her. Maybe he should take the week as well, think what he really wanted from this, what was the true goal in this.

"I told you Tom, I told you I would take her away from you" looking up he sees her sitting right in front of him, her slender legs crossed her hands on her lap. "Leave." He knows it won't work, he knows she's not going to leave but he finds himself unable to stop himself from asking her.

"You can't really be asking me this right?" a cold chuckle fell from her lips; it became a second nature for her.

"No harm in trying right?" he looks up, slowly standing up taking a seat on the couch across from her "You won" he admits, it's killing him to but he does "You were right." There was a long pause, neither of them talking, he was looking at the carpet, she was looking at him, he knew she was.

"Kill me."

 **A/N: Chapter 3 is over and with that we reached the end of the first part of this story. Next chapter takes place three weeks after chapter 3. Thank you for reading and as always let me know what you are thinking.**

 **As always the sneak off from the next chapter:**

 _She did an amazing job avoiding him for a week, after Emily was kind enough to give her an extra week off. The white house she came back to though was completely different, once again, from the one she left three weeks ago_ _…_


	4. Words said in anger and lies, lies, lies

**Chapter 4: Words said in anger and lies, lies, lies.**

She did an amazing job avoiding him for a week, after Emily was kind enough to give her an extra week off. The white house she came back to though was completely different, once again, from the one she left three weeks ago. It seems to be one of her habits. Coming to work early today she managed to sneak past most of the staff and into her office without any problems. She gasped seeing him in her office, sitting on her chair. "Well, look who's still here!" he said, his voice ringing in her ears she closed her eyes tighter trying to avoid looking at him. "I'm not leaving" there was something in his voice, something she hadn't heard since her last asshole boyfriend in high school that made her look. Gone was the broken man she had encountered few weeks ago, the man now looked comfortable, his feet were up on her desk and he was leaning back on her chair looking every bit like the high school jokester she knew he never was.

"I am" she simply answers, her eyes cold, no emotion peeking through, it was much easier when the man in front of her was acting so different.

"You being a smart ass?" he stands up and she sees him moving almost dangerously slow towards her, it was as if he was trying to give her time to leave, to run but she couldn't her feet were stuck to the ground. She remembers what Alex told her all those weeks ago, that he is hurt, the what she saw that night isn't the real man but she starts wondering why does it look like she was wrong?

"What's smartass about leaving?" she responds, deciding to take this battle head on, she was going to face him as equals, although she knew they weren't.

"We need to talk, so you are not leaving." His voice low, almost threatening but as he stood close enough for her to smell the alcohol in his breath something in his eyes broke, if only for a moment. "Not here." She says softly, she knows now he's looking for a fight but she respects this building too much to give it to him.

"Fine, let's go." He opens the door and let's her walk out of the room first. "Follow me" he says, his voice not betraying any emotions, he walks few steps ahead of her and leads her down the stairs, he passes by the sign of the first floor and she is a little surprised by it. She was halfway expecting to lead her to his private office after all. He gets out on the basement and leads her down a long corridor and down another flight of stairs, he stops in front of an empty office, with an old light brown door and opens it entering, there's noise in the room, loud noise from the heating system of the west wing working overload.

"Here, is this alright?" he asks,

"Good place as any" she is defiant against his arrogance.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he asks, she can't believe what she's hearing, he can't be asking her that question, he can't be forgetting what happened.

"You are not asking me this question!" her tone surprises her too; she never thought she would have to scream to the president of the United States.

"I am" he seems oblivious, it surprises her, but he truly seems oblivious, "Why would I not be asking this question." There's a smirk on his lips, one that confirms to her that it was more than a drink before work.

"You wrecked the bedroom in Camp David and forcibly kissed me; excuse me if you're not on my favorite people list." He lowers his eyes, for a moment, just a moment she sees the same man she met all those months back. "What you want me to do Kendra? Apologize? Fine, I am sorry! I didn't wanna kiss you, there!" his defeat shortly turned into anger, rage.

"That's not enough." Kendra simply stated, she crossed her arms in front of her, straightening her back a bit, holding her ground.

"What you want from me?"He explodes; she sees his hands curl into fists his knuckles turning white, she looks at him, her eyes remind him of Alex's she used to look at him with the same look of disappointment, she did when he first became president and was forced to suspend immigration it was the same look of disappointment, as if he was actively trying to let her down.

"I want you to tell me the freaking truth! I know you are not well, I can," she takes a moment, smiles sadly, she was going to tell to the president of the United States a bitter truth that would probably lead her to getting fired, "I can smell it in your breath. I can see it in your actions. You are drunk, it's 10 a.m. on a working day and the president of United States is drunk. You're crumbling inside and I don't know why you try to hide it." He takes a few steps back, it's as if her words slapped him right across the face, they cut deep into his heart and he feels a pain like nothing else it's not deep and burning like the one he felt when he got _the call_ it's not sharp and blinding like getting shot it was different, it was a tingling feeling starting from his face and expanding through to his whole body. It was slow and persistent "I have to," he seems to be struggling with words for a moment "I have to keep going, I need to," it seems as if he can't finish the sentence, as if there's something holding him back "I need to function and whiskey stops the nightmares, stops the pain, I can pretend I am the man I was before Christmas," he stops for a moment, Kendra can see the conflict in his eyes there's something there that he is hiding from her, something that he keeps a secret for whatever reason.

"But you are not! You are not the same man, no one is the same since that damned day, we all changed and you refuse to see it, pretending to be the man you were isn't gonna help anyone, you're only avoiding the unavoidable," she stops for a moment, she knows she's crossing the line and maybe he will fire her after that, he looks at her, there are some unshed tears in his eyes "What?" he asks her, his voice demanding of an answer " You need to face the facts, no matter how painful they might are. Because right now," she starts walking towards him, "you are acting like a brat!"

* * *

Hannah can hear soft sobs coming from the bathroom next to her office and get's her curiosity going, she opens the door slowly double checking that it was a ladies' room and not the men's room. She doesn't see anyone there, but she can hear the soft sobs coming from the only closed stall.

"Hey are you ok in there?" she asks, there's a gasp and the sound of flesh hitting the wood, she probably had startled the other woman. The lock turns and Kendra Daynes comes out of the stall, her hair are in a messy ponytail, strands lose framing her face, her makeup was gone and mascara was running down her cheeks. She freezes a bit when she sees her there probably didn't expect her to care enough; Hannah offers her a small smile and a few of paper towels to wipe off the destroyed make up.

"You didn't answer me are you ok?" she asks again.

"Do I look like it?" Kendra tries to make a joke, somehow create the illusion that she was still in control, both women know that wasn't true in the end. "Wanna talk? I got a great coffee maker in my office" Hannah gives a soft smile to the other woman; she was wiping her remaining destroyed make up from her face "Does it make cappuccino?" Kendra jokes "Yup, espresso and cappuccino."

* * *

Tom sat down on his desk, looking ahead, Kendra's words ringed in his ears, the word brat… it just stuck with him. He looks at the bottle he had left there before he went to find her, the whiskey tempting him to finish it.

"You are not that man Tom." The voice is warm, familiar, he look up and sees her sitting there; she looks exactly like he remembers her, her blonde hair flowing softly on her back. She was wearing a silk red nightgown, and smiling at him, softly, sweetly, the way she used to.

"Alex" he can her the desperation in his own voice, her face was all he needed to see, "I missed you so much" he gets up walking to her his hands itching to hold her, but he stopped himself, he didn't want to feel the mist in his hands again.

"Sit with me Tom" Tom follows her instructions almost blindly, sitting down next to her, her pale hand touching his hand, he feels, for the first time, warmth, her warmth.

"I missed you" she looks at him with a big smile on her face, her blue eyes shining with tears she wasn't able to shed.

"I miss you too Tom, all the time." He bites his lip; he wants to scream at her, how could she miss him? She was dead how could she feel what he was feeling? He decided to stay silent, he just nodded his head, he didn't care that it wasn't possible for her to miss him he wanted to feel that maybe, just maybe she could still miss him just a bit.

"Earlier, you said it's not the man I am. What did you mean?" she smiles, her hand softly touches his cheek, he feels a soft breeze, it's not cold as he expected, it's surprisingly warm, like her touch and it smells of vanilla and figs like her skin always did. "You're not the man to drink your sorrows away in the middle of the day. That's not the man I married." He lowers his head; he doesn't want to see the disappointment he hears in her voice "Tom, sweetheart look at me." Her voice is soft, non judgmental, he looks up, there's no disappointment in her eyes, just love, it breaks him a little.

"Why did you have to leave me Alex?" he asks her, his voice slightly breaking at the end. She doesn't notice, or acts if she doesn't.

"I didn't have a choice." Her pale hand falls on his, it's feather like, barely a touch but Tom is ok with it for now. "I didn't want it Tom." There's so much pain in her voice, so many tears that she'll never be able to actually shed, for a moment he wonders why she's here, why she sounds so alive, why she feels pain, but he shakes the thought from his head. "I'll never leave you, as long as you remember me, I'll always be here for you just ask." Her hand leaves his and softly touches his chest; his heart skips a bit when the warmth that wasn't there touches his thin shirt.

"I did Alex! I asked for you again and again and again and you never came, I cried your name in my sleep, I begged for you to come back, but you didn't." the tears he was trying so hard to stop just flowing down his face, he isn't ashamed of them, he doesn't try to hide them anymore, there's a burning rage in his veins, he gets up her hand falls back by her side, her face is broken from the pain, he can't bear to watch her cry anymore so he just turns his head away from her crying face "You don't know the man I am anymore, you're not here anymore!"

"Alright, I get that. It pains me too, I'm sorry." He turns around her voice screamed defeat to him; he barely manages to see her hair while she leaves.

"No!" he screams but her figure is already gone "No! You can't leave!" he tries in vain to get her back, he didn't want her to leave it was so soon, he still had so many things to tell her, he feels a knot in his throat closing his airway, he couldn't breathe, he tried but couldn't and feel on his knees gasping for breath, "Alex!" her name fell from his lips softly, it was a last try, a failed one, to get her back, even for a second.

* * *

Kendra took the cup of coffee Hannah was offering her, it was hot and it slightly burned her tongue, but she took a second sip. Hannah sits at her chair, she's thankful she isn't asking for questions, that she lets her have her time. She needs time right now, her thoughts are scrambled.

"I had a fight with the president" she manages to barely get out the words; it seems as if each letter burns her mouth before leaving. Hannah's face fells, something in her expression is broken, even if she puts her mask back on fast.

"How is he? I," Hannah doesn't know what to say, there aren't the right words for what she feels, not really. "I haven't seen him in a while" she barely manages to get those words out, they aren't right, they aren't even close but right now it's all she can say. She'll pretend it was accidental, that she didn't spend day after day trying to avoid the man at all costs.

"He's…" Kendra stops for a moment, takes a couple deep breaths, she doesn't know how to explain Tom Kirkman's condition to anyone not even herself if she's being honest. "Well different" the word different sounds so wrong, it rings in her ears in a terrible way, he's not different, there are hundreds of other words that would explain him better than different, broken, traumatized, lost, hurt, dying inside. Different sounded shallow. "He changed a lot" she adds, she hopes Hannah will understand what she means by that.

"As it's expected." Her answer makes her flinch, it's not the one that Kendra needed to hear, but she knows this is all she can give her at the moment.

"Alex's death," Kendra started, she lowers her eyes back to her coffee mug, starring at the foam on top, she tries to find the right words this time. "Broke him you know?" Hannah nodes, of course she knows, it's a whole web of lies that she knowingly weaved, at the moment she learned Damian's real plan, her panic overtook her and she put everyone in such mess, she didn't stop to think what her choice might do to everyone, now, the results of her actions were starring her right in the face. It didn't matter that she was avoiding Tom Kirkman at all costs; her choices hurt everyone around her and right now she's face to face with all the consequences of her actions.

"What was the fight about?" she asks trying to get her head off of her self-hating thoughts. Kendra takes a deep breath, this is something she has kept to herself for all this time, she didn't know why but she felt as if she could trust Hannah with this deep secret.

"That night, leaving the FBI building the first lady made me promise to her that, no matter what happens to her I would take care of the president, I can't explain it, it was like," she looks down, the look on Kendra's eyes was breaking her, the other woman was trying to gather herself for a while, this seemed to be breaking her in a worse way than anything else. Next time she visits Alex she can at least tell her that Kendra Daynes will keep her promise even if it kills her in the process. "Like she knew what was going to happen, she seemed shaken, pale."

"She might knew, subconsciously" she tells Kendra before she manages to stop herself. She bites her lower lip tightly; she draws blood but doesn't care.

"Yeah, well I tried, I tried to be there for him, but… he's not well, and I don't know if I can be there for him anymore, he seems to be spiraling out of control," Hannah studies the other woman's face, she seems so broken at the moment, she truly seems at her rope's end. It's sad and frustrating to know the answer that will take all their pain away but not being able to share it with them. "He's"

"Not the man he used to be" Hannah interrupts her, looking at the FBI agent sitting back at her chair; there's something in her eyes that puzzle Kendra. It's so subtle, so fast, it's like she has the all the cards to this game.

"Yeah." She manages to get out.

"Yeah, none of us is the same anymore Kendra." She leans forward, her hand touches softly Kendra's, it shocks her, Hannah Wells is not a physical type, from the little she knows her this is the first time she reached out for someone's touch.

"How are you? I heard about Damian" Kendra tries to change the subject; the silence between them was chocking her. She smiles a bit; it's as if she doesn't have the words.

"I'm good, he was crooked I had to do it." She sits back in her chair looking at Kendra look at her, her eyes, there was something there telling her that the other woman was expecting the rest of the story. "But it hurts, I trusted him and he just betrayed me."

"I'm so sorry." Her words felt sincere, there was real pain in her voice and it cuts Hannah just a little deeper.

"You know," Hannah bites her lip, she doesn't have the words to comfort Kendra, Chuck was always better at it than her, it was as if he always knew the right words, to say. "We are all different Kendra, the people we used to be before Christmas are dead, we buried them with Alex, we have to live with who we are now." She finally finds the words that don't feel fake in her mouth. Kendra looks at her, there's a small smile on her lips.

"I don't think the president," she starts; Hannah raises her hand, stopping her.

"You think he's mentally unfit to be commander in chief?" she asks, she was afraid this might happen, but she hoped with all her might that it wouldn't happen.

"I think he's not mentally fit to be anything, father, president, candidate, the elections are coming up, what if in one debate his opponent asks him about it?"

"He'll probably punch him out."Hannah smiles, it's sad that this man, that pacifist man, the man that never hurt a fly would punch someone, but she knows it to be true. She knows that,

"Exactly!" another pause between them, this one is not as uncomfortable, they both have more things to say, but they both need time to gather their thoughts.

"Has he moved from Denial?" Hannah gathers them first. Her eyes study the woman in front of her; she takes another sip from her coffee taking her time to answer.

"Yeah, I think he has."

"Anger is the hardest to shake, Anger and Depression, they feel so normal in grieving that you don't think something is wrong, he'll take time to move on from this and he might need a punching bag," she takes out her notebook and takes a pen from her desk and writes down her cell phone. "If you ever feel like it's too much, give me a call," she gives the other woman the small piece of paper; Kendra looks at it, not reaching for it. She's tempted, she really is but something almost stops her. "I'll gladly take the punches for you" Hannah tries to tell her that she will gladly lift the burden from her if only she asks Kendra nodes no with her head.

"No, it's not needed, I made a promise" Hannah smiles sadly, she leaves the small paper in front of her at the desk and runs her hands over her face. Pressing a couple of fingers to her temples she feels her veins pulsing madly there under her skin.

"It was my fault, I started this, I let John know, I let Damian in," she bites the inside of her cheek trying to keep the tears she knows are forming from doing so. It's a valid try but she knows Kendra sees them forming in her lids. "Just if you want a break, I can give it to you." She's proud of herself, keeping her voice from breaking.

"Thank you," Kendra takes the paper and puts it in the pocket of her blazer. "For the talk and the coffee," She gets up to leave and Hannah leaves a small breathe, at least she got out of this meeting without having to talk about Chuck, and without spilling the beans about Alex and this was more than she expected getting into this. Kendra reaches the door but pauses there, Hannah's breath gets caught in her throat, she can tell why she stopped in her tracks, she knows the question she's gonna ask before it even leaves her lips. "I heard about Chuck, how is he?"

"He's still in coma" Hannah tries to keep her voice unaffected, but she heard the pain in her tone, she's sure Kendra does too.

"I'm so sorry; did they found who did it?" her hand falls from the doorknob and reaches out for hers which was hanging limply next to her.

"No, the FBI is on it, they're trying" she feels the other woman's skin touching hers, it's unexpected but welcomed.

"I'm really sorry." her voice drips sorrow with each word. Hannah can barely keep herself together when she responds.

"Me too"

* * *

He heard a knock on the door, the kids are both long asleep, his mother is asleep in her room. He leaves the glass of whiskey on the coffee table he barely managed to have a sip out of it. He opens the door, barely managing to realize what's happening before she walks inside, still wearing the same clothes she was wearing this morning. His head was killing him and he felt a buzzing in his ears that was driving him insane tonight.

"Why are you here again?" he asks her, he was really tired tonight, didn't have any strength to fight with her.

"Because I am not going to leave you alone to become a shadow of the man you are." She stands in front of him her arms crossed over her chest, she nodes to the bottle and the glass on the coffee table. Her voice is judging him, her tone waking up the monster inside him that he thought it was long asleep for tonight.

"How the fuck you know the man I am?" he grabs her arm, shaking her with his force, her hands grip his arms too right below his elbow. "How the hell any of you knows?" his voice was raising and he moved dangerously close, his grip on her arms tightened and she tightened hers on his. "You don't know me!"

"Keep your voice down, your kids are sleeping, they don't need to wake them up and see you like that." Her hands gripped him tight enough to, for the first time, leave bruises on him, as she softly hissed at him.

"Follow me!" he pulls her demandingly to the bedroom and closes the door behind them, she rubs her wrist that he had used to almost drag her in the room. Looking around everything seemed as if Alex was still here, pictures of her everywhere, one on the bedside table across from the side she guesses is Tom's, she notices her mangled wedding and engagement rings are lying there too, the twisted metal contrasting with the dark wood of the bedside table.

"What the hell do you want here?" His voice was low, threatening, but Kendra didn't mind, there weren't much he could do to her that would actually hurt her anymore. "Why you came back?"

"Because I made a promise to Alex and I'm not going to break it," she simply states, her voice is even, steady. It surprises them both how normal her voice sounds. "No matter how hard you might try!" he takes a step back, it's as if her admission punched him in the gut. His shock became anger pretty fast though and before she could react his hands grip her wrists again.

"What promise?" he asks, his eyes darkening with anger. His grip tightens and she finds herself almost gasping by his force. "Tell me dammit!" she didn't think he could but his hands grip her wrists even tighter, to a point where she gasps.

"You are hurting me." She tells him gathering her emotions the best she could. The pain in her wrists where he grips her is almost overwhelming her.

"Tell me!" he demands, his voice so different from the one she's used to, the soft kind voice of a man that seems so long gone now, that she can barely remember his smile.

"Let go of me!" she pulls her hands back, he's shocked by her move and as if a reflex he lets go of her. She rubs her wrists for a moment, they are red and she can feel the bruises already forming there.

"I promised her I'd be here for you, I promised her I'd take care of you." She tells him softly, her voice betraying her in the end. She sees him lose few steps, he falls back to the couch there the tears slowly overwhelming him.

"Why?" he gasps out, it's as if he can't draw enough air in his lungs.

"Why what?" she asks puzzled.

"Why did she make you promise her that?" he looks up, his blue eyes are red and glistening with all the tears filling them. He uses the back of his hand and wipes a couple that escaped away. He looks at her so lost, so broken, it's a marvel how many emotions this man is hiding. She walks slowly to him sitting down next to him on the couch.

"I don't know, she had a feeling that it wasn't the end of it, Forstell dismissing the case."

"She knew. She knew?"

"I don't think she did know she was," she stops, something stops her, she can't find herself actually uttering the word "She had a feeling that something might happen." The sob that left Tom's lips broke her heart, it was so pained, he closed his eyes tightly trying to keep the tears from falling.

"That's why she left me a voicemail. Alex never leaves voicemails, she texts or calls again." he says to no one in particular it's as if he's just talking to himself as he raises his legs on the couch hiding his face on his knees. She doesn't know what to do, should she talk or not, should she even be here?

"She left you a voicemail?" she asks, her voice is barely above a whisper, it's so if he wants he can ignore her, he can pretend not to have heard her and she'll pretend too.

"Yeah, telling me she beat it, we beat it," he raises his head, looking at her, his eyes are starting to swell from the tears he shed already. "Telling me she loves me." The last part was so soft, almost breathed out less spoken.

"She," Kendra stops, she tries to stop her sobs from leaving her mouth, she didn't know she had tried to get to him, "She did?" she asks, his answer is all she needed to know, Alex probably knew that something terrible would happen to her.

"Yeah." The tears start flowing down her eyes again before she has a chance to stop them.

"I really wish I could swap places with her." She tells him through her sobs, she fells his hand on her back, slowly pulling her closer until she finds herself crying on his shoulder.

"Don't, don't wish that." He tells her, his hand on her shoulder just tightening.

 _"_ _Tom!" her voice is sweet in his ear, it's making him sick. She makes his name sound so different, almost like an insult._

 _"_ _No, not you again!" he murmurs in his sleep. He tries to keep his eyes closed tightly but her cold hand touching his face makes his eyes snap open. He finds himself lying in the bed, for a moment he wonders how he got there, he remembers covering Kendra with the blanket on one couch and then lying down on the other across from her._

 _"_ _Yes me again." She steps back and smiles sweetly at him "Do you enjoy her company?" she asks, for a movement he doesn't understand what she means but then his eyes fall on the curled up form sleeping on the couch in front of him. His eyes linger for a moment before her cold voice distracts him again. "You do don't you?" she taunts him. Something inside him breaks, shatters with every taunt falling from her lips._

 _"_ _What if I do?" he asks her, he wishes he could touch her, push her away, hurt her like she hurts him, he can't do that with his words, she always laughs at him when he tries. So he wishes he could use his hands, his fists, something._

 _"_ _Well you killed her, like you did to me" she says, Tom fells a knot in his throat, he doesn't understand what she talks about, Kendra is alive sleeping on the couch._

 _"_ _No I didn't. Fuck off!" she laughs sinister, low. It chills his bones._

 _"_ _Look next to you Tom!" she uses her bony hand to show behind him on what used to be Alex's side, he slowly turns around. It takes all his willpower not to get sick with the sight in front of her, it was Kendra she was lying there, wearing a soft white dress, there were bruises all over her arms, all of the shaped like hands and he is certain that if he tires it his hands will fit perfectly on them. There was a big cut on her throat and her blood was staining her white dress, her neck, the pillow behind her, the sheets, everything._

 _"_ _No!" he feels paralyzed sitting on the bed as her blood slowly leaves her lifeless body, he looks down at his hands they are stained with her blood too and the knife he finds himself holding is burning his flesh. He throws it on the ground and tries to use his hands, the sheets, everything he could to stop the bleeding, it was pointless and he knew that. The life had already slipped from her but he still found himself trying. "No, no, no! Kendra!"_

Kendra woke up startled, someone was calling her name, she looks around at the unfamiliar room, something thick and warm is covering her. Looking around she notices the president turning and twisting on the couch across from her, he's dangerously close to falling down so she untangles herself from the warm blanket and kneels next to him, her hand finds his and she tries to get him to wake up.

"Sir? Tom!" he is startled awake, his eyes foggy try to find who called his name, he finally focuses on her.

"Kendra!" he calls her name in relief, he is so glad to see her alive.

"What's going on?" she asks, Tom just grips her hand a little tighter and sits up.

"Nothing, I had a nightmare." He tells her, running a hand over his face he slowly opens his eyes. "Promise me something please." He looks at her biting her lip, she's not sure how to respond and it takes a while before she does.

"Anything."

"Don't wish you died that night, please don't."

"I'll try." She smiled sadly, she hoped she could do that, she's gonna try not to wish this in front of him but she can't help herself thinking how better off everyone would be if she had died instead of Alex.

"Please, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone else." His hand is still holding hers and Tom closes his eyes, he tries to gather his thoughts, his mind still foggy from sleep and the nightmare that is still making his heart beat faster than normal. "At least I had Alex for almost two decades, eighteen years," he smiles, his smile sad, still not reflecting to his eyes, Kendra is shocked by it, she had forgotten what his face looked like when he smiled, even if the sadness was still reflecting on his eyes. "Eighteen wonderful years and two amazing children, someone out there, looking for you," she looks away and he uses his free hand to get her to look at him, the grip on her chin is soft, feather like, so different from the grip on her arms before, just like his grip on her hand now. "There's someone out there for you."

"They won't know me, like you said, you knew Alex, eighteen years, that someone," she wipes a few tears that left her eyes "They don't know me, they wouldn't know what was missing, you do, Penny and Leo do know though." Another smile forms on his lips, this one through the tears that found themselves rolling down his face once again.

"But we still have the memories." His reassurance falls on deaf ears; they both know that although they chose, for now to pretend. "Just try not to," he feels another sob rising on his throat and stops; he can't find the right words again. It's driving him crazy. "You know" he softly adds.

"Yeah."

 **A/N: Here's chapter 4 I hope you guys enjoyed it!**

 **Here's a sneak peek from the next Chapter:**

 _He woke up angrier than he had ever been today, Kendra had left before he woke up, leaving a note on the coffee table. He crumbled it in his hands and threw it away…_


	5. Not just threats

**Chapter 5**

He woke up angrier than he had ever been today, Kendra had left before he woke up, leaving a note on the coffee table. He crumbled it in his hands and threw it away. It hit the wall and fell on the ground softly. He walks in the bathroom and looks at himself on the mirror, he looks tired and older. Sometimes, days like this one he wishes he was in the capitol that night it got blown up. Yes Alex would be devastated and his kids would miss him but they would be safe, all three of them, safe from the pain, the exposure, the dangers that come from being the 'first family of the United States'. Ignoring the hollowed eyes man in the mirror he quickly gets ready for the day ahead, he looked at the razor in front of him, he knew that he should shave but decided against it. The world wouldn't end if he went unshaved for one day in the office. He was scared that the more he kept looking into the mirror he was almost tempting fate and the shadow would appear once more to berate him again.

He gets dressed, and sneaks out of the residence, his mother and kids still asleep, he feels a stab of guilt in his gut, he left again without seeing them, but he couldn't face them, how could he face their faces, see the pain in their eyes, it would be as if he was admitting he failed them, failed _her_.

Which he did, but he still wasn't able to admit it.

He opens the door to his private office, Mike is standing outside, he freezes there, there's another agent next to him, he doesn't have an earphone and he is handing his gun to Mike. His face is familiar though. Too familiar.

"Mike!" he calls his agent's name and walks inside the office, dropping his old and weathered briefcase on the floor. The leather hits the wooden floor with a thud, he doesn't care. Mike enters the room, he can see the gun the other agent gave him still in his hands, he tries to hide it by placing his arm behind his back.

"Good morning sir" he says, his voice the same as always, as warm and friendly as it was before Christmas, as if he didn't see him sob on the floor of a hospital corridor, as if he didn't have to almost carry him to the car, as if he didn't have to hold him back to not rip the casket open just to see her face another time.

"I want the agents in Alex's detailed fired!" He stops behind his desk, straightens up a bit more with each word. He sees Mike's face, a flash of disappointment flashes through his eyes. It's brief, not longer than a second, yet it sparks more anger in Tom. He knows that look on Mike. It's the look he always has when he has to tell him he can't do something.

"I can't do that sir, I can assure you," Tom raises his hand cutting him off, he didn't need to hear his assurances, they meant nothing to him anymore.

"I don't need your assurance Mike, it means nothing to me, you assured me that Alex was safe every time she was leaving the white house and look where that got us. I need them fired, and if you can't do that, you're fired too!" the last part shocked him, he never thought he would say those words to anyone much less Mike, but apparently he changed enough to be able to utter those words without flinching, Mike did though. His anger prevents him from seeing the guilt and the pain in Mike's eyes, had he seen them, really seen them then he might have stopped himself, he might have apologized, but the rage was blinding him.

"You can't fire secret service agents sir, I assure you those agents will not work in protective detail ever again, and the head of the first lady's detail is suspended till further notice." this time Mike's voice is cold, different from what he uses when talking to Tom, as if he's talking to a stranger, to a man he doesn't know. He has to, this man in front of him might carry his friend's face but he isn't, this man is cold and broken, he is hurt and feels like he has to hurt others to feel better or even feel anything at all. He needs to be as cold and distant as possible, but the pain in his eyes breaks him a bit and the next part falls from his lips without much thought. "Sir I know you are hurt but firing those agents is not gonna bring her back, you know that right?" Tom lowers his head; he catches a couple tears that escaped his eyes before they roll down his cheeks.

"It's not your business Mike!" his voice is breaking with every word and he stops taking a couple breaths. "I know it's not gonna bring her back!" his voice is rising and Mike sees his hands curling into tight fists. "IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE'S FAULT SHE'S NOT HERE!" his explosion takes him by surprise, Mike takes a couple steps back, this man is a brewing volcano under all the stoic exterior he has carefully build. He wonders why he didn't notice earlier, Tom Kirkman can't lie to save his life,

Tom feels all the adrenaline draining from his body at once and falls back on his chair; he closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands.

"Just, leave, just go." Mike nodes although the man can't see him and leaves him alone in the room.

XXXX

Hannah got out of her car, looking at the building in front of her she can't remember the last time she could forget its existence. Taking the bouquet from the seat next to hers she locks her car and starts walking to the entrance, she feels weird not having visited yesterday but with everything happening she didn't had the time, she got home well after midnight and just collapsed on the bed exhausted, she was close she could sense it. Damian would make his next move soon.

She got to his room avoiding all interactions with others, he was lying on the bed, a tube down his throat helping him breathe, millions of other wires and smaller tubes visible under the thin blanket that covers him. He looks peaceful, the doctors don't know why he isn't waking up, he should be but instead he has fallen into a coma. He stubbornly refuses to open his eyes. There was one, a neurosurgeon, that told her it's probably because of the trauma, but those were all the answers he had. She shakes her head, for now he is here and so is she, she puts the flowers she brought in the vase at his bedside throwing away the old ones that started to wither and pulled the chair from the side of the room close to his bed. She sat down and took his hand, it was warm and soft.

"Hey Chuck, I couldn't come to visit yesterday, it was a long day, but I'm here today." "I brought you new flowers too, lilies that you like. They smell nice; I now know why you always kept a vase of them in your apartment." She looks outside, the sun is bright although does nothing to break the cold. The snow at least has melted. "The weather is getting better." She says, this was so weird for her, she always had the right words with him and now she finds herself unable to figure out what to tell him. The truth rises in her throat, almost suffocating her, it burns her tongue her lips, everything.

"I lied to you, I told you that you know who killed her" she blurred out, she takes a couple deep breaths trying to calm her raging heart beat down, the image in her head of Alex's broken body on the back of the car will haunt her forever. Everyone knows that she died in the ambulance on her way to the hospital, and that's what they will know for now, in reality it was her in the ambulance, with a friend from home, Callie, who helped her fake the death certificate, they ushered her into a private room under a different name, the bruises on her face and the gausses wrapping her head concealing her blonde hair were easy to deceive the few, next to none, who were around until, just a short week after, she was moved in Alaska. The body of a homeless prostitute buried in the grave with the first lady's name. She smiles at that a bit. This woman made her living based on her good looks, ones creeping similar to Alex Kirkman's, and now she was buried in her grave. One quick dyeing of her light brown hair to blonde and she was set to go. A closed casket funeral followed and no one had the opportunity to pick apart the small differences between the two women, like how this woman's nose had been repeatedly been broken, or how she had a large scar on the top of her forehead, one she covered with her bangs, or how this woman was almost four months pregnant when she died. Small things that would have blown their cover away in a week, but didn't, the president listened to the Callie who told him her face was too mangled for him to see her much less the entire world, or their kids and agreed to a closed casket. She was still impressed that he didn't barge in the morgue to see the body thought, she was sure that he would. And maybe the man he is today would but that man three days after Christmas was catatonic, unable to even walk alone without Cornelius Moss and Mike Ritter holding him upright.

"She's alive though, he, he failed, but I need you to help me keep her safe, I need you to help me find him and," she bites her lip, looking around her the room was empty and so was the corridor but she still lowered her head, leaning closer to this ear, softly whispering to keep it away from any possibly preying ears. "And bring her back to her family, I can't do it alone." She softly kisses his temple she doesn't know what came over her but she does. Leaning back on her chair she feels a small blush for the first time in years spreading down her neck.

"And I'm scared Chuck our boss is unraveling, I don't know who he's gonna fire next, I'm afraid it will be me and then he wins," Tom Kirkman was losing control of his anger day by day, the fight he had with the senior staff yesterday and his response to even the smallest things were enough to scare her. He suspended people without a second thought those days and even fired a few. "I thought about telling John, you know telling him the truth," she chuckles, "What I did, but I can't.|" few months ago she wouldn't have thought about it, John would have been her first call, but after the revelations that he used the Icarus investigation to forward his own political capitol was enough to shatter her trust to him. And she wonders how the hell could this happen? They fought side by side to bring down Pax Americana, they worked with the president for so long, formed personal relationships with this man and his staff and even family in John's case since he was around them more often that her "I don't think I can trust him, I did and he started a whole investigation that led to this,"» she takes a deep breath, this thing how to call it? "This mess"

She stays silent, there are so many things she has to say, so many things to ask but she can't all of them together are overwhelming her, and it's not as if she'll get answers in the end.

"I wish you could answer me," her hand rubs circles on the top of his palm. It's mindless, but it helps her focus. "I have so many questions and so few answers. You used to provide them for me and I don't think I remember how to get them on my own anymore." One tear followed the next and before long she found herself unable to stop, her sobs echoed around the empty room. It took her a while to gather herself together, almost an hour but she felt like a new person after, it was as if those tears brought some form of catharsis to her.

"It's getting late; I better get back to work now. I miss you Chuck." With one last squeeze to his limp hand she turns around and leaves the room. She walks to her car and drives off not noticing the figure of a man who was following her the entire time.

XXXX

Kendra walked in the family gym in the second floor; the president was punching a bag, his hands wrapped in gausses but no gloves. Noticing his technique she can't help but roll her eyes, his whole body is too stiff and his balance was off, she could throw him to the ground in a heartbeat.

"Punching your anger away?" she asks, her voice starlets him and he loses a step, she can see that his knuckles were slightly cut, the blood staining the gausses.

"What the hell do you want here?" he asks her, he turns his attention back to the bag but doesn't move, he's flexing his right hand slowly as if he's trying to get the feeling back to his fingers.

"I was looking for the president is he around?" she asks, he turns around starts to take off the gausses and walks towards a small fridge on the other side of the room, taking a bottle of water.

"Yeah, go ahead." He throws her a bottle as well which she catches with ease and watches him use his to soothe the pain in his bruised knuckles.

"We have a problem, John Forstell wants a meeting."

"That's Emily's job, we did you came to tell me?"

"Because you frightened your entire stuff and I'm the only one left that still stands your freaking face! That's why!"he blinks a couple times, he didn't expect this response from Kendra, it was as if she had two versions these days, the soothing calming one which made appearances mostly around the office, with her stoic un-expressing face and steady voice, and the other one that peaked through when she was with him, the one that was a brewing volcano, ready to tear his head off if he did something she disagreed with.

"That's not something you can say to the president" he warns her although he knows she'll ignore it.

"The president wasn't the one who blew up on Mike; the president wasn't the one calling his National Security Council stupid, the president wasn't the one yelling at his senior staff this morning about how useless they are. That wasn't the president, or at least god I hope it wasn't, because if that's the president, the president is mentally unstable and the president needs to be impeached!" an uncomfortable silence fell between them, Tom lost a couple steps and sat down on the bench studding her standing in front of him.

"You're punching wrong." She says again, Tom looks up, there's a slight sign of amusement on his face.

"How the hell would you know?" he asks her.

"I took kickboxing for six years, twenty years of martial arts in general, you're punching wrong you'll harm your hand before you harm your opponent."

XXXX

"Leo" Tom looks up from a bill he was trying to read and saw his son standing by the door of the oval office.

"Hey." His son's voice was cold, distant; he felt a sting of guilt at it. He knows that him keeping his distance is what amplified Leo's hostility towards him but he couldn't stop seeing Alex in both Leo and Penny so much that he, sometimes could barely look at them.

"Is everything ok, is Penny alright."

"Now you care?" Tom was taken aback by his tone; it was so similar to Alex's that took his breath away.

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't seen her in almost four weeks, a month, and now you care if she's alright? She not!" Tom looked at his son stunned, he knew that he was angry at him, another thing that added to his guilt but he wasn't sure Leo would ever raise his voice so much to him.

"I was busy." He tried to explain himself but he knew that it was pointless, "She was asleep when I came back upstairs," another lie, he knows, being asleep never stopped him in the past. He would always kiss them goodnight, even if they were already asleep.

"Excuses, I remember you waking us up, secretly from mom, when we first moved here, so could tell us goodnight." Tom looks away, Leo's look was filled with resentment and anger and it burned him anywhere it would land "You would do it even if mom was upset with you afterwards. And now that she's not here, you barely come by." He knows the question that follows, of course he does, he would ask the same question too, he does, only he doesn't have the answers. "What gives?"

"She's gone." He whispers.

"Yeah because of you." Tom bites his lip, he tries so hard to hide the sobs building up in his chest, it's such a struggle to hide from everyone, to stay strong, he blames himself all the time too, but actually hearing it from his son was the last straw.

"You could have protected her, fired Forstell,"

"I couldn't, John Forstell was doing his job!" Tom breaks, Alex had asked him the same thing right before the accident, she asked him again and again to do something, he doesn't know why but in all this that was the one thing he didn't regret. With all his faults John Forstell was doing his job.

"No he wasn't, there was no crime, there was nothing and an opening statement from mom showed that! He was trying to build a political profile! But you chose to protect your presidency rather than her."

"How dare you tell me that? I… if I wanted that I would have asked your mother for a divorce, I would have filed for a separation, cut her lose. I would have threw your grandmother under the bus." He takes a deep breath; he felt his blood pressure rising rabidly. "I would have let your mother plea for a crime I knew she was innocent. Any of that would be me protecting my presidency over her, but I didn't." An uncomfortable silence fell between father and son, both not sure what to say or do.

"And she still died," Leo broke the silence first with a soft whisper. "She wouldn't if you weren't president." This statement so small and yet so true, it fell heavily on Tom's heart, he knew that, he knew that if he wasn't president none of this would have happened, no one would have any reason to dig any of those things up.

"I know."

"I wish that bullet had killed you." His son's voice was cold. Tom felt his blood freezing in his veins, his breath caught in his lungs, Leo's back as he left the room was all he saw and no matter how many times he called his son's name he wouldn't turn around.

"Leo!" he called and called again but the young man was already long gone.

XXXX

"Eva, I'm so glad you came!" Penelope Kirkman stepped aside letting Eva come in the living room, she was nervous the two of them while on friendly terms after her son was inaugurated didn't have the easiest relationship till then.

"Of course." Eva sat down on one of the armchairs waiting for Penelope to sit down on the sofa too. She reaches for the coffee in the middle of the table but Eva weaves her away. "You told me on the phone that there was something wrong with Tom?" Penelope smiles sadly, the tears in her eyes visible to the other woman.

"My son is not the same anymore. He's," a sad chuckle left her lips, she looks down trying to find the right words to explain, what exactly to say explaining the condition her son was in. "He's different."

"We all are."

"Not like that," Eve looks at her questioning; Penelope felt the breath caught in her throat, only now realizing how much Alex looked like her mother. "He is my son and I love him to death, I'd die if I could ease his pain but I can't none of us can," she feels the sob chocking her, she didn't know how she could admit what she was about to admit to anyone else other than herself. "He's not well mentally right now."

"He is the president."

"And he does that well, he runs the country but he also has a whole staff to help him. The problem is here, with the kids," she stops talking, taking a sip from her cup of coffee trying to calm her breathe. "He can't even look at them."

"You mean he's been ignoring them since December?"

"Not exactly, more like since late January, it's more and more recently. Leo is ignoring him too, he doesn't want to see him, but Penny, Penny's been asking for him," Eva leans forward; there's something unreadable in her face. "She's been asking for him for weeks and she hasn't even seen him at all for over three weeks, I don't think she ever went this long not seeing Tom, even when they moved to Camp David." Eva leaned back on her chair. Her arms crossed on her lap, studding the other woman for a few moments before responding.

"He sees my daughter in them." She simply states.

"He does. We all do but I think for him it's harder."

"What do you suggest?"

XXXX

Tom took off his tie throwing it mindlessly somewhere in the back of the room, he had forbidden the butlers to enter the master bedroom, wanting to keep one last sense of Alex's influence in his day to day life with her insistence that at least in the residence, their bedrooms are their responsibility. They were supposed to set the good example to Penny and Leo by tiding up their room without the help of butlers and then they would do too. He doesn't know what example exactly he sets right now, hiding away in his office, avoiding all people he has no authority over.

He feels her presence in the room, it still brings chills down his spine no matter how hard he might try to ignore her. He closes his eyes taking a deep breath, he can't deal with her tonight.

"Please leave," he tells her, he's surprised his voice isn't begging anymore, he's tired, exhausted and he just wants her gone for tonight. "Not tonight."

"Why not Tom, do you have a date?" he rolls his eyes, she starts sounding like a nagging wife and that was so far away from who Alex was. "Am I bothering you, like your kids?" he can feel her breath on the back of his neck, she's standing close to him.

"Don't talk about them." He turns around and comes face to face with her. "Do not talk about them!" his tone threatening his hands curled in fists.

"Why not? You don't even talk to them."

"What I do is none of your business."

"You're turning into your father, I can see." She turns around walking to the bed and sitting down. He doesn't notice the way her clothes stain the bed this time, his anger is growing, bringing up his father was the last blow for him, he swore when Alex got pregnant with Leo he will never turn into him, he wasn't going to abandon Alex or his kids ever, so when he realizes that he is indeed turning into his father it's terrifying him.

"I am not him!"

"Yes you are, like father like son." Tom feels his throat closing, this was true, as much as he wanted to deny it the truth was powerful, he couldn't ignore it any longer, he might not have left like his father but he wasn't there either. "Don't worry, I'll take them away before you can turn Leo like you," he looks up there's a sick smile on her face, her eyes light up as she sees him breaking down. "Before Penny starts hating you, that's gonna be my only mercy."

"Don't touch them! Don't you dare!" He walks fast to the bed standing in front of her, his first need was to push her eyes, his first thought was that he had to make her shut up somehow.

"Or what?" She stands up, defiantly looking at him with cold blue eyes.

"Or I'll…" he stops realizing although late that there was nothing he could do to her after all. She was nothing but a shadow, a fragment of his imagination which held an unnatural amount of power over him. There's nothing he is willing to do to get rid of her.

"Exactly, you can do nothing to rid of me." She got up from the bed and ran her hand over his cheek, he felt the cold on his skin and closed his eyes trying to remember the warmth he felt earlier today when _his_ Alex touched his skin. It seemed like a lifetime ago as well. "You'll die a lonely hatred man."

XXXX

Tom was trying to calm his breathing, this time it wasn't fear that paralyzed him, it was mostly anger. He was furious that she would dare claim that he was like his father, he was there for Penny and Leo, and although he needed some time right now he would be there for her after all this too.

He heard a soft knock on the door followed by his mother's familiar voice.

"Tom darling? Are you in there?" he walks to the door opening it slightly trying to shut the view from her, she didn't need to know exactly how low he had fallen.

"Mom!" he looks to his left and to his surprise realizes that his mother wasn't alone. "Eva?"

"Hello Tom." Her voice is even, almost cold. For a moment Tom thinks that of course she blames him for Alex's… for what happened to Alex, but he brushes it away fast. "You weren't sleeping were you?"

"No, no, let's move to the living room." He tries to push them away from the door, slid out and close the door.

"No, honey, it's better not," his mother starts, he follows her eyes, they fall inside the room and she sees the empty whiskey bottles on the bedside table and the clothes on the floor. "Maybe your office?"

"Yeah." He slides out of the door and closes it tightly behind him, turning the key on the door to lock it. He walks to the office letting the two women walk in first, this room was completely different than the bedroom, clean and tidy exactly how Alex would have liked it. The second desk he had asked to be put in there for her significantly cleaner than his which still was covered by different briefings he had and would have to read in the near future. He sits on his desk, forcing himself to stop looking at Alex's desk and look at the women in front of him.

"What's wrong?" he asks them after growing restless waiting for either of them to start talking.

"I would ask the same thing." Eva said, her voice once again betraying her frustration with him, he hadn't heard this tone in years almost ten now and it took him by surprise.

"Excuse me?" he asks her in shock.

"I would ask the same thing Tom. What's wrong? Why aren't you there for your kids, Leo's trying to figure out what college he wants to go to, do you even know which are the final 8 he settled on? Penny asks for you, they need you!" her voice is rising; it's making him uncomfortable again, just like it did in the past. His mother sits next to even her hands crossed on her lap; her eyes avoiding his for the first time in his 50 years on this earth. It's unsettling his mother never looked away from him for any reason. "So what's wrong?"

"What are you talking about?" he looks at his mother, she's biting her lip, this was confusing him further, why would she not look at him? "Mom?"

"She's right, I love you, you are my son, but you are not well enough to take care of them, you don't take care of them." He feels as if her words punched all the air out of his lungs, he thought he was covering it well enough, but his mother had noticed and she did enough to make her worried to call Eva for back up.

"You can't take them away from me!" he clenched his fists, felt his breaths pick up, this was getting out of his control and he wasn't feeling well. "They are my kids!" his voice was raising, but the two women didn't flinch, "They are mine!" he hits his fists on the desk, he looks like a child throwing a tantrum right now but he doesn't care that much, he is dizzy and feels like he's gonna be sick.

"Show us you are the man my daughter married and you can have them back, but until then they will be moving with me and your mother." Eva stands up and looks at him in the eyes, her blue eyes, Alex's eyes, are cold, it makes him lose his step and he falls back on his chair.

"Please don't do that" a sob is building on his throat, he remembers the threat the shadow told him, that he was going to die alone, if they took his kids away then he would be alone, what reason his mother would have to come around, or Eva, or anyone for the matter. "I'll have no one." He is unable to stop the tears from leaving his eyes, no matter how hard he bites his lip, "Please…" his mother breaks first, she gets up and walks to his side, taking his hands in hers. They are warm and soft, trying to pull him back from the ledge he was ready to jump off of.

"Honey, no, you'll always have them, and us, but right now you need time alone, to think, to process, your job is hard enough as it is."

"We're not taking them away forever." Eva says, he looks up from his mother and his hands and looks at the other woman sitting there, her face had softened, it looks more like the Eva he knows from the last few years.

"Can I ask something?" His voice is soft; he doesn't have the strength in him to fight anymore, Eva nodes. "Can you at least use Camp David? I'll be much calmer if I know that they are safe." His mother looks back to Eva, their eyes lock for a moment and they both nod.

"Ok." She tells him.

 **A/N: I am sure my friend MeredithBrody will hate me after that, I love you dear. Please let me know what you think guys!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _Hannah feels like she's being watched the entire day, she can't wait to get to her apartment, lock the door and pour herself a glass of wine…_


	6. Unraveling

**Chapter 6**

 **A/N: We're ignoring the time jump between Season 1 and 2 and also following the constitution which means that since Tom is sworn in with less than half of Richmond's term left he'll be able to serve two full (4 years) terms, and elections are less than a year ago. This chapter takes place two weeks after the last one, around April 15** **th** **.**

 **Enjoy!**

Hannah feels like she's being watched the entire day, she can't wait to get to her apartment, lock the door and pour herself a glass of wine, in the safety of her apartment she could finally shake that feeling off of her. She knows something is wrong the moment she opens the door and sees the lights on. Her hand grips her gun tightly. She sees him sitting on her bed a smug smile on his lips starts forming the moment he sees her.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, her gun firmly aiming at his head, this time she wasn't taking any risks.

"I came to talk darling" he stands up, his hands mockingly raised.

"Don't call me that!" her grip tightened on the gun and her knuckles were turning white

"Lower your gun, we need to talk" he takes a few steps closer to her and reactively she takes a few steps back.

"I have nothing to say to you!"

"Yes you do. I know what you did Hannah remember?" Her breath gets caught in her throat, his words fell from his lips with such a sardonic smile that it's bone chilling. For a moment she is sure he knows, he actually knows what she did.

"What is that? Because last time I checked it was you who got the first lady killed!" She almost screams the last word to him, she tries to keep all her real emotions at bay but the president's tear stricken face at the funeral breaks her. It was because of him she had to lie to a man that always treated her with respect, kindness, even inviting her to have dinner with him, his staff and family on thanksgiving.

"Where's the evidence about that?"

"It was you who called the hit on me! It was you who planted the evidence about the first lady's mother! It was you who trespassed into the archives two hours earlier than me!" She sees his face not changing at all and she wonders is there any chance, any chance at all that he might not be guilty? Any chance that she might have been even more wrong than she thinks?

"It was also me that helped you take down Patrick Lloyd. If I was Pax Americana why would I do that?" the cold smile on his face was all she needed to tell her that she wasn't _that_ wrong about him, he was indeed guilty. Even if he never admitted it.

"Because you wanted it to be you, because he knew he was going to die anyway and wanted to throw us off, because you needed to earn my trust!" he chuckles and takes another step closer to her, this time she stays frozen on her spot, not moving barely even breathing, but still clutching her gun for dear life.

"Smart. Still not evidence but smart theories Hannah."

"Even if all that is theories you still tried to kill Chuck." She was proud with herself not breaking when she said Chuck's name, it was getting harder and harder for her to talk about him the longer he stayed in a coma.

"I heard about Charles, I was deeply saddened by what happened to him" the fake look of pain and sorrow on his face enrages her.

"YOU DID IT TO HIM!"

"No."

"Yes you did, and as soon as he wakes up, he'll be able to indentify you." She takes a couple steps closer to him until the barrel of her gun almost touches him, it's in his face but he still doesn't even blink. "Get on your knees and put your hands behind your back"

"You can't arrest me." He tells her smugly not moving a muscle to comply with her order.

"Yes I can you are a suspect in the murder of Alex Kirkman and the attempted murder of Chuck Russnik. Get on your knees and put your hands behind your back."

"I don't think so."

His next move surprises her; he launches forward and knocks the gun from her hands. Hannah falls back her shoulder crashing with the wood floor of her apartment hard; she feels a blinding pain for a second going through her entire body. A yelp leaves her lips for a moment, but she recovers fast. She brings her right hand up and uses her palm to break his nose, his pain allowed her to roll from underneath him to the other side of the room where her gun had fallen.

He launches forward catching her ankle, she looks back, there's blood coming from his nose, smearing her floor and his skin as he tries to pull her back by sheer force. She tries to use her free leg to kick him back but she can't. He puts his knee on her back forcing her firmly to the ground but to Hannah's delight lets go of her ankle, she uses her leg to kick him firmly on the groin.

Damian yelps and she can hear his body hitting the wood. She takes off for her gun again.

"Not so fast sweetheart" she hears him say through his teeth. A blinding pain explodes on the back of her head and she loses a step before everything turns black around her.

She doesn't know how long she was unconscious for but when she opens her eyes, the lights are closed and Damian is nowhere to be seen. She touches the back of her head, the spot he hit her is throbbing, she can feel the blood there.

"Dammit!" she says through her teeth. Hannah gets up and looks around her apartment; a strange smell comes off of the vents and fills the room. It takes her a little more than a second to realize what this smell is. She takes her gun from the floor and runs out as fast as her feet can carry her. She's barely out of the front door when the windows to her apartment explode showering the grass with fragments.

* * *

She tries again and again to reassure the paramedics that reached the scene that she was alright, that it was merely her ears ringing and nothing else, but she couldn't. They were worried about the bleeding from her scull she insisted she was fine multiple times. She was going to have to report it she knows that but she wanted to delay having to call Aaron for as long as possible.

It surprised her greatly when his car stopped abruptly next to an ambulance. A cop tries to stop him and she hears him scream at him that he is the president's national security advisor and he better not stop him. The young cop is frightened and steps aside letting Aaron pass by, he makes his way straight to her.

"Are you alright?" he asks, his voice full of worry. She looks at his eyes; they look frantically at her, as if he's trying to figure out if there's anything she won't tell him.

"I'm good" she says softly "Mild injuries. Ask the paramedics!" she tells him with a small smile when he looks at her in disbelieve.

"Was it, you know." He asks, his voice soft, barely above a whisper, his eyes focusing on her.

"Yeah." She responds looking away, his eyes were burning her, she felt as if every spot they touched on her skin was on fire. Maybe it was because she was hiding so much under her skin, so many lies that was eating her inside out.

"Hannah take some time off, please, you were almost blown up." His voice is pleading her to follow his words, she looks up.

"Aaron, I need to find Damian!"

"You need to rest; I'm going to inform the president that Rennet is still alive." His face turns cold, all emotion of pain, worry and care left almost as fast as they appeared.

"No please! He'll put the whole FBI on it and he'll go dark, we're never going to find him!" she feels her heart beating faster, this can't happen, Tom Kirkman will be furious at this, he will put the entire army if he can onto it and Damian would disappear forever. She needs to find him fast; Alex needs her to find him fast.

"Hannah it's still better than having just you going off on him."

"Aaron, please, please trust me, we have to keep this between us. Yes if the entire FBI was in on it we'd have more people but it would take us months maybe even years to find him." she sees him take a small step back, he is surprised by her sudden and forceful reaction. She doesn't have time to worry though, this would be the worse idea and she can't have him do that no matter what the cost.

"It could take you longer to find him on your own, and also we have years." She looks at him in surprise, she thought for months that Tom Kirkman wasn't going to be reelected but to hear it from Aaron's lips is by far most surprising; this man was in politics his entire life, if he doesn't believe that the president can win reelection then he isn't going to.

"No we don't, the president right now is not gonna get another term and you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. We have until next January hell, November till he's considered a lame duck." He looks away, covering his mouth with his hand.

"You think you'll find him faster?" he asks her after a short pause.

"Yes!"

"Ok, but I still want you to take the week off." She opens her mouth to fight him back but she sees Alex alone and unprepared of the true dangers in Alaska and freezes. Something tells her that Damian was in her apartment for something else not just to 'talk' to her, she is worried he might was looking for proof that Alex was alive.

"I think you're right I need it. I think I'll take a trip out of D.C." she sees him smiling, happy that he won this fight with her. She's thankful when he doesn't ask more questions. "Will you visit Chuck while I'm gone?"

"Of course, I wouldn't leave him alone." She smiles and kisses his cheek softly.

"Thank you Aaron." She says before walking away, she needed to go to Chuck's apartment and have a shower; the smoke was choking her here.

* * *

Hannah was looking at her phone for a long time after he booked the flight. She knew she had to call Alex and inform her of her visit but at the same time she knew that this wasn't the news the older woman would like to hear. She finally dials the number and braces herself.

"Hey Mrs. K!"

" _Hannah! How good to hear you. Is everything alright?"_ the woman's voice sounds relieved almost as if she was waiting by the phone for someone, anyone to call her. She can't imagine how tough it must be living all alone in the middle of nowhere after spending a little over a year under the most intense microscope in the world which is the American presidency. _"Can I come home?"_ her question breaks Hannah's heart, she knows she doesn't have the answer the woman wants.

"Not yet, I'm getting there," a disappointed sign leaves Alex's lips and it feels like a stab to the heart for Hannah, she put this woman through this nightmare and she had no way to get her out yet. "What you say I visit for a week, keep you some company?"

" _That,"_ Alex hesitates for a moment, _"That would be amazing."_

"I'll be there tomorrow morning." Hannah says smiling into the phone. She knows deep down she does that she isn't the visitor the woman on the phone truly wants but she will ignore it, for just tonight she will let it slide. It's a lonely world when the only people you care and love are either on the brink of death or you lied to repeatedly.

" _I'll be waiting."_

* * *

Tom closes the door to the living room behind him, he knows the secret service are probably on the hall right outside but he just wants some false sense of privacy at the moment. He looked around, they were so used sitting there with Alex that he can barely see himself living in this building alone anymore.

Tom walks to the liquored cabinet in the corner next to the big half moon shaped window and takes out the whiskey. For a moment he freezes, last time he tried to drink his sorrows and worries away _she_ appeared reminding him that this wasn't who he is. For a moment he wishes she will appear again this time. Maybe this is the way to have her around him again. But as he opens the bottle and pours the drink to a crystal glass she is nowhere to be seen.

"You won't come and stop me this time?" he ask no one in particular, he knows the dead can't hear him, _she_ can't hear him but it doesn't hurt trying. Walking around the empty room he empties the glass faster than he thought he could.

One glass follows the next and he finds himself passed out on the couch before he can even realize it.

"Tsk, tsk." Tom stirs in his sleep; he hears the disappointment in the voice in the room. "How pathetic Tom." He opens his eyes slowly; she sits on the chair by the big window looking at him sleeping on the couch, the bottle on the floor, empty, another half empty on the coffee table.

"Fuck off." He reaches for the bottle on the table and brings it to his lips. The alcohol burns his mouth, his throat, everything, but he ignores it the buzz he gets from it far outnumbers the downsides. He wants to pass out again, he wants her to disappear.

"You are amusing me. Your pain is," she stops for a moment, Tom looks at her, her blue eyes cold and unemotional "Entertaining."

"Whatever you say you fucking bitch." He whispers, under any other circumstances he would be mortified by the language he used, the language she always makes him use, but he reached to a point where he doesn't care anymore.

"Your mother should wash your mouth with soap Tom! What is this language you use, to your wife of all people!" there's a sardonic smile on her face, one that makes the back of Tom's hair on his head stick up.

"You're not her! You hear me? YOU ARE NOT HER!" he throws the glass but she disappears fast, the crystal crashes on the wall behind her.

* * *

"Hannah!" Alex opens the door Hannah was standing there, a small bag in her hands was all she was carrying, the older woman took her in her arms, giving her a tight hug which pulled her by surprise. "It's so good to see you!"

"I see you're back on your feet!" Hannah says as they pull back and Alex lets her in the cabin. It didn't change much since the last time she was here, of course Alex did, she had picked some weight since last time, and she seemed to be much healthier than she was even before the accident. There was a smell, a wonderful smell filling the room and such warmth that Hannah always associated with the Kirkman family.

"Yeah Callie came few weeks back and gave me a last check up, I'm good as new." Alex walks to the kitchen; she moves around gracefully, Hannah follows her sitting on a stool in the kitchen island looking at her prepping some more coffee. Apparently her addiction to caffeine was going on strong. She places a white mug in front of her and grabs the cream from the fridge with one hand and the sugar from the counter with the other. Looking at her move around she's the epitome of grace.

"This is great. Really." Hannah tells her, she smiles softly back at her, only for a moment though, the smile turns to a somber expression pretty fast.

"How is he?" she asks, her voice breaking a little.

"I'm afraid I don't have the answer to that Alex." A sad chuckle leaves her lips, she knew that would be her response. Hannah wasn't going to look for conformation with Tom not as long as her lies were so fresh.

"You've been avoiding him." Alex states.

"I can't look him in the eyes and," Hannah takes a breath, Alex studies her face, she's trying to find the right words, something to explain exactly what she was feeling, Alex knew that face. She knew it too well from young lawyers in the office trying to figure out the words to use as to not get in trouble "Lie to him like that."

"I know. Some nights," Alex stops, biting her lip, she isn't sure she should admit this to anyone. "Some nights I think it would have been better if you never warned me, if you didn't get involved," She stops again, turning to her side, her eyes getting lost on the outside of the cabin, there's still some snow in some spots but most of it it's mostly melted. "But then I think of the danger Tom and Leo and Penny would be in and I hate myself."

"I don't regret it, who knows what would have happened if I didn't, you might not have survived if not." Alex turns and looks at Hannah, she hadn't thought about this possibility, she honestly never thought about how close she had came to death, maybe one little thing changing, like Hannah warning her, would led to her actually dying. "I don't regret that. I don't regret saving your life."

"Thank you." She responds with a small smile gracing her lips. A comfortable silence fell between them for a few minutes before Alex talked again. "I've made breakfast; you said you'd be here in the morning."

"I was late I had to buy something first." She reaches inside her coat and takes out a handgun, the magazine and an extra clip, placing them on the counter softly.

"What's that?" Alex asks, she leans as far back as she can in her chair.

"A gun." Hannah states as a matter of fact. Alex rolls her eyes leaning closer back again.

"I know, why you giving it to me?"

"I…" she stops for a moment thinking if it's worth it to lie to her, she might have to face the reality, he might already know where she is and come after her any day now. "Damian came to my apartment; I'm scared he might find out that you are alive. I want you to have it with you at all times, I'll show you how to use it, the weather is getting better here so go outside and practice with it after I leave." Alex reaches for the gun in front of her and takes it in her hands, studying it for a while. "I need you to be able to defend yourself in case he finds you before I can come here."

* * *

Kendra looks at the view outside her window. It's still rather cold, although it's April and yet she yearns for the outside, the air in her face everything. Seth is sleeping peacefully on the couch in her living room, exactly where he was since Christmas refusing to leave her alone at home the sentiment is sweet but she feels suffocating right now. She looks one last time on the sleeping figure on the couch and turns on her heels grabbing her coat and keys and leaving the house without a second look.

She finds herself at the cemetery again. This time she remembers to stop and buy some flowers. Taking the small bouquet in her hands she walks to her grave. There are fresh flowers there again, like every time, Tom Kirkman after all visits the grave at least every other day, it's the last way he has to feeling closer to her.

She leaves the flowers on the soft ground; the grass is wet from the rain that was purring here and three days nonstop. She is glad it's not raining right now. She sits down knowing full well that her pants will be wet instantly and that she might get a cold if so. All logic is out the window though.

"Hey Alex." Looking around the rest of the cemetery is empty, she needs to stop visiting so late at night, she thinks. "I'm back again, I came to tell you that Tom is better, well better-ish."

She smiles sadly this was all she had at the moment, but at the same time it wasn't like Alex could actually hear her. "He's functioning but he's not the man you knew Alex. I don't think he'll ever be the same."

 **A/N: Here it is Chapter 6. Chapters 7, 8,9,10 and 11 are taking place three weeks after chapter 6 during which Tom deteriorates.**

 **SNEAK PEEK:**

 _Tom sits on his desk, everything around him is spinning, he wants to throw up at the moment but he tried to remind himself where he was. He looked at his schedule again and groaned, John Forstell was the last person he wanted to see…_


	7. Fighting

Tom sits at his desk, everything around him is spinning, he wants to throw up at the moment but he tried to remind himself where he was. He looked at his schedule again and groaned, John Forstell was the last person he wanted to see, but he had blown him off at least ten times since December and _her_ voice in his head is telling him that he can't be hiding indefinitely, at some point he'll have to face the man he'll even have to work with him too. Although he wasn't the only one avoiding any interactions, Forstell was skipping the scheduled meetings as well sending his deputy in most of them, just like he was sending Emily or Aaron in most of them.

"Good morning Mr. President." John says, there's something different in his appearance since he last saw him, probably in Alex's funeral. He is thinner, his coat hanging from his shoulders, his cheekbones sticking out, his hair whiter than before, not to mention the dark circles under his eyes making him look at least five years older than he is.

"Director." Forstell stands awkwardly in front of him on the other side of the resolute desk.

"I'd like to apologize for missing the previous briefings but there were some matters of the bureau that needed attending to." He says, there's a brief pause, Tom bits his cheek just to stop himself from speaking, he knew he was going to say something he would, under normal circumstances, hate, but in the end he couldn't stop himself.

"Yeah I heard. People attacking your agents right and left." He says sarcastically, he had barely seen the report from Aaron telling him that Hannah was attacked in her apartment last night, just another lose end he'll have to deal with later on. "Or is that you still can't seem to find who killed my wife?" Tom stands up and walks to the other side of the desk standing in front of the other man, he was a little taller than him but John found himself almost shrinking under the other man's stern look.

"Sir, I can assure you that the-"

"Cut the crap!" Tom's voice rose and made John flinch, it was visible but Tom was too blinded by rage to see or even care.

"Excuse me?" John takes a few steps back as he sees Tom Kirkman getting angrier by the minute. He realizes that maybe this meeting wasn't the best idea he had.

"CUT. THE. CRAP!" he explodes, the look on his face made him look away, there were so many raw emotions on it, rage, pure and unfiltered, but sorrow and pain as well, even if it was slightly clouded, John would guess from a breakfast whiskey.

"Sir I don't think-" he tries to reason with him, he knows that this isn't going anywhere after all, he just hopes to get enough time to sneak out of the room and go back to the FBI building and simply write his letter of resignation.

"I don't care what you think Forstell! It's been four months! Four! I need answers!"

"And we're working on them!"Forstell yells back, it surprises him at first, he thought he had better grip on his emotions but the sleepless nights, trying to operate on three hours of sleep maximum for over four months took its toll on him.

"Work harder!" Tom tells him slowly, his voice is threatening him and for a second too long John is just standing there looking at the man in shock. It's not long when he feels a strong shove as Kirkman almost tries to push him out of his office.

His hands work on their own as he pushes the man back, not registering that he is pushing the president of the United States and his boss after all. Tom's fist connects with his cheekbone, there's an incredible pain as his gold ring cuts open his skin and his knuckles bruise his already barely skin covered cheekbones.

* * *

 _Kendra looks around her, it's peaceful here, she's in the middle of a forest, the sound of a river is filling her ears, she can't actually see the river itself but the sound and smells of water nearby are overwhelming. She turns her back to the beautiful scenery and looks at the small cabin behind her. It's build right next to the gorge and has a small patio overlooking at the breathtaking view. She is tempted to go there, this all is too familiar and the devil in her pushes her to take just another step and walk forward._

 _She knows she will see the woman in front of her sitting on wooden swing, carved out of the trees around the house, so beautifully matching the rest of the scenery around her as if it was always there and always supposed to be there. She is covering her lap with a blanket, there's a crib next to her, and she's softly humming a lullaby._

 _Kendra gets startled when the door opens from few steps ahead of her. She sees him coming out of the cabin, his hands full with two steaming cups, the scent of coffee is too strong, it fills her nostrils making her dizzy. He walks to her he lets the mugs on the table and makes himself comfortable next to her, Kendra feels the tears in her eyes as she sees him wrapping his arm around the woman's shoulders, she leans her head on his shoulder, both of them looking at the sleeping baby on the crib._

 _Kendra get's tempted she wants to see the child, so she starts walking to them, she always wakes up when she gets to close but she is determined for once to see if there's anything in that crib. She barely get's a look of the baby inside, it's a girl with her mother's eyes and her father's face. She's beautiful as she sleeps, her hands are itching to hold the baby, maybe take it away from this fantasy land, back to the man that will cherish her day and night, the man that needs this happiness in his life._

 _"She's beautiful isn't she?" the voice behind her startles her; she turns and sees Alex standing there "How? You are there." She looks at the couple still in their own world not noticing them standing just feet away._

 _"I'm different. I know what you thought; what if I told you that this isn't just a dream but the future?" Kendra looks at Alex standing in front of her "How's that possible, you're dead!" she smiles cryptically, "You'll see Kendra. You will see." She turns around and walks back inside the cabin, stopping for a moment at the door._

 _"It's time to wake up now."_

Kendra opens her eyes slowly, it takes her sometime to get used to the darkness of the room, for a moment she get's scared, someone is pressing her chest, someone's arm is constricting her movement. It takes her sometime to realize who that person is. She remembers the last night, Seth holding her while she cried, finally getting out all she needed to say, reassuring her that she's not responsible for what happen, it didn't work, not completely but for a moment there it felt good. She asked him to sleep with her, he agreed, telling her that sleeping is all they'll do for now when she tried to unbutton his shirt. _"You are too important for me to have you regret it in the morning Kendra."_ He told her and she felt the tears escaping again just by thinking about it.

His beard is tickling the exposed skin on her chest, as he buries his face to avoid the sun rising, he looks so young in the morning light, so innocent and she can't stop herself from running her hand through his hair. "It's morning "she tells him with a soft voice.

"Hm." He answers not really willing to wake up.

"I didn't regret anything." He refuses to open his eyes but the smile on his lips is the only answer she needs.

* * *

Hannah opens the door to her office and nearly drops all her files to the floor; she bites her lip, stopping the yelp from leaving her mouth.

"Agent Wells." The president stood up from the chair in Chuck's office, he stood there not coming any closer to her while she stood by the door frozen just looking at him.

"Sir." She finally walks to her desk and leaves the files on the top.

"I've noticed you've been avoiding me here and four months." She closes her eyes and turns to face him again. Of course he had noticed, she'd be surprised if anyone in the building hadn't noticed.

"It wasn't intentional sir." She tries to lie to him but the lie burns her tongue, it sounds fake to her ears, but to her surprise he seems to believe it, or at least ignore it.

"Who tried to kill you?" he asks, his hands are crossed in front of his chest, his whole body stiff. She doesn't remember when was the last he looked at her with such a cold look on his face, probably never. That was the main reason she was avoiding him, she wanted to maintain the image of the caring, smiling man she met, she knew, and not have him smeared by this angry and mean man that replaced him.

"I don't know sir."

"Crap! The medical report states that you were in a fight before the explosion." The tone of his voice takes her by surprise; this was so different than she's used to.

"I was attacked yes, I didn't saw his face, he was wearing a mask."

"Then how you know it was a he?"

"From the build, from the fact that he cried out when I kicked him in the groin, small things you learn to notice as an FBI agent." She bites her tongue, maybe she should tell him about Damian, it's been three weeks since she tried to kill her and she can't find him anywhere, maybe Aaron was right after all and she couldn't find him on her own.

"Hm." He pauses for a moment, taking a few steps to the door. "Very well what about Agent Russnik? Who tried to kill him?"

"We don't know sir, Chuck," she bites her lip, stopping herself from saying more. "Agent Russnik has been in a coma since then."

"That's almost three months." There's some fleeing sense of worry and pain in his eyes that make her feel hopeful that the man she sees is just a façade as well. But it disappears soon after.

"Yes sir."

"You care about him?" his voice shows his feelings this question is making her tear up, no matter how hard she tries can't stop the pain from pouring out of every pore in her body.

"He's my closest friend. Other than him and Aaron Shore, I don't have many others in this world." He nods, his voice shakes when he responds.

"That was Alex for me." She looks away the tears in her eyes are burning her and she wipes a few that escaped away "And you took her away."

"Excuse me?" His sudden change scared her, he was broken and in pain minutes ago but now he looks more dangerous than all the scum she faced in her life. And in a way he was.

"Your actions took her away from me!" he turns and faces her, his face is stone cold, "It was you who pulled the thread and led to her having to testify in front of the FBI! It was you who let Forstell know! It was you who brought Rennet in this white house and gave him access!" every accusation hit her harder than the last; he didn't tell her anything she didn't knew already. She had thought about all those things many times over "This is all on you!"

"I know sir." He walks to the door and stops, looking at the painted wood. She sees him taking a deep breath and he turns around slowly, there's something in his eyes that terrifies her.

"You're fired!"

"What?" he seems elated with her shock and sadness.

"You heard me, you're relieved of your duty effective immediately, you have three hours to pack your things before Secret Service throws you out of the building." He leaves closing the door behind him with a loud sound.

Hannah tries to draw in breath but can't it's like someone is suffocating her. This was her worse nightmare, she was afraid he would do it and to some extend she's happy he didn't get to it sooner. Looking around the room she realizes that this is the last time she'll see it and she doesn't know if she's happy or sad about that.

* * *

"Hey Wells." She gets startled when she heard the door opening, looking at her watch she sees that she has some time left.

"Ritter, Mike, hey." He is standing there, his face unchanging, "I'm leaving, don't worry, I'm just packing some things Chuck might want" she tells him, she knows why he's here, Kirkman was clear that he didn't want her in the building.

"You don't have to worry about the files; I'll get them to you. Security wouldn't let you out of here with them anyway." She looks at him puzzled, still not willing to leave the files down. She takes a second, better look at him, he looks tired.

"So now you're on my side?"

"Yeah, I still think that your witch hunt started all that, but Mrs. Kirkman's death isn't on you, it's on me, it's on the secret service." He tries to discreetly wipe away a couple tears that escaped his eyes and looks away. His eyes stop and focus on the picture of Tom Kirkman on the wall, she moved it so it faces away from her desk, even looking at his picture made her guilty those days.

"It's on Damian, I'm sure he was behind it." She bites her lip, scolding herself for talking about him; she swore to never use his name again.

"Then good thing he's dead right?" he chuckles but it sounded empty, sounded as hollow as she felt right now.

"Yeah."

"So, pack your personal belongings and I'll get you the files tomorrow." He extends his hand and she gives him the files, she doesn't feel so uncertain anymore and maybe she just made a very useful allay.

"Um, I might not be here tomorrow, I'll be visiting a friend in Alaska, can you tonight?" he looks puzzled but doesn't comment on it which she is thankful for. She's getting tired of her lies and is afraid that she will spill everything one morning that probably is one of the reasons she isn't that sad about losing this job.

"Tonight. Where are you staying?" she takes a post it note that was thrown on top of her cardboard box and writes down Chuck's address, giving it to Mike with a half smile on her face.

"That's my address, it's Chuck's condo." He folds the little yellow paper in half and puts it in the inside of his jacket.

"I'll see you tonight, let me help you." He reaches for the box and helps her to her car, her hands were shaking a bit when she gave her id to the gate for the last time but she handled it.

She unlocks the car and opens the back door for Mike to leave the box. They both stand there for a moment, they don't really know what else there is to say, she breaks the silence first.

"Thanks for everything Mike." She says and extends her hand in his, his handshake was firm, his hand warm and comforting.

"See you soon Hannah."

* * *

Hannah for a few minutes and found herself driving in circles in the end. She parks the car at the nearest spot and takes out her phone. She wants to call her, she wants to call Alex and tell her that she's going there, but she isn't sure she can. After all why go there if she won't have the answers to the questions she has. A sad chuckle leaves her lips when she realizes that she might never have the answers Alex Kirkman wants, she might never get to Damian now.

She dials the number mindlessly, she still needs to meet her and tell her of the new development, that's what she says to herself, even if in reality she just wants someone to talk to.

"Hey Mrs. K."

 _"Hannah, I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon!"_ there was a shocked happiness in her voice that made Hannah smile a little.

"Yeah, I'll be coming to visit, I'll be there tomorrow." She bites her tongue a bit, hoping that she'll find a seat in any flight.

 _"Is everything alright? Is,"_ there's a hint of panic in her voice as she starts her question.

"He's fine. Everything is fine; I'll just come over for a few weeks." She responds fast, something in her panicked voice made her feel so much guilt.

 _"Another mandatory time off?"_ this time her voice is cheerful, light, there's even a chuckle at the end.

"Yeah, something like that."

 _"I'll be waiting for you then."_

"Good, just keep your phone on you at all times, I have a bad feeling." She whispers the last part, looking around, her eyes catch a glimpse of the white house still in sight and she can't help but wonder what the man in the second floor is doing right now.

 _"Will do. Fly safe Hannah."_

"Bye Mrs. K."

* * *

Tom walks in the bedroom the whole floor, hell the whole building, felt empty, he chuckles, what a great metaphor for his life after all. He lost everything, his wife was dead, his kids were away and barely wanted to talk to him let alone see him, his mother couldn't look him in the eye, his mother in law looked at him like he was the filth on her shoe, and his staff, his once beloved staff avoided him like the plague. It's nights like this that he wonders what's the reason to keep fighting, why does he need to stay here in this house, in this country, in this world and keep fighting, fighting for who after all?

Nobody needed him, nobody cared, he had nothing left to live for, but he did have someone to die for. He takes the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and opens it, not bothering with glasses this time. He wonders what would be the best way to end the pain, these days alcohol was just a temporary fix, a band aid. He realizes that he needs a permanent fix. He wonders what he can use to finish it faster, and he kinda finds himself wishing he owned a gun; he could just shoot his brains out that way. He takes the bottle in his hands and looks at the liquid inside, it's too tempting at the moment and he just takes another sip.

He can always figure it out tomorrow…

 **A/N: This is it for chapter 7! I hope you guys liked it, please let me know what you think!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _Hannah walked in the familiar room, he was still laying there, motionless, like every time she'd seen him since February. She bites her lip harder trying to stop the tears she feels welling up in her eyes but she can't, a couple escape rolling down her face, burning their path on her skin…_


	8. The truth comes out in the end

**Chapter 8: The truth comes out in the end.**

Hannah walked in the familiar room, he was still laying there, motionless, like every time she'd seen him since February. She bites her lip harder trying to stop the tears she feels welling up in her eyes but she can't, a couple escape rolling down her face, burning their path on her skin. She wishes he would open his eyes this time maybe because she needed to talk to him so much more than ever before. Hannah pulls the plastic chair from the corner of the room she left it last time she visited and sat down taking on of Chuck's hands, it seemed swollen and colder than usually. She bites the inside of her lip harder, she doesn't know what this means, what anything means anymore.

"Hey Chuck, I'll be leaving for some time, maybe a week or two, Aaron will keep you company, maybe Mike too." She manages to get the words out with difficulty, the sobs almost chocking her, but she manages to keep it together long enough to finish her sentence, she never cried while visiting him and she wasn't going to start now.

"Miss Wells, can I talk to you or a second?" she is startled by the other voice in the room, her eyes instinctively land on Chuck, hopelessly believing that it was him who spoke, his eyes though are still firmly shut. She looks at the other side of the room, standing just a few inches from the door was the neurosurgeon that is monitoring Chuck, she doesn't remember his name, doesn't bother to learn it.

"Sure." She says politely and dismisses the man with a small wave of her hand. She leans to Chuck, her lips next to his ear, her hand on the other side of his head, her body softly touching his healed torso "Dr. Handsome needs to see me, I'll be back." She jokes, tries to keep the mood light, pulling back she looks at his pale skin and can't help but place a soft kiss on his forehead.

Walking out of the room she sees the doctor waiting by the nurses' station just steps away, he sees her coming closer and leaves down the file he was studying.

"Well?" Hannah can't help but notice the look on his face, it wasn't one that she liked, he looked defeated and she can only imagine what that means.

"Miss Wells, we did some more tests on Mr. Russnik, he doesn't seem to have any brain functions left. I am sorry but you have to start considering letting him go." His voice is stable, even, and she wonders how can he have said what he just said to her and be so calm?

"You mean pull the plug?"

"I am sorry, but yes." Hannah feels her breathing picking up, everything started spinning around her, this wasn't what she needed to hear today, and today was not the day for this.

"I," she tries to take a deep breath, and steps back, just few inches away from the doctor as he reaches forward to help her not fall on the floor. "I need some time," her voice is so different, almost broken, she takes a few steps back, almost losing her balance and falling, the doctor extended his hand to help her if she needed that.

"Of course, it's just, I'm afraid he's only gonna get worse from here on."

"I'll be visiting a friend for a couple of weeks; I'll give you my answer afterwards" the look on his eyes scares her she knows, deep down, what's going to come out from his lips.

"Alright Miss Wells, but just so you know, he might not have a couple weeks after all."

"I understand," her voice breaks a bit at the end she can't really control her emotions at the moment, no matter how well she might be trying "Anything changes you know how to contact me."

"Of course." Neither of them speaks for a few seconds, just standing there, starring at each other until their eyes felt like burning holes into the other person's scull.

"I'll go back to him now." She says and turns on her heels she can barely hear the doctor's response as her feel carried her as fast as possible into Chuck's room. She closes the door behind her and takes a deep breath. He's still laying there, unmoving, it was killing her slowly seeing him like that.

Hannah whipped the tears she didn't knew left her eyes and tried to get a smile on her face, it resembled more of a grimace than a smile and her dark eyes reflected nothing but the pain and sorrow she was feeling.

"Hey Chuck, I'm back." She sits down next to him again taking the hand she had left in hers again. "He just wanted my number!" she tried to joke but it came off wrong, as if her mouth wasn't cooperating with her to get the correct feelings out. She wonders how life will be without him there, a small voice in her head reminding her that he hasn't been _there_ since February, no matter how much she tries to tell herself otherwise, she doesn't know how much of Chuck is there left in this shell she's talking to.

"I'm kidding, he wanted to talk about you, he thinks you have given up, prove him wrong Chuck!" she squeezes his hand a bit tighter as the words leave her mouth, she doesn't know what good it will do but she figures out that since crying and begging didn't work, maybe Chuck's good old stubbornness would kick in this time.

"Dammit prove him wrong!"

* * *

John needed to clear his head, so he found himself for some reason walking in the national mall; it was nearly 9 p.m. he should be home by now, his wife was waiting for him, he knew he should have gone home, but his head was killing him and his cheek had swollen a lot since this morning, the pain was throbbing and it was making it difficult to see in front of him clearly. Deep down he knew he deserved it; he was still mortified that he took the bait a hurt and drunken man had thrown at him, he prided himself to being better than that.

He was walking for about five minutes when he saw a figure sitting by the reflecting pool, she seemed to be staring straight ahead, not moving, probably not carrying about him at all. He walks slowly closer to her, something tells him he knows her, there's something in her slender figure, her dark brown hair, something that makes her so familiar to him. He walks cautiously closer to her trying to figure out who she was.

"Hannah?" he calls her name and she turns her head.

"Forstell, or is Director?" her voice is cold, every word dripping with anger. She spat his name, her words sticking to his skin.

"Please." He doesn't know what he pleads her for, maybe some sympathy but he knows she has none for him, no one really does, why would they? He wouldn't if he was in their shoes either.

"Please what Forstell? Please what?" She sees him hanging his head low, he looks defeated and probably for the first time she notices how different he looks.

"Just not you too." You raises his head; Hannah is shocked to see the bruise under his left eye, the small cut on his cheekbone, she heard he had a fight with Kirkman but she never imagined it would get physical.

"Oh my god what happened to your eye?" for a moment she forgets how angry she was at him and just took a couple of steps closer, her hands almost rose to his face, but she stopped herself, this isn't the same man he was last year, he couldn't be.

"The president punched me; he's still wearing his wedding band."

"You deserved that." She looks away at the reflecting pool, it's such a calm night, looking at her watch she sees that she needs to be back home in a little while; she doesn't want to leave Mike waiting.

"I know." She is shocked by this admission, she turns looking at him John Forstell rarely if ever admits his own faults, but here she is just saw him doing just that. "I heard he fired you."

"So you came to gloat; now I'll be working for you again." She couldn't stop herself, her anger overtaking the logic part of her brain which was telling her again and again to just look at him.

"No, I came to tell you that your job won't change when you work for me," she looks at him, the question clear in her eyes, she didn't expect him to say this to her, "I still want you to get to the bottom of this, I want you to figure out everyone who's involved with Pax Americana and bring them to justice." Hannah looks up, there's something in his eyes that confuses her, she's not sure how to respond to it, she wants to believe him when he tells her that all he wants is justice for all those souls that were lost in the capitol building bombing but she wasn't sure she could trust him with anything anymore, the question she wanted to ask him for so long stuck in her head all the time.

"Is that what you were doing with Mrs. Booker and Alex?" for the first time she sees, clearly, his face changing, she can't read him though, she is not sure what the feeling in his eyes have to say after all. "Is it?"

"Yes." he whispers his answer to her, so softly, she nearly missed it.

"Really John? Because what I heard is that you were trying to smear the Kirkmans to build a political profile for a senate run!" she can see the hurt clearly in his features this time, it's difficult to miss when he just turns his head away from her in shame.

"I did want to run for Senate, I never hid my aspirations, but I didn't use this for political gain." She chuckles, having difficult time to believe his words, how could she, he was one of the very few people she trusted completely and he turned around and betrayed her.

"Then why did you drop it when Alex told the world about it?" she felt her anger subsiding as she continued asking him the questions that were eating her alive since Christmas.

"Because I knew it would be seen as such and the bureau would take a hit." He responds to her anger with calmness, one that rivals Jason's patience with her, his voice barely changing tone, she doesn't know how to deal with that, she knows she wants to hate him, she wants to scream at him, call him names, anything, but she can't, she can't because the man in front of her faced her volcano with a cold water. "Believe it or not I actually care about the FBI; I don't want my legacy in the agency to be that all I did was delegitimize it." She sees him biting his lip, there was something else, something he hadn't told her, she knows about it, she was the one to give Alex the needed evidence, with the clear to use them as she sees fit and not care about the investigation, John probably knows that too but he still hesitates to outer the next words/ "Also, the first lady had some evidence that she wasn't involved."

"You were willing to risk the life of a family John, I told you from the beginning there was probably nothing there! I told you both Mrs. Booker and Alex are innocent!" she finds herself not really caring about the tone of her voice anymore, she doesn't care that he kept his calm and didn't start a screaming match she was willing to start one herself. She was tired, exhausted, she had lost her job, her best friend was dying and had lied to all the people she cared about, she honestly didn't care enough not to scream at the director of the FBI in the middle of the national mall.

"And I should have listened to you, but I also had to investigate it! You think it didn't bother me? I knew Alex Kirkman, she was a marvelous lady, tough as nails, and I didn't want to believe that she was involved in any wrongdoing but I had to investigate it." Nasty thing emotions, Hannah knows it, logically she knows that he is right, that he had to investigate, it's what she would have done, it's what she did in the past, but emotionally she felt his betrayal deeper, it was still a knife lodged in her back after all. "Had she been open and foregoing with me it would never have reached to that point."

"What?" she asks him, she can't believe what she had just heard from the lips of the man she thought she knew.

"All she was doing was protecting her family. That's who she is!" she pushes him back lightly and starts to walk away, she can't even bear looking at him anymore.

"Who she is?" his question stops her at her feet.

"Sorry?" her breathing fastens, she hopes he won't hear it maybe that he will ignore it but she knows John and he's too smart to ignore it, she knows better than to think that he might ignore it

"You said that's who she is, and before," he pauses, looking at her, his eyes wide, his blue eyes studying her face as carefully as they could through the tears she hadn't noticed were there. "You keep referring to Alex Kirkman in present, like she's still alive."

"Slip of the tongue." She answers quickly, she knows he knows, all her tries to invade the subject are and will prove futile, there's no way he is going to ignore her 'slip of the tongue'.

"No, no I know you Hannah! This might was a slip of the tongue but you are hiding something. Is Alex Kirkman," he looks around with caution, as if he's trying to figure out who might be hiding in the bushes, he walks closer to her, so close that she can feel his breath on her neck, it gives her goosbumps all over her body but she tries to ignore it, she tries to suppress the sound of her heart beating loudly in her ears. "Is she alive?" he whispers.

"John, this is nonsense." She tries to evade him again and she turns around to leave, she knows if she stays much longer she'll find herself too tangled in this mesh and she won't be able to escape, she wonders, what crime is it to lie to the president, it sounds like one.

"No it's not, Hannah!" this is the first time in their entire conversation that Hannah turns her head away in shame, she can't help but snicker in the irony in her head. "Hannah talk to me!"he walks closer to her, his hands clutching her arms tight enough for her to feel the pressure but light enough to not leave bruises.

"I can't trust you John." she says softly, her voice barely coming out, she didn't want to admit it to him that his actions wounded her almost gravely, that her trust in him was shattered probably forever.

"Of course you can." He stops for a moment, the realization of what she told him hitting him, she can see the question turning to hurt quickly. "Hannah you know me, I wouldn't risk a person's life, I can't sleep since Christmas," his words make her take another good look at him, ignore the bruise on his face or the swollen and cut cheekbone and just look, she notices the black circles under his eyes as if they just appeared out of nowhere , she notices the weight loss and the exhaustion, she wonders how the hell could she have missed it, "Thinking I was responsible for the accident," "Breaks me." They both stay silent, just looking at each other, not knowing what to say next, she knows what he'll ask, he'll want an answer, a straight one and Hannah just prepares herself to give it to him, she is still not sure if she can but she knows she has to. What she blamed Tom Kirkman of doing she sees that she is doing to other as well. This was her mess, and yes she created it but she didn't have to carry the burden alone, she could tell someone, someone she knew would never risk her secret, she wonders is john that person?

"Is she?" he asks, he keeps his voice down, looking around as if he's worried to that someone is watching them.

"Yeah," she whispers softly, it was as if she wasn't sure how to admit the truth, it was such a small word just four letters and yet it probably was the hardest words she had uttered in her life. She sees his face lighting up in a smile she forgot when she saw last, it wasn't sarcastic, or used in an effort to hide anything, it was just wide, open and warm, she almost instantly feels better telling him for some weird reason. "Don't ask me for more John, because I honestly cannot tell you, but she is." she tells him as soon as she sees him opening his mouth, he closes his mouth taking a deep breath and nodes, she is surprised his smile stays there the whole time. He gives her his hand and she takes it "Walk with me" he tells her, they slowly start walking to the Lincoln memorial, the chilly breeze is waking her senses up, like the strongest shot of caffeine.

"Does her husband know?" he whispers, she knew he would want to know more, she doesn't blame him really, she just involved him in a mess unparallel to anything else before, they both might lose their job when all this comes to light.

"No! And he can't know until it's over." She lowers her voice, looking around, they are thankfully alone. John stops and turns to look at her, she knows that look on his face, she has seen it a couple times in the past already.

"When is it gonna be over Hannah? He needs to know." She knows he is right, she has seen him, she knows the pain he is going through and she couldn't agree more that he does need to know, but she knows better than that, he does too, they can't let the emotions overwhelm them in this, letting the president know would only end terribly for all.

"What's he gonna do?" she asks him, she can see him thinking the wheels on his head working overtime, a sad chuckle leaves his lips and lowers his head. "Exactly John!"

"You know he can't know about this. I'll explain everything to him when she's safe, when they all are safe." He raises his head and looks at her, for the first time Hannah can see the director of the FBI there, his next question doesn't come as a surprise to her anymore.

"You know who did it." There is no question in his voice, he knows she knows.

"Yeah."

"It's Rennet isn't it?"

"Yeah." She bites her lip, this was another tough admition, how can anyone admit something like that? It was her that allowed him in their lives, it was her who let him in the white house, she was blinded, and to think that if she only had listened to Chuck's doubts she might have been able to stop all this.

"I'm so sorry Hannah." There's not a sign of pity in his voice, not that Hannah expected it to be but she still is happy to see that he hasn't changed that much after all.

"So am I." she looks at her watch, it's getting late and she needs to get back home soon if she didn't want to leave Mike waiting. "See you around." She tells him and turns around walking away, john stood where she left him frozen in his heels, not sure what else to say there had to be something, he knew there was something but it was as if his voice was stopping him.

"Hey Hannah." He calls her name and she turns around to face him. "If you need any help I'm a phone call away with an army in my disposal." She smiles kindly, they both know that she will do everything not to call him but it was nice to know that she wasn't fighting this never ending battle on her own.

"Thank you John. I know."

* * *

She barely had time to take off her jacket and shoes when the bell rang, she takes another look at her watch smiling, Mike was always on time, never a minute late, she guesses this is something he picked up being in the Presidential Protection Detail for over a year now. She walks to the door barefoot, the wood cold under her feet and looks through the peak hole just to make sure it was still Mike, she sees him standing there looking around a little bored she smiles and opens the door.

"Hey Wells!"

"Hey Mike." She tells him stepping aside letting him in the apartment. He lets the files fall on the kitchen counter with a thud, she can sense that he didn't just carry the files to her here.

"I looked through the files, Damian."

"Shhh." She shuts him up, pressing her hand on his mouth stopping him from saying another word. She doesn't know why she is so paranoid, Damian never came to Chuck's apartment, only hers, theoretically his apartment wouldn't be in danger to be bugged, but she still couldn't stop herself from being careful, she couldn't risk it, she's up against an enemy that wouldn't let her live to regret it.

"What?" he asks whispering as soon as she removes her hand from his mouth.

"I couldn't tell you in the office, but Damian is alive, he was wearing a vest when I shot him, he's the one that stabbed Chuck, he's the one who tried to kill me. I was going to bring him in and inform the president but he knocked me unconscious and when I woke up I smelled gas and got the hell out of there." She looks at him as he takes in all the information she was giving him, all the expressions that his face changes were remarkable, she can almost guess his next question, she knows it as well, it's the same Aaron and John asked her, it's the same Chuck had asked her.

"Why not inform the president?"

"He'll have the whole FBI on it in seconds, I know Damian, he's gonna go dark till Kirkman is out of office and out of power and then he'll come back to finish the damn job!" she explodes although it's not Mike's fault he wasn't the one who frustrated her and still she couldn't stop herself, she's tired of being asked the same question over and over again. She doesn't expect his next question though, she knows that many intelligence agencies and the staff are preparing about it but listening to Mike ask her the question was a game changer.

"You think he's not gonna win reelection too?" she is surprised, 'too' does that mean that the secret service doesn't think he'll win re election as well? This is a totally new ball game.

"Yeah, you guys too?" Mike nodes at her question, his head lowered, ashamed to admit that he truly believes that his president, his friend would lose.

"The secret service is already reviewing plans of securing his residences in New York and here in D.C. if he chooses to stay here." She knows, as well as Mike that Tom Kirkman isn't going back to new York, not with his wife buried here, she wonders if Alex coming back before the elections will change the outcome but she shakes this thought from her head, it's not her job to worry whether or not the president wins reelection, her job is simpler, it's to serve and protect.

"So you understand! We can't have him know! Not yet!" he rusn a hand over his tired face, a groan leaving his lips as he opens his eyes and looks at her.

"Fine. I'll keep your secret, but you have two months to get him, or I'll tell him!" his ultimatum was something she didn't expect, but she understands, she totally does why he does it, she wonders if he knew the whole truth how much his reaction would change, would he give her two months or would he demand he flies with her to Alaska? Would he accept to fly coach or would he have commanded Air Force two for the job? Would he settle in a smaller unmarked jet? One thing she knows for sure is that he would inform the president right away, maybe she should tell him, then she could give to Alex someone she really wanted to see.

"I only need one." He looks at her with a smirk on his face, one she gives back, she doesn't know why she says that but she does, maybe it's sheer dumb bravado but whatever, she'll take it, it's the first time she feels alive since December.

* * *

Hannah looks at her watch, the airport in Detroit is quite today, not a lot travels surprisingly, her phone rings startling her.

"Wells!" she answers, the voice on the other side of the line scares her, she has heard john in many states but never panicked like that.

"Hannah it's John, I have something for you."

"What is it?" she asks him,

"I've been tracking Rennet since last night; he bought a ticket to Alaska last night at 10p.m. for the 6 a.m. flight to Anchorage. He'll be landing at 2.43p.m. Local."

"Oh my god!" she gasps, Hannah starts looking around, could he truly be somewhere around her? She knows that there's only two flights leaving at 6 am and for her good luck neither is a direct flight. "Where does his flight stop?"

"Chicago and Denver!"she bites her lip, she knows this flight, it's the one she would have taken. The one she always takes when she visits Alaska.

"Dammit!"

"What?"

"Mine stops in Detroit and Seattle, Seattle always has delays but Alex wanted me to get her some things from the duty free shop so I thought I could afford it." she doesn't see him but she knows that the realization of what she told him hit him as well. They both knew what that meant.

"He's gonna be there faster than you."

"Half an hour at least." Of all the times to find herself in the Seattle airport this would probably be the worse.

"Do you need backup?" he asks her, she knows as well as he does that she will refrain from using his help until the very last moment.

"I don't know, I'll call you when I land."

"Hannah," she can feel his disapproval through the phone, it's so obvious after all.

"I'll call you." She says again as if something will change this time

"Hannah!"

"I don't want to involve you yet John! The moment you get involved… he knows. Just wait." she hangs up her phone just in time as her flight is called to board, he's doing the same in Chicago, how it's possible that he will land sooner, she can't help but curse every god listening. She knows she has to call Alex as soon as she touches down in Seattle and hopes that there won't be any delays.

* * *

Hannah spends her whole flight trying to get onto a faster one while at the same time tracking the flight from Chicago to Denver. His touched down minutes before hers and Hannah felt another punch in the gut. As soon as the wheels of the plain stop she takes out her pone blindly calling Alex.

"Hello? Hannah?" She sounds surprised, didn't expect her to call and Hannah wishes she didn't have to call.

"Alex get the gun I gave you and run!"There's silence from the other side of the line every minute seemed like an hour to Hannah until she finally heard Alex responding.

"What?" her voice was shaking, Hannah can't blame her, this was probably something she wasn't used to.

"You heard me get the gun and disappear deep in the forest."

"Why, Hannah what's going on?"her voice lost all sings of confusion, and Hannah knows that she deserves an explanation, it's the least she can do for her after all the pain and trouble she put her through.

"Damian knows you're alive and is coming to Alaska," there's only a gasp coming from the other side of the line, taking another look on her watch she sees that he probably already boarded the flight to Anchorage. "He knows where you are. Go!"

 **A/N: Thank you for reading guys, please leave a word let me know what you think!**

 **Sneak Peak:**

 _Alex hangs up the phone looking frantically around the cabin for the gun her shoes and a coat. She didn't know how he found her but she trusted Hannah, she trusted her all this time, trusted her with her life. The image of Tom and their kids in her head steadied her hands and she put the magazine in the gun leaving the cabin not looking back…_


	9. Finally some progress

**Chapter 9: Finally some progress**

Alex hangs up the phone looking frantically around the cabin for the gun her shoes and a coat. She didn't know how he found her but she trusted Hannah, she trusted her all this time, trusted her with her life. The image of Tom and their kids in her head steadied her hands and she put the magazine in the gun leaving the cabin not looking back or caring that she left the phone on the table behind her. The air was still cold even though all the snow had melted away by now. Her heart was beating loudly in her ears, looking around her she couldn't see why Hannah urged her so strongly to leave but she knew she could and should trust her Hannah was never irrational when someone's life was on the line.

The cold air was hitting her merciless on the face as she was running through the trees, she could feel the leaves and branches breaking under her feet the adrenaline pumping in her veins, she knew that she would be exhausted soon if she just keeps running, and she's fairly sure that she's running on the opposite side of the nearest village, but even if she isn't the nearest village is too far away for her to just run to. Looking around she finds a large tree with a cavity big enough that she could hide inside.

Curling inside she brings her knees to her chest trying to calm her breathing, the gun still clutched tightly in her hand. She felt sick probably from all the adrenaline and felt the tears burning her eyes. Was this how she was going to die? Alone in a forest miles and miles away from her family? Being hunted like an animal by a sociopath?

* * *

He was drunk, Tom knew that he should stop drinking but he couldn't, it was as if the alcohol had a strong hold on him that was making him turn to it at every chance. Alex would be so disappointed in him if she saw him like that, sitting on the corner, hugging a bottle of whiskey close, too numb to even cry.

"You are pathetic you know that?" he looks up, his eyes take a while to focus on the figure on the other side of the room, she was familiar, the blood on her face, the cuts and the bruises, he had grown used to seeing them. "And you are a bitch." He whispers bringing the bottle to his lips again. He looks up and sees her smiling at him, there's something sinister in her eyes that Tom just doesn't care analyzing anymore.

She breaks the silence first, again, just like she always does. "What a pathetic little human being, hiding behind the bottle instead of facing your problems." He rolls his eyes, looking at the bottle he realizes that it's nearly empty. "Have any better way?" he asks sarcastically. Tom gets up with some difficulty and walks to the drink cabinet, there's another closed bottle there which he takes off smiling. "Cat got your tongue?" he asks, his own voice shocks him, there's such venom in it, so different than his normal tone, but he is good enough to hide it from her.

"No" she slowly stands up and starts walking towards the window. The sunlight shines in her hair, and for a small moment Tom feels his breath getting caught in his throat. If she stayed like that, with her back turned to him then he could almost pretend that she was just Alex. He blinks a couple times, trying to erase this picture from his head, it was just a week after they had moved to the white house, he came upstairs a little after 7p.m. a first, and found her standing by the window, looking outside, the sun was just setting and the light fell so softly on her, he could swear that she was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen after his kids, but now this shadow was marring it turning this memory into a horror story. "Leave." The word comes out with difficulty, through his teeth.

"What?" she asks turning around slowly, she looks at him, her eyes challenging.

"I said leave!" his scream scared him too, but she stayed there, a sardonic smile on her lips the whole time. "Leave!" the empty bottle he was holding crashes on the wall behind her head, she once again disappearing before it hit her. He falls to his knees and screams, he screams until his throat hurts.

There's a hand on his shoulder, and someone is calling his name, his actual name this time not his title, when he can finally hear again. He blinks a couple times and sees Mike's large figure hovering over him.

"Mike?"

"Mr. President," he sounds relieved.

"Why are you here?"

"I heard the glass breaking, I knocked you wouldn't answer, I thought you were injured sir." Tom looks at him perplexed; this was confusing his clouded brain.

"I'm fine, get out." He almost winches for the way he talked to his friend, he was sure that his sober self would be horrified by him but right now he can't find it in himself to care much.

"Good night sir." Mike closes the heavy door behind him and for a moment Tom wanted to scream at him to leave it open, as if this would make him any less alone.

It takes him some time to get himself up from the floor, bottle in hand he walks to the bedroom. The bottle leaves his hand and crashes on the wood floor, she is sitting on the bed, the covers around her waist, the laptop, her laptop on the bedside table next to her, her arms are crossed over her chest, as she tries to looks stern but the smile on her face betrays her.

"Alex" her name leaves his lips softly.

"What a mess." She rolls her eyes, the smile on her lips all the sign he needed to tell him that she was amused. "Come here you big dummy." She opens her arms and for a moment Tom takes a step back, he knows if he touches her she'll disappear, and he wants to savor this sight for as long as he can. "Tom!" She smiles wider and gets up from the bed, throwing the covers off her, she standing in front of him and her hands reach forward, he yelps when he feels her skin touching his. This was so weird, for a moment he felt like losing his mind.

"Will you come to bed now? It's late I have things, first lady things to do in the morning." He opens and closed his mouth, not sure what to say, so he just nodes and follows her to the bed.

It takes her no time to get settled under the blankets, it takes him a little longer. "Wow, stiff as a board Mr. President." She jokes, Tom turns to his left and sees her smiling, her head propped up by her hand, "Wanna talk Tom?" he finds himself unable to speak at all in front of her so he just nodes again. "No?" the smile on her face turns into a sad one, "Wanna cuddle?"

He can't stop the laugh leaving his lips this time "Sure" he says, this time his voice barely coming out.

He closes his eyes and can feel her hair tickling his chin, her hands around his waist, clutching his shirt tightly. Slowly, almost scared, he wraps his arms around her waist, the skin under her silk gown is warm, soft and so familiar it hurts. He doesn't know what god to thank for this, getting to spend just a little while longer with her but he is thankful for it.

He's almost asleep when he heard her whisper something in his neck, he can barely make out what it was and he didn't want to believe what he did hear.

 _"_ _I'll be back soon."_

* * *

Kendra hears the phone buzzing on her desk; she hopes this isn't some emergency that she needs to go to trial for. She honestly needs a quite Friday afternoon.

"Daynes."

"Kendra it's Mike, I need you to come to the residence now!" Kendra drops her pen on the desk, his voice sounds worried, she isn't sure if she had ever heard him like that.

"Why what's wrong?"

"It's the president, he wasn't well, please come, I don't know what to do and lately it seems as if you are the only one he'll listen to." She bites her lip hard and feels the blood on her tongue. She grabs her bag from the floor and writes a note to Seth, she knows he will come looking for her here in thirty or so minutes.

"I'm coming just," she stops and looks back at her office, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. The tears escaping her lids are rolling down her face, burning their path on her skin. "Just make sure he doesn't kill himself will you?"

"Yeah just hurry."

* * *

This was the tenth time Hannah called Alex's cell phone but once again it went straight to voicemail. She's waiting for the car outside of the airport and every minute feels like an hour. "Come on, come on!" she says to the mic of the phone as if Alex was going to hear her. She hangs up and redials the number almost immediately, Damian was probably already in the cabin by now, so she at least hoped Alex had done what she told her and got the hell out of there.

"Pick up the phone dammit!"

* * *

Kendra looks around as soon as the elevator doors open, Mike is sitting on a chair next to the living room door, he looks tired, his eyes bloodshot.

"Mike!" he looks up a faint smile grazes his lips.

"Kendra!" he stands up and walks to her, Kendra takes his hand in hers.

"What's going on?"

"He is," she sees him biting his lip, trying to stop what she's sure is a sob from leaving his lips. "He is getting worse Kendra. I went in because I heard glass breaking and he was drunk screaming, crying," he stops and looks away for a moment, almost unable to look at her "He seems to still listen to you, so I thought I should call you."

"You did good Mike, don't worry." She smiles softly, it's a small smile barely grazing her lips bit for the moment it seemed to be enough for him.

"I'm sorry to burden you with this too." She waves his concern away.

"It's not a burden, it's," she freezes what exactly can she call this. If she was honest it was a burden, everyone else would call it a burden after all. "I made a promise" she softly drops his hand from hers and walks closer to the door. "Just, don't worry."

She walks in slowly, closing the door behind her, the living room is in disarray, walking inside she sees the glasses next to the window, looking around, there's pillows on the floor, plates, broken under the table, and strikingly the alcohol cabinet is empty. She tears her eyes away from it and walks towards the bedroom, the door is halfway open and she peaks in, the room is in even worse condition than the living room.

She walks in and sees Tom on the bed; his face is buried into the pillow which he's hugging close. She walked to the bed and sat down next to him. She takes her time to study him, he looks peaceful for the first time in a while the lines around his forehead soften. She feels bad to wake him up but she needs to talk to him.

"Tom?" she lightly shakes him, he groans lightly and buries his face deeper in the pillow. "What the hell did happen here?" she wonders looking around.

"Tom!" this time she shakes him harder calling his name again. Tom opens his eyes slowly, rubbing his face. The smile on his face drops as his eyes land on her.

"Kendra? What are you doing here?" Tom sits up on the bed, the pillow falls from his hands pulling the blanker closer to him.

"The question here Tom is what are _you_ doing here?"

* * *

Hannah looks at her phone, she's frustrated, last thing she wanted at this point was to talk to John, he didn't really need to get involved, she didn't want him to but right now, as she can't reach Alex on the phone she can't see another way.

"Forstell!" he sounded calm, slightly whispering, she guesses that he was in the office by now.

"John, I do need help"

"Hannah." She cut him off before he said anything else, she knew that he had things to say first, probably he wanted to ask if Alex was alive but she didn't have a lot of time to chat.

"I can't reach her, she has a weapon, a gun she can protect herself I send you the coordinates, can you get agents there?" there's a sort silence from the other side of the line.

"Let me see" there's another silence, the sound of the keyboard made her flinch; he was typing fast, hitting the keys merciless. "I can have a team there in about an hour maybe less."

"In less John, his plane already landed" she urged him looking around for the car.

"I know Hannah!" she freezes, his voice is cold, she can hear his frustration, she knows, somewhere in the back of her mind she does know that it wasn't frustration with her, more with the situation he was in. "Does she know how to shoot the gun?"

"My rental is here, I'm leaving, please get them there as soon as can." She pleads him, getting in the car, slamming the door behind her.

"Ok." He said, she bites her lip, the words leaving her lips with some difficulty.

"Good luck John"

"Good Luck Hannah." She smiles hanging up the phone and throws the phone on the seat next to her.

* * *

Alex could hear the footsteps coming closer, she knew that the cavity wouldn't conceal her for long. Her heart was beating fast in her ears. She felt something wet on her cheeks and raised her hand wiping the tears away. A soft sad chuckle left her lips her hands shaking reached inside her shirt taking out a white gold locket. It was of the shape of a heart with three small diamonds in the center. Opening the locket the pictures of her family faced her. She couldn't help but smile seeing the smiling face of Tom with their kids, Leo and Penny. She knew that she didn't have a lot of time left, she had to leave, run again. She brought the pictures closer to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the two small pictures.

"I love you" she whispers before hiding the locker under her shirt and getting out of the cavity.

 **A/N: Thank you for reading, please leave a review behind!**

 **And as always,**

 **SNEAK PEEK:**

 _Alex was running, she could hear Damian's footsteps behind her, he was running after her, and it seemed that no matter how fast she was running he was always closely following her._


	10. Chapter 10

Alex was running, she could hear Damian's footsteps behind her, he was running after her, and it seemed that no matter how fast she was running he was always closely following her. She is so preoccupied with outrunning him that she didn't realize there was a short ditch. She lost her footing and went down, she fell on her front barely managing to put her hands in front of her to protect her face. She bit her lip hard to stop the yelp of pain front leaving her mouth. "Fuck" she cursed turning around she sat down and wiped the dust from her hands. "Fuck it all" she curses again, there's a strong pain bringing tears in her eyes from her leg she's sure that she twisted her ankle, the pain tells her as much. The sound of his voice is close enough to make her gasp, she searches around for the gun that she dropped during the fall and grasps it tight.

"Come out come out wherever you are!"

* * *

Kendra waited for Tom to get up and slowly walk to the couch on the opposite side of the bed. His walking was weird; it seemed that he was still a little drunk after all. Kendra wished with all her might that he wouldn't be needed and made a mental note to push Emily to start looking for a VP as soon as possible. Tom might not be ready to trust someone else with the burden but he might need it.

"I'm not doing ok." She's not surprised by this, although the admission from his own lips does take her breath away. She could see how not well he is but she never thought that she would live to see the day where he would admit it himself.

"I can see that." She walks to his side and sits down softly, his hand is looking for hers, the feel of his skin, a little too hot to touch, on hers almost scared her. She can sense there's some kind of battle inside him, something that she doesn't know is making him look increasingly scared of his own shadow.

"I'm seeing her in my sleep; she blames me for what happen." He keeps his head down it's almost as if he's ashamed to look up.

"Alex wouldn't blame you, she loved you so much." Tom chuckles, tears start filling his eyes again, but he bites his lip trying to stop them. Kendra's words spin in his head, he knows what she means, he knows, deep down, that Alex wouldn't blame him, that the shadow that visits him almost every night tormenting him wasn't real but he can't help the guilt and the anger that comes after her visits.

"I know. Deep down I do, but I can't stop the guilt Kendra, the guilt," he stops himself, admitting to her the truth was something that he wasn't sure he was ready for.

"Turns to rage" she states simply, Tom nodes but refuses to raise his head.

"It does." He says burring his face in his hands. "I'm losing myself. I'm not this man and it scares me." His voice was muffled, but Kendra could hear every single of his emotions in his words. "I'm becoming someone I never wanted to be."

* * *

Alex doesn't know how she found herself pinned to the gold ground Damian kicked the gun away from her hands. She could still see it close enough to feel hope, but his hand was holding her wrists tightly above her head. His eyes were wondering she could feel his eyes wondering.

"You thought you could get away from me?" his mouth is so close to her face, it's making her sick she could smell his aftershave, it was making her sicker and sicker and his hand traveling down her torso wasn't helping, she tried to get away from his hands, tried to move her legs but he just griped her arms tighter and used his knees to stop her from moving. "Stop fighting!" he was now lying almost completely on top of her now, Alex bit her lip trying to stop the tears as she felt her wrists bruising, but she wasn't going to let him see her break down.

"You are a brave one aren't you?" she defiantly kept her mouth shut, refusing to even turn her head away, she could see the anger in his eyes growing, she was glad about it, she knew he would kill her in the end but she wasn't going to make it easy for him.

"Talk to me!" it takes everything in her not to cry out when his hand makes contact with her cheek, the inside of her cheek is bleeding from biting the inside of her cheek, her cheek is already feeling on fire and she is sure it won't be long before it starts swelling.

"Fine, I'll talk then." He sits up a bit, enough for her to see his face while he speaks to her, it's still too close for her, and his breath makes her stomach turn. The ground is wet beneath her and her shirt is soaking by now but she still doesn't feel cold, she can guess that it's the adrenaline in her blood that prevents her to feel cold or fear right now.

"You know why I'm here." He smiles, his eyes shining, the craziness in them that makes her blood freeze. "I'll finish the job Alexandra"

"Don't call me that!" she spats angrily. She spits his face which makes him even angrier with her, he slaps her again and Alex can feel her face throbbing. He wipes his face with his sleeve and Alex finds the opportunity to try and get away from him.

"Wow you're feisty how Tom Kirkman did handled you?" she clenches her jaw she knows he's trying to rile her up using Tom's name, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction but her anger was boiling. She was surprised she never had felt like that but the smug smile on his face was driving her mental. "Or better yet satisfy you?" the smile on his face, the sardonic smile broke her.

"Don't you dare talk about him!" she screamed at him.

"Oh don't worry, when I'm done with you I'll send him over sweetheart." The image of Tom's dead body invaded her head, she didn't want to think about it, but he was there, dead, bleeding on the floor. "And don't worry I'll make sure to take my time and take pictures."

She doesn't know where she got the strength but she managed to push him back they fought for a bit, Alex was desperate to get to the gun but she was just a few inches away from it. She was so close to grabbing it but he caught her. he grabbed her hair, Alex yelped, he pulled her back, his hand on her neck, she was trying to pull his hand away but he would only tighten his grip.

"You know what I did to Chuck Russnik, stop fighting or this will be you or better your precious Tom" Alex froze; it was insane, just mentioning Tom's name was enough to make her stop fighting. She realized, finally realized why she spent five months alone in Alaska, why she did everything Hannah told her to, even if she knew better, it was Tom, it was the idea of Tom being hurt, killed. "Good girl!" this was the first time she felt the tears falling from her eyes, he finally removed his hand from her neck and Alex started gasping.

"I will be slow, I'll start by cutting open your skin, nothing deep, but did you know that dirt on an open wound causes pain? They say that it heals but the healing hurts and takes time, by then you'll be dead, so you will only feel the burning pain." The hand that was on her neck moved to her chin, the other hand holding a blade slowly running it down her body. "Then I'll change blades and start cutting nerve points like the shoulders, and then I'll move to your stomach, thigh, arm. You'll be begging me to die by then. I won't kill you thought, oh no. No, I'll take my time, I'll break your fingers slowly one by one, and then move to your toes, and then arms" he moved the blade to her legs, the knife cutting her pants the cold blade touching her skin made her twitch. "Legs" as he slowly ran the blade against her ribs she saw the sadism in his eyes rising. "Ribs"

"Until I finally bash your scull in" he was so invested in tormenting her that he didn't notice that she had moved her legs between his, the gun was close enough she could almost touch it. Taking a deep breath she knees him on the groin as hard as she can. He groans and doubles over, she moves fast and gets the gun her hands are shaking as she points the gun and pulls the trigger. The noise is deafening and she closes her eyes, his lifeless body fell on her, the blood from the two wounds, one on the abdomen and the other on the head, seeping out and staining her clothes further.

He was finally dead, she was able to finally breathe free, she pushed him away from her, for the first time in months finally able to smile.

* * *

Hannah helped Alex up and helped her back in the cabin, the agents had taken over the scene, removing Damian's lifeless body, hiding him under a sheet as if that would erase the damage his mere existence created. Alex was shaking the whole way back, she hadn't spoken a word, her arms tightly wrapped around herself. Hannah looked at the woman walking by her side, she was merely leading her with her hand on her back, not that she needed it apparently, but she couldn't stop looking at her, she was shaken obviously and Hannah couldn't stop but feel guilty over it. If it wasn't for her…

Callie was waiting for them in the cabin, she had brought along another woman, a blonde medium height woman, "Hey Hanns, this is Beatrice, we call her Tris, she's a close friend. A doctor." Alex looked at them both, "What doctor?" she asks; this is the first time she spoke since she pulled the trigger, her own voice sounded weird to her ears. "She's a neurologist and a recently board certificated general surgeon." Alex nodes and walks to the two women "I'm gonna call John" Hannah says. Alex seems to want to say something but she stops herself and just nodes, Hannah is happy, she knows what she's gonna ask, she would ask to call the president but that would be probably the worse idea.

She walks to the back porch and sits down on the wooden swing there's a soft breeze and she closes her eyes she can't believe that it's actually over, Damian is finally dead, she never thought this day would come. She knows she will have to face the music eventually but for now she just wants to breathe free for the first time in months. Hannah dials John's number.

"Hey John it's over, she's safe." She doesn't let him talk but she hears his sign of relieve

"Oh thank god, when you guys are back." She hears his voice; it's almost giddy for the first time in a long time. It's like his voice changed, she had almost forgot how he sounded when he was relieved and happy.

"We're flying tomorrow. She's a bit in shock. I have a friend here from Anchorage she's the doctor that's been taking care of her since the accident."

"You'll be tomorrow in D.C.?" Hannah looks at her watch they are not gonna be in D.C. until at least tomorrow night. She realizes that she needs to get tickets and form a plan for Alex to travel in D.C. without being recognized.

"I'll send the jet." His offer surprises her, that's an option she never thought she had.

"What?"

"She can't fly economy, or even commercial at all, I'll send the jet when you were going to land any way?" he takes her by surprise; these are all thoughts that went through her mind as well. She looks at her phone for a moment checking flights, the soonest they could leave and land was 10 p.m.

"10p.m."

"You'll land at 9 p.m. and without the risk of the president learning his wife is alive from the news." She smiles, he really had thought about everything.

"John"

"No need to thank me, the jet will be there in about 8 to 9 hours."

"Thank you." She says, he doesn't respond but just hanged up the phone. Hannah closed her eyes and leaned back at the swing.

* * *

She was in for a fight, she knew that, Alex wasn't going to be happy having to wait so long to get back to D.C. but she took a deep breath and walked in the room.

"John's sending the jet, we'll leave tomorrow."

"Why wait?" Alex gets up from the couch and walks to her, she seems to be better than before, she stopped shaking but she was still limping. There was a fight coming her way she knew that, no matter how much she wanted to avoid it there was no way out for her anymore.

"Alex it's already late, you're injured and Callie won't let you leave before the morning." She realizes that trying to reason with her was futile, she knew the logical thing was to wait, she wasn't in a condition to travel at them moment, but she's not thinking with her brain right now. She's just letting emotion overtake her, Hannah does what she never thought she would do she just pleads. "Please just wait"

"I want to see Tom! I want to talk to him!" Hannah closes her eyes as if that way she will be able to avoid the image of Alex's broken face, she knows the feeling, she understands that all Alex wants is to tell the truth to the president. Thinking about it though she knows one thing, there's no way Tom Kirkman will hear those news over the phone and, one believe them and two not get on air force one to anchorage immediately.

"Just call him!"

"I know." Hannah whispers, she doesn't really know but she can imagine, she is in a similar situation for months now. Wanting to talk to Chuck, a small voice in her head tells her that at least she could see and talk to him regardless of him answering. "I know but you can't you need to take care of yourself now. Please just rest and let Callie take care of you, we're living as soon as she clears you."

* * *

"Sir Director Forstell is on the line for you." Tom looks up from the papers on his desk and sees Wyatt standing there, the young man looked fidgety, he wonders, did he cause it? Was he so scared looking because of his behavior? He knew he was. It was another avalanche of guilt and pain hitting him, he had changed so much, Kendra was right, he had let this go too far. He smiles softly to the young man who seems even more surprised by this and losses his step a bit.

"Thank you Wyatt" Wyatt nodes and leaves the room, Tom looks at the phone which starts ringing wondering if he can just ignore it, ignore _him._

Taking a deep breath he picks up the phone.

"Director."

"Mr. President, I would like to have a meeting with you sir tonight around 9p.m." Forstell's voice was urgent, he sounded like he wasn't leaving him any space to say no, defiantly though Tom said, "I'll see if I can"

"Make sure you do sir." He tried to be respectful, that's why he added the 'sir' in the end but Tom knew better, this wasn't the voice of someone who is really asking for a meeting, this is someone who demands it. The headache and the general hangover is making him bold.

"What are you talking about Forstell?"

"We need to have the meeting today."Tom is intrigued, although he would do anything to avoid meeting John Forstell, his tone was enough to make him curious, the one think Cornelius told him over and over again, hammering in his brain is that when in office people ask for meetings, no one demands anything. The only one who's of a higher authority than him are the American people. So now having the director of FBI more or less demanding a meeting from him was puzzling him.

"Fine." He slams the phone down, doesn't wait or care about John's answer, what is there to care about, the annoying man is probably throwing a party in his office, having force the president of the united states to take a meeting with him he really didn't want to. The bottle stacked away in his private office is almost calling him, it's tempting but he promised Kendra he wasn't going to drink the day away, not again, today he promised her he was going to be present, he was going back to actually running the country.

* * *

They were at the airport earlier than the airplane but Alex couldn't wait any longer in the cabin. Hannah understood, the quite of the woods was amazing but after almost five months of it she was longing for noise and people. Her blonde hair safely hidden under a dark wig and with a long coat and big sunglasses hiding her true identity she was looking at the people coming and going in the terminal, getting on their flights talking on the phone. Hannah noticed how she was clutching her new phone tightly, she still couldn't call, but the was the last thing on her mind, Chuck had transferred all of her photos and videos from her old device to this new one, pictures of her family were the only refuge she had.

They settled in their seats, Alex sitting in front of her, she was mindlessly starring at her phone. "Got any good pictures of the president in there?" Callie asks, Alex's smile widens further.

"Well a few." Hannah looks at her, her eyes wondering what the mischievous smile was about.

"Show us!" Callie was far too exited but Hannah was thankful for her friend. Alex puts the phone on the table, the face of the president flipping the bird to the camera filling the screen.

"Are those tattoos on his arms?" Hannah asks.

"Hannah are you shitting me? You noticed the tattoos? What about those guns!"

* * *

The drive to the white house was less pleasant than the flight to D.C. Alex threw the wig in the garbage as soon as they entered the plane and refused categorically to put it on again, John was waiting for them on the tarmac in Quantico, "Hey" Hannah smiles, the bruise on his cheek is fading slowly, it looks more yellow around the edges and thankfully his eye isn't swollen shut.

All but Callie get in the same SUV as John driving silently to the white house. Alex was looking at the lights passing them by, she seemed to be uncomfortable and not one person in the car could blame her, she almost died in a car similar to this.

They get to the gate and Alex leans down, a sign of relief leaves all of them as the guard lets them in. Mike is waiting for them as promised in the west wing parking lot. Hannah smiles and gets out, the man wraps his arms around her in a hug that surprises her.

"Hannah!"

"Hey Mike!" she tells him pulling away from him a little, she sees his eyes focusing on Alex just getting up in the backseat of the car.

"Is she?" she puts her hand over his mouth and whispers,

"Shhh. Get in the car." She pushes him inside and gets in after him, Mike is squeezed in the middle of the seat. He studies the woman next to him in shock.

"Mrs. Kirkman?" his voice quivers a bit as he says her name it's like he had forgotten how to say it. Alex smiles and takes one of his hands in hers.

"Hey Mike." Mike uses his free hand to wipe a single tear that escaped his lids. The warmth of her hands on his was all the proof he needed that she was really there, she was real not just a fragment of his imagination.

"How?" he asks, his eyes traveling away from Alex for the first time to John and Hannah.

"When the accident happened, I warned Alex before, she was alive as you know, I had a couple of friends staff the ambulance that was send, we," Hannah got a bit chocked, she didn't know how to describe what she did, but Alex jumped in quite fast.

"They saved me."

"Why not let us know!" Mike turns his head back to Alex. His voice shaking as he outers the words he didn't want to believe but knew to be true. "The president is losing his mind!"

"I know! But Damian was not going to stop until he killed them both, you knew that, I told you that!" Alex looks at Hannah she took control of the conversation once again but her head was stuck in the words Mike said few moments ago, what did he mean by ' _The president is losing his mind'?_ was Tom alright? Was it Tom who wasn't well or the president?

"Tom isn't well?" she asks, Mike kept talking with Hannah, she didn't pay much attention to what they were talking about, it didn't interest her at all after all. "Mike talk to me!" she grips his arm with her hand, her nails digging into his sleeve but he seemed to be preoccupied with his conversation with Hannah.

"Is Damian dead now?" he ask, not really noticing Alex's nails digging into his sleeve.

"Yes"

"MIKE!"Alex's scream made them stop, she had lost her temper, having them all ignore her too preoccupied with their own things not caring to answer her question, was driving her up the wall.

"Mrs. Kirkman." Mike looks almost ashamed; Alex is slowly removing her hand from his arm.

"How is he?" she asks calmly this time.

"He's not well, he's stuck in the anger stage mixed with depression and," Mike's eyes fill with tears again, Alex bites her lower lip, this doesn't sound like Tom, but then again she never really lived a big loss with him, the bigger one during their time together was when she lost her father and then he let her mourn never really breaking down himself. "I don't know" three words so small but just filled with regret and defeat all the way.

"I should have called him Hannah I told you I should!" Alex wasn't mad at Hannah,, she was disappointed in herself not pushing harder, if Tom wasn't well then she should have told him, nothing he would have done could be harder or worse than the condition he is in now.

"He wouldn't answer, he probably wouldn't answer yesterday." Mike looks down, his eyes stuck on his and Alex's hand on her lap, he wasn't sure how and if he should tell her the truth, maybe he wasn't the right person to do that. This was an issue the president, Tom would have to solve with his wife on their own.

"Why?" she uses her free hand to raise his head, her eyes looking straight into his and he found himself unable to lie to her.

"He spent the whole day hammered!" he told her whispering, he was ashamed to admit this to her, he hoped she wouldn't ask any further questions although he knew she would.

"Tom?" her hand falls from his chin and she runs her fingers through her hair "He never drinks more than a glass or two."

"Well that changed."Mike says under his breath, he wasn't silent enough thought because she heard him, her hand gripping his tightened, her face slowly froze into an unreadable expression.

"You have your chitchat later; I need to see Tom, and now!"

* * *

John walked in from the front door while Mike led Hannah and Alex to the rose garden.

"Sir Director Forstell is outside." John gets a glimpse of the president, his glasses low on his nose as he's reading from the papers in front of him, ink from his pen staining his hands as he carelessly took notes.

"Let him in Wyatt, and Wyatt go home and rest." John was as shocked as the kid with the smile on the president's face.

"Thank you sir." John walks in the oval, the kid closing the door behind him, for a moment the president ignores him, still writing down some notes.

"Director, what a not lovely surprise to see your face." John chuckles, his sense of humor is still there, although a little bit darker than it used to be.

"Trust me sir I enjoy it less." The president leaves the pen on his desk, john can't help but notice the rhinestones on the top of it, he was sure this wasn't the president's pen but he chose not to say anything else.

"Does it hurt?"he asks him when he's within arm's length.

"Will it make you feel better if I say yes?" the president shrugs, making John smile sadly, "It hurts like hell." His eyes narrowed, as a small sad smile formed on his lips.

"Good." He walks to the couch and sits down,, he signs to the other man to take a seat with a move of his arm,

"Why are you here?" he asks him as soon as John settles down.

"In the past few months since December 25th to be exact, Agent Wells and I have been deceiving you on a very sensitive matter, two to be exact." John sees the change in the president's expression it's subtle at first.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, his hands curled into firsts.

"Sir, Mrs. Kirkman is alive." He stands up and signs Mike, Hannah and Alex to enter the room, the president loses his step looking shocked at the third person entering the room, her face so familiar and yet he felt like it was a lifetime ago since he saw her.

"Tom!"

"Alex."

 **A/N: Thank you for reading guys please let me know what you think about this chapter. Here's a small sneak peek from chapter 11.**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _"_ _Alex" he says her name again, it's like he can't believe it, which truthfully he can't_

 _"_ _Tom!" she walks closer, a smile forming on her face, he doesn't seem to notice the bruises on her cheek, for a moment he's too mesmerized by her mere existence in the room._

 _"_ _How?"_


	11. Chapter 11

"Alex" he says her name again, it's like he can't believe it, which truthfully he can't

"Tom!" she walks closer, a smile forming on her face, he doesn't seem to notice the bruises on her cheek, for a moment he's too mesmerized by her mere existence in the room.

"How?" he asks, her, Hannah notices that the closer Alex was getting it seemed as if he was walking away from them, "How are you here, who did I bury?"

"A prostitute she looked like the first lady, was killed a night before on Christmas Eve" John took over, Tom's face changed, the star struck look got broken by a sense of betrayal so deep that he felt it within every inch of his body.

"You lied to me?" he asks Alex, she bites her lip again, the split there hurts but she can't stop herself. "YOU ALL LIED TO ME!" his anger shocked Alex she had never seen him like that but everyone else in the room didn't even seem to blink.

"Tom." She tries to take his hand but he pulls away from her, she looks at her hand, still extended in disbelieve.

"NO! ALEX DON'T EVEN TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW." This time his anger was focused on her, and that made her blood run cold.

"Tom please…" she finally manages to get close to him, her hand takes his, he's still wearing his wedding band and she uses the tips of her fingers to trace the slightly cold metal. "Please just let's go next door." She's close enough for him to notice, for the first time, the bruise on her cheek and the split on her lip,

"Alex what happened to your face." He asks her, his free hand rising to her face.

"Next door." She repeats softly, turning to the other three people in the room they looked uncomfortable but she didn't stop to think about them. "Just wait here."

"No, no need," Tom turns to them looking at their faces; he felt the anger slowly subsiding. "Come back tomorrow. Early!" the three of them nodded and left the room, under other circumstances their eagerness to disappear would have been funny to him but right now he doesn't have much time to care. He turns his eyes back to Alex,

"What happened to your face?" he asks her again.

"You should see the other guy." She tries to joke but it falls on deaf ears, "Yeah, not one of my best jokes was it?"

"Why did you lie to me? I thought you were dead, our kids thought you were dead." Tom stops and takes a step back, his hand once again falling from hers, he wonders for a moment why can't he just accept that she's back, but the thought is quickly replaced with an urging question that is stuck in his head. "Why Alex?"

"Tom." She can't stop herself from biting her lip again. "Damian wanted to, not only kill me but you Penny, Leo, he would stop at nothing."

"Damian?" he ask her, Alex wonders why he looks so confused at the mention of Damian's name.

"Yeah, Damian Rennet. You didn't know?"

"No. I knew he was the one trying to frame you but," she smiles sadly; of course Hannah wasn't going to tell him about that either, had he known he would have put the whole FBI on his trail.

"He was the one who tried to kill me too."

"Hannah killed him on Christmas day."

"No." he turns around looking at her even more confused.

"What?" she sits down on the couch, her injured leg was bothering her again.

"Come sit," she pats the space next to her but he seemed to be bolted to the ground. "Tom" he stubbornly crosses his arms over his chest, this made her almost roll her eyes at him but she stopped herself. "She shot him but he was wearing a vest and survived."

"So Hannah thought it would be better if she played us all to weed him out?" the confusion slowly left his face.

"Not exactly. He had a specific plan to get to you, he would kill me and then if he had to the kids." She sees the terror filling his eyes, he never thought that his kids were in danger, everyone kept telling him, that the car accident was just a random tragedy. "I couldn't risk it. I just couldn't." she stops for a moment, looking at her husband, he looked almost like a lost child, so many emotions that his face didn't know which one to convey first. "I wanted to call you but that would only put you in more danger."

"You still should have,"

"I know, but Tom this house doesn't keep any secrets." She reminds him, he rolls his eyes, of course he knew that, but he still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that she lied to him for almost five months.

"It's been almost five months Alex. Almost five months that I thought you had died." "How the hell can I forgive that?" He stops for a moment, he knows what's coming next but he still isn't sure how to say it. "How can we move on from that?"

"I…" she stops, looking down for a moment she realizes what he actually meant. "I don't know Tom." "I honestly don't know." His words scare her a little, she was so eager to come back that she never once stopped to think what she might find upon arrival. "All I do know is that I still love you with my whole heart."

"Alex…"

"I can disappear if you want. Very few people know I'm back. I can get out of your life." She bites back a sob, the mere thought of leaving, again and this time forever was breaking her but she was willing to do it if that's what he wanted. "It won't be a problem."

"NO! No, no, no. Alex no!" he looks as if he got hit by electricity; he almost runs to her side, she's shocked when his hands grip hers tightly.

"What?"

"No, you are not leaving. I don't know how we'll move past it, but I do know that those past 5 months well hell on earth. I can't get through this again, I can't lose you again. We'll find a way, we always do." His lips form a small smile but his eyes still betray his panic. It warms hear heart a little, the thought that he was panicked at the thought of living his life with her just as much as she was.

"Tom." She stands up her arms wrapping around his neck almost by reflex a motion so familiar. He feels him burring his face in her neck and she realizes that he probably didn't shave this morning, she wonders how could she miss it but then again he missed the bruise on her cheek for almost five minutes. They both were overwhelmed.

"Let's go to our bedroom." He suggest his voice muffled by her neck.

"Yeah," she pulls back, her hands still clutching his shirt refusing to let go. "Tom…" she feels one of his hands running circles on her back.

"What?"

"Leo and Penny?" there's a small flicker of pain in his eyes, there's something there but Alex decides not to push further.

"They are in Camp David with your mother and my mother; we'll call them tomorrow to come back." He quickly puts a smile back on, hoping he fouled her. She seems to ignore that his smile is a cover-up but he knows better than that. Her hand is mindlessly running circles in his back and it's making his head spin a little.

"Alright, don't get me wrong I wanna see them but I don't want them to see," her hand shows her bruised cheek, his expression darkens a bit, he had totally forgotten about it. Flashes of anger appeared in his eyes as he laid eyes on the bruise again, it was as if he had managed to ignore it for a while and truth be told he became just too good at that. Ignoring bruises and dried blood seeing her face despite them. He had to.

"About that, what happened?" his hand cups her uninjured cheek, she leans in his touch, her cheek soft and warm against his slightly cold hand.

"I had a fight with Damian, don't worry he got what was coming for him." she opened her eyes and the smirk in them was enough to make him chuckle.

"You kicked his nuts didn't you?"

"Yup." She stands up, his hand fell to his side again, but she quickly takes hold of it. He looks down on their hands and smiles. "And shot him." she adds. It shocks him, three words shock him, his Alex shot someone?

"What?" he asks in disbelief.

"Hannah had given me a gun, for protection. I got to it and," she stops abruptly. The look on his eyes is one she never thought she'll see directed at her. "Don't look at me like that!" frustrated she lets go of his hand and takes a couple steps back, her hands on her waist.

"Like what?"

"Like you're sorry for me!" he's taken back with her explosion, it's apparent that they both changed in those months apart. She hated that they were so different, she hated that she saw the look of pity in his eyes and it was directed at her, and she hated that she couldn't stop herself being angry. She had no right to be angry, he should be angry with her, especially considering that she lied to him for so long making him believe that she was dead. "He was a piece of shit and I don't feel sorry for him at all."

"Alright." He reaches for her hand, his cold skin has suck a calming effect like it always did. He walks closer to her, his free hand wraps around her waist. "Are you still carrying?" he asks with a mischievous smirk on his lips.

"You'll have to find out"

* * *

"You think he'll ever forgive us?" John asks, the three of them were standing in the secretary's office outside the oval, everything that happened in the previous months weighting them down. No one knew why they hadn't left already and yet no one made a move to leave. John was the first to break the silence. Mike just shrugged.

"I don't know." Hannah responds, she gets up from the chair she was sitting in and walks to the door, standing there her hands on the two sides she still wasn't able to take the next step and just leave. "I don't really care John; as long as he forgives her I'm good."

"He will." Mike says, the other two turn to the man standing closer to the window, a big smile on his face, one that no one had seen since Christmas.

"Mike?"

"He'll forgive her, look!" Mike smiles wider and shows them through the window, Tom and Alex were walking to the residence, his arm around her waist, while Alex is clutching the back of his jacket tightly in her hand, they can't hear what they say but the smiles on their faces are enough.

"Someone's getting laid!"

"John!"

"What?" John looks at her confused. Hannah scoffs and turns around.

"You are a pig!" she tells him over her shoulder.

* * *

Tom opens his eyes and for a moment he struggles to go back to the wonderful dream he had where Alex was sleeping by his side. It takes him a moment to register the weight on his arm, or her arm around his waist. Looking down he sees her sleeping peacefully her hair slightly tickling his neck, her skin is warm, he runs his hand up and down her side, he can almost count her ribs and there is also a horrid scar, probably from the accident. It bothers him but he focuses on the tattoo on her lower back, he smiles as he traces the Celtic sign, she never told him what it means, and he doesn't want to know, he just likes how the black ink contrasts with her skin. He remembers the first time he saw it, and to his surprise he still feels the same way looking at it almost eighteen years later. He wonders if she'll still be there in the morning, and he refuses to close his eyes, maybe that way she'll stay a little longer, maybe that way he can make sure that she is there in the morning.

In the end sleeps wins and he can't keep his eyes open for long. He almost yelps when he sees her starring at him in the morning and can't stop himself rolling over her and kissing her until he was out of breath.

* * *

"Alex?" she was starring out the window for a while, not really talking just looking at the world slowly waking up outside.

"Huh?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm here!" she looks down at table, all the food there is making her slightly nauseous.

"Alex." He walks to her kneeling by her chair, his hands instantly taking hers, he notices that her wedding band isn't there, and for a moment he forgets that both the band and her ring are in a box in his bedside table mangled beyond repair.

"What if they hate me Tom? How to explain this? I… I lied to them."

"Alex!" he grips her hands a little tighter, and she looks down to him, there's a smile on his lips, it's slightly confusing but Alex welcomes it.

"They'll be happy to see you. Sure Leo might be a bit mad, and Penny might be a bit confused but at the end of the day they'll be happy." She wants to believe him, she really does but finds herself unable to.

"How can you know?"

"I do" he stands up and softly kisses her before walking back to his chair. "I was, but in the end I'm happy you're here, I'm happy the past five months were just, a nightmare." He looks at him as he takes the cup of coffee in his hand; he looks at her briefly over the rim before taking a sip.

"You are an incredible sweet talker Tom."

"One of my many virtues I assure you." They finish the rest of their breakfast in silence. Alex manages to get some food in her stomach, but she is still incredibly worried.

"I have to go to the office." Tom takes his battered briefcase from the sofa, Alex walks him to the door, she can't remember the last time she did this. "What you say we have lunch, together the four of us today."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah weather is good; we can eat at the patio at the oval."

"I'd love that." She says smiling, he leans and kisses her one last time.

"Good, see you then."

"Tom" she stops him before he walks out the door. He stops with his hand on the door knob.

"Yeah,"

"What about when the kids come? You'll be there right?"

"Alex," she sees him biting his lip, she realizes what that the pain she detected last night meant. "Maybe it's better if it's just you."

"Tom?" he looks up and she takes a deep breath, her hands at her waist. "You and Leo had a fight didn't you?" he chuckles and hangs his head low.

"I forgot how good you were at this."

"Reading you?" he looks up a sad smirk on his lips. "Please I have a PhD on it." Both of them stood there silent for a while. "Do I need to give Leo a lecture again?"

"No, this one was on me." He smiles sadly and tries to leave but Alex, almost stubbornly, refuses to let go of his hand.

"He's eighteen Tom we might have to start preemptive strikes."

"Just say the word and I'll give you the launch codes." He smirks seeing her roll her eyes the smirk on her lips grew into a full smile.

"A working mother with nuclear weapons what could possibly go wrong?" they look at their hands staying silent for a while.

"I'll meet them alone, but you and Leo have to talk after lunch deal?" he smiles and nodes, he knows he has to face Leo eventually, they need to talk about what happened before he left for camp David but he wasn't sure he was ready yet.

"Deal."

* * *

He walked to the residence, he had a spring in his steps and a smile on his face, many people in his way stopped and looked at him, he could see their shock it amused him a lot, they didn't know what had caused it but they would. Wyatt almost fell off his chair when he told him good morning.

"Hey guys." His staff was waiting for him in the oval, they all stood up when he walked in, "Please take a seat." They look at each other in shock which only makes Tom smile even more. "Last night I learned some amazing news." He leaves his briefcase on the desk and turns facing his staff.

"Alex is alive." They all look around shocked, Kendra slowly sits down,

"What?" she whispers.

"She survived the crash, Hannah knew what was going to happen and helped Alex escape, I don't know the full details but I will inform you as soon as I do." They all nodded small smiles slowly forming on their lips, as they kept looking around in shock.

"Seth I need you to start drafting a statement explaining the situation, make sure you point and emphasize that Alex's life and out family's life were in serious danger and that's what led to this decision." Seth's smile grew and he nodded.

"Do you want me to add that you knew sir?" Tom bites his lip, looking away for a moment, should he tell them that he knew? This would be a lie but he was still not sure if he should do it.

"No, we lied to the American people enough; tell the truth, that it was the FBI's best judgment to move ahead with this plan. Let's keep Hannah's name out of this for now." The last part came out completely surprisingly, he wasn't planning on keeping Hannah out of it but he also wasn't going to walk back on what he told Seth.

"Will do sir."

"Thank you Seth." The young man smiled and started writing the statement in his phone.

"Kendra, Alex was telling me last night about some legal ramifications, about some certificates, could you handle that? Her social security number needs to be reinstated, or does she need a new one. Just handle that if it's possible." He smiles softly to Kendra, who was smiling widely, ignoring the couple of tears that were rolling down her face.

"Gladly, I might need some time with the first lady for some signatures though."

"Yes of course. I think after lunch she might have some time. I'll tell her to make some time."

"Thank you sir."

"Thank you Kendra." He smiles, his cheek start hurting a bit now, he wasn't used to smiling that much in the last months. Turning around he walks to his desk and picks up his daily schedule.

"Now, what's next?"

* * *

Closing the door behind them all five of them breathed out in relieve. Emily ran her hand over her face breathing slowly a few times to calm down.

"I swear I forgot what his smile looked like." She murmurs.

"Me too." Kendra finally manages to talk, the whole experience is surreal, she feels like throwing up all the emotions wrecking havoc in her body.

"Kendra can you believe this?" Emily laughs, tears escaping her eyes, Lyor places a hand on her shoulder.

"No."

"Ok, tonight drinks are on me!" she says as soon as she managed to gather herself together.

"Wow Em, really?"

"Yes Aaron really! Call Hannah too, and tell her to bring Forstell too, I'll ask Mike later, this deserves a celebration."

"You are godsend Emily Rhodes." Seth says, he grips Kendra's hand tightly, trying to let her know that she was there, that she was always there for her.

"No just exhausted Seth, I am just exhausted." She places a hand on Seth's shoulder for a moment and starts walking to her office, "Get back to work everyone." She tells them over her shoulder before she disappeared around the corner. Seth and Kendra start walking to his office,

"That's one crisis I'll face with a smile the whole time." He tells her smiling. Kendra chuckles and gives his hand one last squeeze.

"I'll be watching then." She whispers, looking up and down the corridor she places a small kiss on his cheek and leaves for her office.

* * *

"Mommy!" Alex is startled by Penny's voice, she turns around just in time to catch the little girl in her arms.

"Penny!" she gasps her name burying her face in her daughter's hair for a moment. She can't remember the last time she felt like that, but it probably was the night Tom was sworn in "Oh my god baby I missed you so much!"

"Mom!" she raises her head, Leo was standing by the door, frozen as if he wasn't sure what to do.

"Leo" she sees him breaking, a tear escaping his eyes before he almost run to her, kneeling down wrapping his arms around both her and Penny. "My babies, I missed you, I missed you, I missed you." She kept saying while kissing both of them multiple times.

"You both grew so much! How's it going with school? Leo did you settle on any universities? Or your major?" she says pulling back, Leo stands up and helps her up, Penny still gripping her tightly, Alex moves her hands and carries Penny to the couch.

"I'll be going to law school, like you." Leo says as soon as she sat down next to him. She laughs thinking of Tom putting hearing the news.

"You father must be furious." She tells him.

"Yeah, whatever." Leo rolls his eyes and looks away.

"Leo!" Alex turns and sees her mother standing there, a disapproving look on her face, her hands on her waist.

"Mom." Alex raises a hand trying to tell her that she can handle it. "We'll talk about that alright Leo?" Leo rolls his eyes again looking away but Alex wasn't going to let it go, she grips his hand and tries to get his attention again "Leo?"

"Yes mom." He raises his head and looks at her she nodes to her mother. "Sorry grandma."

"You are forgiven."

"Why don't you go leave your stuff in your rooms huh?" she tells them, she can feel her mother and mother in law looking at them.

"Ok mommy!" Penny says, the girl gives her another kiss and gets off her lap. Alex waits until both Leo and Penny were out of the room. As soon as the door closed behind them Alex turned to the two women standing behind her.

"Mom," her mother wrapped her arms around her tightly, she could see her mother in law standing behind them, tears in her eyes. She pulls back and moves to her, "Oh Penelope, I'm so glad to see you. Thank you for helping Tom." she can feel Penelope nodding pulling back from her arms she looks both women stranding there, "It couldn't have been easy."

"It wasn't but, you're here now." Penelope said a big smile on her lips.

"Yes, and I'm not going anywhere if I can help it."

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter and please let me know what you think!**

 **Sneak Peek**

 _Hannah was sitting in John's office; she never had noticed how large the offices of the higher ups were, she was half lying on the couch across from John's office, he was reading some reports, his eyes often stealing glimpses to the clock on the side of his desk…_


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Hannah was sitting in John's office; she never had noticed how large the offices of the higher ups were, she was half lying on the couch across from John's office, he was reading some reports, his eyes often stealing glimpses to the clock on the side of his desk, he leaves the pen on his desk, she can see him running his hand over his face.

"Hannah, before we leave for the white house, I need to ask you something."

"I'm not sleeping with you." She doesn't look up from her paper, John chuckled and she looks up seeing the small smile on his face.

"No, not that." He whispers making her smile .

"Sure go on"

"I want you to be my deputy director." She looks at him shocked, she's not sure she understands what he just asked of her.

"Jason's job?"

"Yeah, I couldn't think of a better person to have it." She smiles, slowly, as if she's scared that this is all a dream and she'll wake up.

"Yes." The smirk on his lips grew into a smile.

"Great, Deputy Director Wells."

* * *

Tom walks to the door opening it, John and Hannah were standing there waiting for him, he sees Hannah's eyes widen, John just took a couple steps back.

"Hannah, John, come in" they look at each other in shock, he can't help but chuckle. "I'm not on drugs." They slowly walked in the oval, still shocked with the changing in his mood, everyone who interacted with him today seemed to be as well.

"Take a seat. Do you have the report, of what happened?" John reaches inside his briefcase and takes out a thick file slowly giving it to him.

"Yes sir, the whole report is here." He takes the file in his hands, looking at the folder, his hands are itching to open it but he doesn't leaving the folder on the table next to him.

"Thank you John, you know, both of you, there will be backlash from what you did." He takes a couple deep breaths if he's being honest there will be backlash against all of them. "You will have the full support of this white house though."

"Thank you sir." John closes his briefcase, the three of them just sat there for a couple minutes, not really talking to one another.

"Ok, I need to talk to Hannah for a moment, excuse us." John nodes and leaves the room faster than Tom probably ever saw him do. As soon as the door closed behind him Tom turned to Hannah, she was still sitting on the couch looking at the floor. This was the last time the two of them were alone since he was waitng for her in her office and fired her.

"Hannah, I owe you an apology for the way I acted five days ago. You didn't deserve that." She looks up, smirking at him.

"We're fine sir, I might not but I wasn't innocent, no need to apologize, it should be me apologizing for deceiving you, for bringing Damian into your lives, you might have been angry but weren't wrong."

"Still I was out of line. Your job is here if you want it." The smile fell from her lips, she looks at the floor again and he hears her take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry but," she bites her lip; "I already accepted a promotion," she pauses he looks confused, "in the agency."

"A promotion?" Tom asks, he's slightly confused, but even though he won't admit it also relieved.

"I'm the new deputy director of the FBI." He forces a smile on his face and extends his hand to her.

"Congratulations are in order then." She shakes his hand, the smile back on her face again.

"Thank you sir, you can always count on me for help if you need it though." There's a stinging feeling to his heart. He can't pinpoint why exactly but he really isn't comfortable with the thought of asking Hannah for help.

"Thank you Hannah, I'll keep it in mind."

* * *

Tom leads Hannah to the door, letting her out, John was sitting on the chair in front of Wyatt's desk, he stood up nervously when he saw them coming out of the oval.

"John, can I have a moment with you please?" Tom sees him straightening his back.

"Of course sir," he turns to Hannah who was standing next to him. "I'll meet you in the car." The two men walked in the oval, Tom closed the door behind them and turned to John who was standing by the coach, he was nervously playing with his watch.

"No need to sit I'll be brief" Tom walks to his office, John's eyes following him the entire time. "I know and I understand why you might have lied to me for all this time, and I am glad you saved Alex's life, but I would like to ask you to let Hannah conduct the briefings to the white house, for some time." He sits down looking at a picture on his desk take from the last Halloween Party. "Until the tensions calm." John bites his lip, he looks around uncomfortable although his voice betrayed just how relieved he was.

"Of course sir. That would be no problem."

"Thank you John."

"Thank you sir."

* * *

Tom soon grew tired of all the shocked looks coming his way every time he said 'hello' to anyone and withdrew into his private office, his good mood soon all but disappeared. He felt a headache starting and he closed the briefing in front of him, leaning back on his chair, his eyes tightly closed he took off his glasses and threw them carelessly on the desk.

"Hey," he is startled when the door opened and he barely caught himself not to yell at whoever dared to bother him. he opens his eyes and sees Alex standing there, she's smiling at him and he can't but smile back as well.

"Hey," she steps aside and Penny runs in the room, "Little pea!" he barely manages to catch her before she jumped on him.

"Daddy!"

"I missed you so much." He bites his lip trying as hard as he can not to tear up, in his pain and anger he had totally forgotten how good his daughters hugs felt, how a small child could make him feel like on top of the world.

"I missed you too daddy." He pulls back, Leo is standing behind Alex, he didn't acknowledge him just his looking at his phone, he'll never admit it but it hurts him a lot.

"Let's go outside, lunch is ready." Penny smiles widely grabbing his hand tightly and almost leads him outside. They settle down, the food is waiting for them, no doubt just served, an awkward silence falls around them, the sound of forks and knives cluttering against the porcelain filled the space around them.

Alex looked around, she could tell that something was seriously wrong with Tom and Leo but she also knew that both were too stubborn to go first.

"So Leo why don't you tell us which schools you have chosen." She asked, Leo looked up from his plate for a while, he seemed uncertain for a moment but left the fork down.

"Yale, Georgetown, Harvard, Stanford, NYU and Berkley. They are the best law schools in the country." She sees Tom's interest is peaked.

"Those are great schools Leo; you know Cornell has an amazing law school too. Slightly better than Georgetown actually." He mentions, Alex smirks, she knows she almost won this round, if she got them talking then half of her job is done.

"It was in the top ten but I had to cross some out, Notre Dame was there too, George Washington and Columbia." Leo returned to his plate, Tom sat back, she saw him looking down, taking a deep breath she realizes that this might be more difficult than she originally had planned.

"I agree with your father on that, you shouldn't eliminate Cornell, or Notre Dame or GW or Columbia. You should apply to all." She joins in, Leo looks up, smiling at her.

"You think mom?"

"Yeah, University of Chicago is amazing too and Universities of Pennsylvania and Virginia as well." She looks at Tom his eyes follow their talk but he's not going to join in.

"I'm not so sure of Notre Dame it's a catholic school and," he stops for a moment looking down, "Well I'm not." Alex smiles nodding.

"You are right, other than Notre Dame then." She's almost fed up with Tom's silence, so she decides to force him into the conversation. "What do you think Tom?"

"I still like Cornell better." He says under his breath while eating, she can see him almost pouting. That makes Penny giggle and to her surprise even Leo smirks at it.

"Objectively Tom."

"I am objective." Leo is biting his lip to stop himself from laughing, she knew that Tom is acting like a child and thankfully that was still something that made their kids laugh at him.

"Tom!" she insists.

"Fine, Yale, Harvard and Stanford are the top schools in the country with median GPA of 3.9, 3.88 and 3.87 and with median LSAT of 173 for Yale and Harvard and 171 for Stanford; they're great schools, objectively, but you'll need to study a lot to get into those. I think you have the brain to do it." Alex and Leo were taken back by Tom's rant, he stopped and looked around the table. "I agree with you mother, you need to apply to all schools you like, and see where you get accepted. Notre Dame is an example of a school with Median GPA of 3.6 which bred Presidents, one of the most successful one of our times might I add." Leo nodes, "So yeah, those schools are great, you shouldn't focus only on them, it's not the end of the world if you don't get into one of those." There's another awkward silence falling over them for a minute or two before Tom talking again.

"Although there's no reason for you not to." Alex sees Leo smiling and nodding, and smiles too, her boys might be very book smart but they are at the same time the most idiotic people she has ever met.

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Tom stormed into PEOC, he was furious and he didn't even know what had happened.

"A plane full with American soldiers and other military personnel has crashed after getting hit by a missile on takeoff from Aleppo International Airport." Aaron told him. the young man took a step back allowing him to walk closer to the large screens on the other side of them room.

"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?" he yelled, Aaron was the closes to him and he could see a vain on his temple pulsing, he was furious and it almost scared him.

"Sir, the missiles were," General Chernow looks around, it's like if the six foot two man is looking for help but the rest of the generals in the room have grown silent "There's a high possibility that those missiles came from the President himself." Tom straightens his back, his face grows cold.

"He wants war? I'll give him war!"

"Sir?" Aaron asks, Tom ignores him and looks at General Chernow who right now looks around unsure of what he had just heard.

"General, I need a plan to destroy their supply of missiles immediately." Everyone in the room froze, they all knew what he was suggesting was a suicide mission.

"Sir, there is another plan, we have formulated, what you are suggesting is suicide it will drag us into another war." Aaron tries to reason with him, he hopes that he'll understand.

"THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED WHEN THEY SHOT OUR MEN AND WOMEN DOWN!" The president's explosion scares him, he takes a couple steps back, moving away from the raging man. "Stop giving me bullshit excuses AND DO IT!" he says to the general before storming out of the room. General Chernow walks closer to him, he leans closer.

"Aaron, you know we can't move forward with this attack." He says, Aaron looks at the older man and nods he knows that as well.

"I know, give me some time, formulate the plan he asked you just in case, and I will bring him to his senses." The general nodes,

"Please do, this is a war we won't win." He tells him before walking away.

 **A/N: Tom's happiness wasn't going to last long, I'm sorry but seriously people we have another 10 chapters to go!**

 **Sneak peak…**

 _Tom wakes up, there's a chill going down his spine, the room is cold. He looks next to him, Alex seemed to be sleeping peacefully covered with the thin blanket. He looks on the other side, he almost yelps when he sees her standing there. "What are you doing here again?" he asks, but she doesn't respond…_


	13. Chapter 13

_Tom wakes up, there's a chill going down his spine, the room is cold. He looks next to him, Alex seemed to be sleeping peacefully covered with the thin blanket. He looks on the other side, he almost yelps when he sees her standing there. "What are you doing here again?" he asks, but she doesn't respond, "Why are you here?" he tries again, the old familiar sick smile appears on her lips again._

 _"_ _You honestly thought that she came back because she loves you so much?" he looks at Alex, thankful that she's still sleeping peacefully, "You poor foul!" she says chuckling. The sound is making him sick; he hates it to his core._

 _"_ _Why not, she loves me," he tells her, he found himself much more willing to fight her while Alex's warm body is sleeping next to him._

 _"_ _She loves the title more. She loves the white house more." She walks closer to the bed and Tom tries to shield Alex from her sight, "Foul, she'll leave you again as soon as she finds something better." She leans over him, her breath is on his face, Tom closes his eyes trying to calm his breathing down._

 _"_ _Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" he yells trying to push her away from him but she, once again, is gone._

* * *

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Alex walks up to Tom yelling in his sleep, he is twitching and turning, as if he's trying to get away from something,

"Tom?" she says his name softly, her hand on his shoulder, but he doesn't respond, instead he just tries to get away from her hand. "Tom!" this time she says his name louder and tries to shake him awake, he opens his eyes and gasps. His eyes hazy with sleep try to find her and she can see his face relaxing as soon as he does.

"Alex!" she takes her hand away from his shoulder and takes hold of his hand.

"Did you have a nightmare?" she asks him.

"It was nothing." He tries to shake the image from his head, but he can still see her bloody face.

"Wanna talk about it?" he shakes his head, getting out of the bed, her hand falls on the mattress.

"No, it was nothing. Go back to sleep I'll," he's almost out the door, when he stops for a moment, as if he's unsure of what he wanted to say. "I need a glass of water."

"Alright." She sees him opening the door, she doesn't know why but she wants to stop him. "Tom." He freezes on the doorstep and slowly turns around, "I love you." She tells him, he gives her a sad smile,

"Love you too." He responds and closes the door behind him softly.

* * *

Tom sat in the kitchen for hours, the sun was almost up when he decided to go back in the bedroom, he didn't know what to say to Alex, he hoped she would be asleep long enough for him to get ready and slid out of the residence. When he opens the door to the bedroom she's still sleeping hugging his pillow, he feels guilty leaving her alone, bolting like he did last night but he knew that if he had stayed the nightmares would not stop. He's able to finish getting ready before she wakes up and sneaks down to his office with no problem, he'll have to make up to Alex and the kids for this but for now he's glad to be in the safe space of his office, looking at his calendar he groans, today was the state visit of the French president, he can't believe he had forgotten that, his day had just gotten worse.

* * *

Tom looks at his watch once again, they have at least another hour before they have to be downstairs to welcome the French president but he's nervous that they are going to be late. He gets up from the couch and starts pacing up and down the room.

"Come on Alex!" he calls her again, his frustration clear in his voice.

"I'm ready!" she comes out of the wardrobe, her heels are hitting the wood floor, her light blue dress was hugging her figure nicely, but he was too frustrated to notice and he just turned around and left.

"For crying out loud we'll be late on our own house!" he says frustrated. Alex walked to him and grabbed his arm.

"Will you please relax?" she tells him, Tom scoffs and tries to turn away. "Tom!" she grips his arm tighter, "The kids can hear you, relax." She tells him through her teeth.

"Alright." He responds, his voice slightly calmer, still she could sense the storm brewing under his skin.

"Alright." They walk out of the room, Leo was waiting for them in the living room, he smiled widely when he saw her.

"Wow, mom you look great!" he came over and gave her a hug, carefully not to wrinkle or stain her dress.

"Thank you darling." Tom walked out of the living room going to Penny's bedroom he was nervous, his hands shaking when he opened and closed the door.

"What's his problem?" Leo asks, his face changing, the smile instantly turning to a cold scowl.

"His name is dad and I would appreciate it if you called him that." Alex says, Leo rolled his eyes and turned around to return to his room.

"Whatever." He murmured under his breath.

"Leo!"

"Fine, what's dad's problem?" he asks again, his hands in his pockets, fidgeting from leg to leg.

"He's nervous this is our first state dinner, we're all bit out of our comfort zone." She fixes her shawl and gloves.

"I still didn't like the way he talked to you." She smiles and gives another hug to her son who was still scoffing.

"Oh honey, don't worry, it's fine halfway through the dinner when everything is going great he'll start apologizing until probably the next state dinner." Tom reappears in the living room, Penny following him closely behind,

"Are you coming Alex?" she asks impatiently.

"Just a moment, both of you, you better be in bed before bedtime." She warns them both, Leo nods, Penny runs to her the little girl less careful with her clothes and hair when hugging her.

"Mommy you look like amazing!"

"Thank you darling." She kisses her little girl; Tom impatiently leaves the room, "Good night!" she tells both and follows Tom out of the room. He was close to the top of the grand staircase when she caught up with him. Alex grabbed his hand stopping him dead on his feet.

"Tom, what's your problem tonight?" he turns his head, but the grip on his hand didn't let him walk away. "It's my first state dinner too and I am not acting like that." He tries to avoid her eyes looking at the red carpet under his feet.

"We're gonna be late." He murmurs. Alex smiles and uses her free hand to raise his chin, their eyes met and she could see the anger and frustration subsiding and embarrassment over his behavior setting in.

"We are the hosts Tom, we're never late the others are early remember?" he nodes and Alex lets go of his arm, Tom reaches for Alex's hand, it's like he's trying to anchor himself to the world and the reality around him.

"Honey, relax, everything is perfect, you know President Massett and she even likes you!"

"You planned everything right?" Alex smiles, a wide warm smile on her face makes Tom feel everything was falling into place, he didn't know what was going on with him, maybe last night's dream shook him harder than he was even willing to admit.

"Down to the slightest detail." She reassures him once more.

"We're gonna be ok?" he asks, he looks like a lost child for a moment, Alex doesn't know how to deal with that, it's not normal of Tom to look so overwhelmed these days, maybe in the first months of the administration he was but he had finally settled into his role.

"If you get it together." He finally manages to offer her a smile; he lowered his head again and nodded.

"Sorry I was a bit,"

"Of an asshole?" that makes him laugh, it makes her feel slightly lighter, he was a brewing volcano the whole day and she hoped that this would be the end of it.

"Yeah."

"You were." He offers her his arm which she takes and they get ready to walk down the stairs. "I forgive you." He looks at her, for the first time he notices how beautiful she looks, her dark blonde hair tucked neatly in a bun on the nape of her neck a few soft curls framing her face, her silver shawl almost shined on the light of the chandeliers. He wonders how he could not notice how gorgeous she looked tonight.

"Leo and Penny were right, you do look great." He tells her when they start walking down the stairs. Her face split in a huge smile and stops him from taking another step, her gloved hand cups his cheek and she leans in giving him a kiss.

"Oh Tom." She whispers against his lips.

* * *

The dinner went along just as perfectly as Alex had planned, and by the end of the night Tom was in a much better mood than he was when they left the residence, she was surprised to even hear him sing under his breath in the shower. She was though slightly disappointed when she woke up the next morning to find his side of the bed already cold.

She got ready, and headed for her office in the east wing as soon as Penny and Leo left for school. She looked at all the papers on her desk wondering what could be so important to need so many paperwork, she was sure that her chief of staff told her that her work was going to calm down after the end of the state visit but the amount of paper work on her desk was telling her another story. She drops her briefcase on the floor and walks to the window overlooking the Jackie Kennedy garden, it's a wonderful day outside, after a week of rain and winds she is glad for the sunlight and warm breeze.

It was that long after when she heard a knock on the door, and Kendra poked her head in. Alex tells her to come in, Kendra walks in and leaves her folder on Alex's already overloaded desk, "Kendra! How are you I barely saw you last night!"

"I am great ma'am," Alex gives her a look which makes Kendra to look down on her hands. "Alex." Alex smiles and nodes in satisfaction. "I'm really great!"

"I saw you and Seth last night." Alex leans back on her chair, Kendra can't help but notice how similar her posture is to the presidents or ignore the fact that her chair is extremely similar to the one the president has in his private office in the west wing. "Are you two together?" Kendra's eyes widened her eyebrows almost hiding under her hair.

"Oh come on Kendra!"

"Yes." She says there's a small smile on her lips while she sneaks looks up to the other woman in the room who was now smiling widely. "Last night." She adds, Alex throws her head back in laughter.

"Your first date was at a state dinner, your boss' first state dinner which means that he was nothing more than a ball of nerves?"

"Yeah, that was fun." The two women laughed for a while just enjoying how light hearted that moment just felt. "He dealt with it fine though."

"Yeah, I mean after I had to remind him for the tenth time to stop being an asshole." Alex states, she looks out of the window for a moment trying to ignore the bubbling feeling that something isn't right in her gut.

"That must have been fun!"

"Yeah, but that's not why you came here is it?" Alex turns back to the younger woman sitting across from her.

"No I came here to get you this," she pushes the folder to Alex, who opens it and takes the papers in her hands.

"My social security card and a marriage certificate?" Alex says showing Kendra her social security card.

"Yeah, we had to issue new ones, or more likely reissue the old ones" Alex places the papers back in the folder and places them on the top drawer of her desk.

"Thank you so much Kendra."

* * *

Alex left her office just in time to meet Penny and Leo at the door, they just came back from school, Penny was extremely happy having scored a perfect A on her test and she couldn't stop talking about going upstairs, Leo on the other hand was extremely silent. The three of them had lunch, with just Penny talking about her test again and again. After the plates were taken away Leo lingered in the room looking nervously on the floor.

"Hey mom"

"Leo, is there anything wrong honey?"

"I am seeing this girl here and a few months," Alex smiles at her son's nervousness, this was another trait got from Tom.

"And?" she crosses her hands over her chest, smiling mischievously at Leo's uncomfortable stance.

"I'd like to invite her here, at home," he stops for a moment looking at the floor again. "Maybe give her a tour of the place?"

"You should," Leo smiles and turns around ready to leave, Alex smiles she calls Leo, this was a perfect opportunity to hopefully make her boys patch things up.

"Leo."

"Yeah?"

"Ask your dad to let you give her a tour of the west wing too, it's gonna be interesting."

"Mom" he looks up, breathing heavily for a while, she can sense that he doesn't like the mere idea. "I don't want to."

"Honey, he's your dad he'd like to help you."

* * *

"Sir I strongly believe we shouldn't go through with this plan, it's dangerous to our national security, PEGASUS allows us the ability to destroy a large amount of their missiles that are still in the airfield not to mention that by bombing the airstrip will render all their airplanes unable to take off for at least a couple months." Aaron takes a couple deep breaths, this was his last chance to convince the president not to start a potential world war 3. The president looked at the two folders on his desk, his eyes moving from one side to the other as he studied both plans carefully.

"You think we'll be dragged into a war with HERCULES?" he asks, Aaron nodes his head even before the president finishes his sentence.

"Yes sir, and so do all the generals." The president closed both folders and took off his glasses, he ran his hand over his face, leaning back on his chair.

"Ok," Aaron tries hard to hide the smile that was forming on his lips. The president stood up and started walking to PEOC Aaron following him closely behind.

Everyone in the room stood up as soon as they walked in, the chairman of the joint chiefs looked at both of them Aaron nodding slightly to him.

"Sir."

"General move forward with operation PEGASUS."

"Yes sir!"

* * *

Tom was uneasy since authorizing the attack on the Syrian air force base. He was trying to delay going back to the residence as the day was going by he felt worse for how he behaved to Alex and the kids last night, he knew that hiding out in his office wasn't helping but he was hoping that he could find a way to make it up to them. Leo pokes his head in, he seemed to be just as uncomfortable being there as Tom was to be found alone with his son after their last fight.

"Leo?"

"Hey, I want to ask a favor." Tom closes the folders on his desk and walks to the other side of the desk.

"Tell me."

"There's a friend and I would like to invite her over, could I give her a tour of the place?" he says, Tom is curious, he sees Leo's behavior, he was nervous, for some reason that made him really curious.

"What's her name?" He sees Leo's face changing for a second, biting his lip.

"Umm, Jamie"

"Doesn't this Jamie have a last name?"

"Forstell."

"Forstell?" Tom wasn't sure that he heard right, he could believe that his own son was dating John Forstell's daughter, he knew that his youngest daughter was attending the same school as Leo but he was surprised to hear that the two of them were close, especially since Leo seemed to hate and blame John Forstell the weeks after the car accident.

"Yeah."

"Director Forstell's daughter?"

"Yeah can I?" he asks, he seemed to have run out of patience with his questions, but Tom wasn't sure he could just let it go.

"You're dating John Forstell's daughter?" he asks again, Leo rolls his eyes.

"We're friends."

"I do not approve of that." Leo rolled his eyes again and turned to leave.

"Fine" he murmurs under his breath, already on his way out of the room.

"Where are you going?"he asks, he knows he's pushing for another fight but his irrational brain just can't stop.

"Upstairs to call Jamie."

"Didn't you hear what I said to you?" he turns around, chuckling at him, a shocked and surprised smile on his frozen on his face, soon falls and his son's face turns to ice.

"You really meant that I need to stop hanging out with Jamie because you don't like her father?" he raises his hand before Tom has a chance to respond. "No need, I'm not gonna do that." He says and storms out of the room slamming the door behind him.

"Leo!" Tom was left once more yelling his son's name while he was just leaving as far away from him as he could.

* * *

After his fight with Leo Tom grew restless he started pacing up and down the office his brain unable to stop reminding him all the ways he fucked up just today. He catches a glimpse of a file Kendra dropped on his desk earlier, there were some documents that needed his signature, looking at the clock he knows that Wyatt is probably on his way out so he decides to just drop them off at her office himself. He reaches her office and stops outside her door; he's ready to knock when he heard the laughter coming from the other side of the door. He's getting curious and tries to hear what was happening in the room. He is surprised to hear Seth's voice and he opens the door without knocking, coming face to face with Kendra and Seth kissing on the couch, her hands were in his hair, while his were softly running up and down her back and cupping her cheek.

"What's going on here?" he asks, the couple was startled and got away from each other, he could see Kendra turning bright red as soon as she noticed him in the room.

"Sir!"

"We can explain." Kendra says raising her hands trying to stop Seth from going farther.

"I don't need an explanation I saw what I saw!" Tom yells, the tone of his voice scared Kendra who gasped and took a few steps back, Seth on the other hand took a couple steps forward using his body almost as a shield to Kendra. "How dare you play grab ass in office?"

"Sir!" Seth can't stop himself this time, he yells back to Tom who seems to be out of his mind. The president raises a hand.

"Stop! You are both suspended for a week; get the hell out of my face!" he turns around and slams the door behind him; Kendra falls on the couch behind him and buries her face in her palms.

* * *

Emily leaned back to her chair closing her eyes trying to relax after the day she had when the door of her office flew open and a furious looking Tom Kirkman stormed in the room.

"Sir, I thought you were in the residence" she tells him trying to put on another fake smile like the ones she is used using around him in the last few months.

"Apparently many of my staff think I'm gone. Did you knew that Seth and Kendra are dating?" he asks her, his hands in his pockets, his face stone cold, it's an image that still startles her to her core.

"Yes sir, they disclosed it to me and to HR, there's no rule against it as long as it doesn't affect their work performance." Something changes in his eyes, there's something malicious there, something she didn't think he had it in him in all the years she knew him.

"I think them making out in Kendra's office is 'affecting their work performance' isn't it?"

"It's after hours sir, unless this happen earlier in the day. I can't punish them for something they did in private and after hours, even if it was on the grounds, I'm sorry but it's not my job to police what the staff is doing when they are alone." He turns around and is almost at the door when he turns around, his expression scares her to her core.

"Then you can join them for a week, you are suspended for a week too, settle your affairs and get out."

* * *

Emily spend an hour in her office trying to wrap her mind around what had just happened, she was trying tooth and nail not to cry as she packed some files from her desk that she might need and took off to Lyor's office, her friend was packing some of his things too when she walked in his office.

"Hey Emily"

"Hey."

"You ok?" he asks as soon as he realizes how horrible she looks.

"Yeah, Lyor I want you to take over for a week." He looks at her confused.

"Why?" Emily took a deep breath and looked at the floor before responding.

"The president suspended me."

"What? Why?"he asks her shocked, Lyor walks to her and takes her hand in his.

"I kinda missed something, don't worry, just run the ship for a week will you?" he smiles sweetly, probably the first time she has seen him smiling like that.

"Yeah, you go get some rest alright?"

"Will do."

 **A/N: Next chapter will be set a week after during which Tom's behavior becomes more and more erratic.**

 **Sneak Peak:**

 _A week has passed since Tom found Seth and Kendra kissing in her office and he knew that they were both back to work and so was Emily, the past week has been hell, Leo wouldn't even talk to him, he had a fight with Alex who kicked him out of the bedroom and wouldn't talk to him unless it was about the kids…_


	14. The Fight

A week has passed since Tom found Seth and Kendra kissing in her office and he knew that they were both back to work and so was Emily, the past week has been hell, Leo wouldn't even talk to him, he had a fight with Alex who kicked him out of the bedroom and wouldn't talk to him unless it was about the kids, she was furious at him for not only the way he reacted to Kendra and Seth's relationship but more importantly on how he treated Leo. He walks in the office and finds his whole staff waiting for him, he was late for the morning briefing again apparently.

"Morning, what's on the agenda?" he grounds as he drops his briefcase on the floor next to the desk.

"We have to discuss about the Brandy bill sir." Emily starts, Tom looks up from some papers in front of him.

"What about it?" he asks uninterested.

"The supreme court decided that it's unconstitutional"

"Fine!" the staff looks at each other they don't know who should talk, Emily breaths and tries again.

"The republicans will try and pass similar regulations again sir."

"And what exactly you want me to do Emily?" he says, his voice shows clearly his annoyance with her which causes her to take a step back in surprise.

"Sir if I may the best way from legal standpoint is for you to firmly stand behind the Supreme Court's ruling." Kendra joins in, he looks up, their eyes connect for a moment, Kendra sees something cold and twisted there for the first time in maybe weeks.

"I know the legal standpoint Ms. Daynes I spent almost two decades with a lawyer."

"I know that sir, but as the White House counsel I had to inform you about it." She pushes back, for a moment there's a total silence in the room, until Aaron barges in, he seems worried, color is draining from his face.

"Sir, we have a problem." For the first time Tom looks like he's remotely interested in what's going on around him.

"What problem Aaron?"

"Three American students they were arrested in North Korea, they are accused of contempt against the government." Tom takes a deep breath closing his eyes for a moment, this morning was getting so much worse.

"Give us the room." Everyone starts scrambling to get out of the room as fast as possible.

"Kendra should stay sir, we need our legal options." Aaron says, Kendra stops at the door and turns around.

"Fine" Tom says, all but Kendra and Aaron leave the room, the two staffers look at each other.

"Go on"

"Three students Eric Maison, Robert Gibson and Allison Donavan were arrested early this morning in North Korea, the authorities there accuse them of contempt of the government, they claim to have video of at least one of them taking down a banner or poster, the Intel is not clear yet."

"When are they due to court?" Kendra asks, she doesn't wait for Tom to join in, she knows what she's doing but at the same time it makes Tom even more upset rather than be glad.

"Probably sometime today."

"I think we should try and get them lawyers from the embassy, the government might not allow it though." She says turning to Tom who was sitting at his chair, he nodes and turns to Aaron.

"What do you think Aaron?"

"I think Kendra is right, our ambassador in South Korea tried to contact the North's government but she was unsuccessful on that front."

"We can't leave them without legal representation, they'll die there!" Kendra intervenes, she doesn't know much about North Korea but she knows enough to know the future of those three students.

"Well why don't you hop on a plain and go represent them yourself." Tom says, Aaron looks at their boss in shock, he was in a bad mood for a couple days but that was out of the line.

"Excuse me?"

"Sir that was out of line!" Aaron tells him, Tom walks in front of the desk, his hands are balled in tight fists.

"You are out of line!" he responds to Kendra's surprise he stands almost face to face with Aaron, and she has to admit she's afraid they'll end up having a fist fight.

"She didn't say anything wrong it's true that we have to exhaust all diplomatic ways to get them back or else they'll die in a North Korean prison!" she's not sure who pushes who first but soon enough she finds herself trying to pull Aaron away from the president.

"What the hell is going on?" both men stop, frozen in their spot as the first lady's voice filled the room. "Kendra are you alright?" she asks putting a hand on her shoulder. Kendra looks at the other woman and smiles.

"I'm fine." She tells her. Alex walks to Aaron who's now standing awkwardly a few feet away from the president.

"Aaron are you ok?" she asks him as well.

"Yes ma'am." He responds nodding.

"Give us the room please." She tells them both; the smile on her face is clearly apologetic. Aaron and Kendra walk out of the room as fast as they could closing the door behind them. She waits until the door is closed before turning around and facing Tom.

"What the hell was that Tom?" she asks him, her voice was harsh, she wasn't going to pull any punches.

"None of your business." He murmurs walking back to his desk.

"None of my business? You're a brewing volcano for a week now! Fighting with Leo, suspending Kendra, Seth and Emily for nothing, ignoring me, the kids and now getting in a fight with Aaron? I think you made it my business by acting like a child!"

"It's all about you isn't?" his voice, dripping with sarcasm feels like a knife to her heart, he sounds bitter and the man that turns around looks even worse.

"I'm sorry?" he walks to her fast, his hands gripping her arms tightly.

"Don't you dare tell me that you had it worse than me Alex! I thought about killing myself more than once!" Alex feels his hands squeezing her arms where she will sure find bruises the next morning. "You could turn on the TV and you would see us, you knew we were alive, I had to bury you, I had to tell our ten year old daughter you died! Our son wouldn't talk to me for months, he hates me!" his voice started rising and the grip on her arms tightened a little further.

Alex bit her lower lip, trying to stop the cry of pain from leaving her lips. "Don't you dare tell me you had it worse than me!" this time she couldn't stop the gasp of pain; he heard it but didn't loosen his grip on her.

"I was alone Tom…" she wasn't sure how to tell him, how to tell him everything she went through, how to explain to him her pain. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have both your legs broken? How much it hurts learning how to walk again at forty seven? I spend five weeks confined in a bed, I could barely go to the bathroom alone." the tears she was trying so hard to keep back now freely rolling down her face, "Five weeks Tom, five weeks, you think it was easy for me, turning on the TV and seeing you with Penny and Leo at my funeral? Seeing my little girl dressed in black, my son with tears down his face. You think it was easy turning on to the briefing and seeing you there, seeing the pain in your eyes, the exhaustion and knowing that it was because of me?" she stopped to take a breath and realized that Tom's hands had loosen their grip on her and she takes this opportunity to remove her arms from his grip. His arms fall to his side, "At the end you would go back home to two amazing children, you had your brother, your mother my mother, you had our family to support you, to take some of the weight from your shoulders, all I had was the pain of broken bones and an empty cabin in the middle of nowhere." He takes a few steps back and she sees the color draining from his face.

"You think you had it worse Tom? You don't even imagine what I've been through in those months and apparently you don't want to learn, you are so focused on your pain, as if you were the only one affected by it." She walks closer to him, she's not sure if she should reach out and hold him.

"I will take the kids to Camp David, you need to get yourself together, I can't stay in this environment, I have to take care of them first." She sees him lowering his head, the tears from his eyes falling on his crossed arms on his lap, she takes one of them and holds it tightly in her hands, her thumb slowly and softly caressing the top of his palm.

"Get it together Tom, please, I can't do this alone, please don't force me to." With that she let his hand fall back by his side and leaned over placing a soft kiss on his temple before she left the room, she didn't look back; she didn't need to see Tom breaking in the middle of the oval office.

* * *

Alex stands outside of Kendra's office taking a couple deep breaths she's not sure what to say to her, how to explain what happened. She knocks on the door fully prepared to be kicked out.

"Can I come in?" looks in the room, Aaron, Seth, Emily and Lyor are with Kendra in her office, they give her a small smile, which makes her feel somewhat better.

"Sure." Kendra says.

"You're in good company I see."

"Yeah." Alex walks to the couch and sits down next to Kendra, taking on of her hands in hers.

"I am so sorry for what happened in the oval, Aaron are you alright?" she asks the young man again.

"Yes ma'am, don't worry."

"I don't what's going on with Tom, he's unrecognizable lately." she looks at the people in the room, looking at each other, there's a question in their eyes accompanied with almost shock.

"He's been that way more or less since Christmas." Emily says.

"It still doesn't excuse him Emily. At least he was focused on the job at hand and wasn't berating people for just pointing out the truth!" Seth sounded just as angry as he looked, Kendra raises her hand, she touches the back of his palm, it's surprising to Alex how fast his face changes, the anger disappears and something else, calmer, softer appears.

"Seth please."

"Say it." Alex says, a small crooked smile appears on her lips.

"I'm sorry?"

"Say it I know you want to." Seth looks down, runs a hand over his face.

"Your husband is a son of bitch, and I'd like to punch his glasses in." she chuckles sadly, it's sad how not angry she is by this statement against her husband, the man she saw in the oval a few minutes ago was so different from the man she married, she knows he's still there, somewhere deep down he's still there, maybe he's scared, maybe he's traumatized but she knows he's still there.

"Give him some time, all of you, I'll take the kids to Camp David, he needs to work things out alone, and I don't want them around while he does. Just give him some time."

"I'll give him a month; if he doesn't change I'm getting the hell out of here." She nodes, she can understand completely why he might be fed up with Tom, especially if what Emily said was right.

"I wouldn't blame you, I honestly don't think he's gonna need that long." They look at each other, she can see the disbelieve in their eyes. "Could you guys give Emily Kendra and me the room for a while please?" she asks, if it confuses them they don't show it as they walk out of the room.

"Sure." Seth murmurs he was the last one to leave the room, stealing glances at Kendra as he was walking to the door.

"What you wanted to tell us?" Emily asks as soon as the door closed behind Seth.

"How about you two come to Camp David with me for a couple of days, you know, just to get away, from everything."

"You mean from the president." Emily chuckles, the irony doesn't escape either of them, it was amazing how much could change in a couple years, before the white house Emily was almost like a daughter to them, she would sleep over their house, she would find herself cuddled with Penny and Leo in the couch in the living room for Friday movie nights and now she wanted to get away from Tom, it was stinging.

"That too." Alex admits.

"Sure." Kendra whispers, it makes Alex smile a bit, she realizes there's so many things she doesn't know, so many things changed since she last was in this building, Tom changed most of them all, and these two could possibly have the most answers than anyone else.

"Yeah, we'll drive there tonight and call in sick tomorrow." Emily suggested, Kendra smiled widely at the idea and just nodded her head, apparently neither was too keen on coming back to work tomorrow.

"Wonderful, I'll be waiting for you two then." She gives a last squeeze to Kendra's hand and get's up, dusting the none existing dust off of her clothes, straightening her lapels.

"With lots of wine I hope." Emily suggest, the smirk on her face reminds her a bit the young faced woman that was the only one eager to work in HUD years ago.

"Lots and lots."

* * *

She hears him walk in the room, he's not as covert as he might have thought, his eyes are burning holes in her back as he watches her move around the room putting clothes in her suitcase. She wonders how long it will take him to talk.

"I see you packed." He finally speaks when she closes her suitcase, Alex takes a deep breath before responding, still looking ahead to the wall over the headboard.

"I did,"

"I guess telling you how sorry I am won't do much right?" she turns around, his words make her wonder for a moment, the sight surprises her, the man in front of her seems more broken than she had ever seen him before, it takes all her strength to tell him, "No, it won't", trying to keep her answer as short as possible being afraid that she will break down completely if she doesn't, she can't back down now.

"I am though." He walks closer, she is tempted to just wrap her arms around him tightly and never let him go but she does manage to take a couple steps back. "Alex I really am." His voice breaks a bit at the end, he notices that she walked away from him, of course he did. She hates herself for causing him even more pain and distress, but right now they don't have another solution.

"You should go say goodbye to the kids." She suggests, finally managing to take her eyes away.

"I was going to walk you out." She may not turn and see his eyes but his voice betrays his surprise at her suggestion, they had gone through this before after all, so he, naturally, thought it would be the same this time too.

"It's better if you don't, just…" she turns around and sees him nodding, "Let's not make it a bigger deal right?" he tells her, his voice reminding a bit more of his old self.

"Yeah."

"Leo's still mad at me isn't he?" he knows the answer, she knows he knows, it's not really a question that he needs answered and he doesn't even know why he asked it.

"Well, wouldn't you be?" he chuckles; the sound is empty, hollow just like he feels right now.

"You'll call right," she looks at him, it's almost as if he's completely changing in front of her eyes.

"As often as you want."

"Ok." There's a silence spreading between them, she looks around the room, pretending to look for something else.

"I'm sorry Alex; I don't know what to do." A sad smile formed on her lips as she reaches for his hand.

"You'll figure it out. I know you will."

* * *

"I feel weird going to Camp David again." Kendra said, she was looking out of the window, Emily steals a glimpse of Kendra, it's insane how apart they were driven since Christmas, they used to be closer, they would go out at least once a week for shopping, drinks, a movie but after Alex's accident something changed, not only in the two of them but with all of them, it's as if they not only stopped celebrating but they had stopped talking to each other as well.

"Yeah you never told me why the president suspended you that night." Kendra looks outside the window for a moment and then turns to Emily, the last time she was in Camp David seemed so far away and still it wasn't so much had changed since then.

"It's a long story Emily, I'll tell you, I just have a feeling that the first lady will want to know too and if you don't mind I would like to say it once."

"Sure, whatever is easier for you is fine by me." She sees her friend smiling at her and for a moment Kendra can pretend that they are a few months younger, they are driving for drinks or to a movie, nothing that would haunt their dreams has happened

"Thank you."

"I honestly thought we were past this." Emily said, Kendra saw her hands gripping the wheel tight enough for her knuckles to turn white.

"I hoped so too, he seemed to be back to his normal self but,"

"He's gonna unravel again." She said, there was no question in her voice, no doubt, Kendra smiled sadly she wishes he would unravel, someone unraveling is easy to remove from power, someone unraveling can be considered as mentally unfit to discharge his duties but someone going through the stages of grief? What to do then?

"No, we was going through the stages of grief when Alex came back he was in anger, he's probably gonna be in depression or bargaining."

"A depressed president," Emily chuckled, Kendra turned her head and looked at her friend's profile, her eyes were filled with tears she was biting her lip hard trying to stop them from falling. "Wonderful"

"I think this might shake him enough to actually seek help." Kendra said, she wasn't sure why this was different but it felt like it, this felt miles apart from where she felt he was few months ago.

"I hope you're right Kendra, because I know Tom Kirkman for nearly four years now, that man is not Tom Kirkman."

* * *

Hannah walked mindlessly to Chuck's room, she was carrying his lilies this time, their intoxicating smell was filling her nostrils, something felt different to her, something inside her head was telling her something was changing.

She stopped abruptly outside of Chuck's room when she saw the doctors come and go panicked through the doors. The flowers fell from her hands softly hitting the ground and she ran to the room pushing doctors and nurses aside, not caring that they were trying to stop her. She manages to get inside, her breath caught in her throat; he was sitting up, the breathing tube gone, the soft hypnotizing sound of the ventilator gone. His eyes widened when he saw her and blinked a couple times, there was a haze in his eyes that had trouble focusing on her.

"Chuck!" she breathed his name and for the first time in a long time the tears escaping her eyes were happy ones.

 **A/N: Thank you for reading this, guys! Please let me know if you like.**

 **Sneak Peek**

 _Alex was waiting for them almost at the door, they had barely parked when the woman appeared on the front door, she had one of what seemed to be the president's scarfs wrapped around her shoulders and waved at the two of them…_


	15. Confessions Part 1

Alex was waiting for them almost at the door, they had barely parked when the woman appeared on the front door, she had one of what seemed to be the president's scarves wrapped around her shoulders and waved at the two of them. Emily waved back, turning around for Kendra she smiled when she saw her coming too.

"Hey, come in!" Alex stepped aside letting them inside, the room was warm and to Kendra's surprise much brighter than it looked last time she was here. Alex had turned on the lights not just the smaller table lamps.

"Are Leo and Penny asleep?" Emily asked while the two of them placed their bags on the small closet next to the entrance.

"Yeah, they are with my mother on cabin 2."

"Oh." Kendra was shocked she didn't know what else to say and from looking at Emily she didn't either.

"They wanted to give us some privacy tonight." Emily and Kendra exchanged a look, they all know that it wasn't the kids that wanted to give them privacy it was more like they would need it.

"Wine?" Alex shows them a bottle on the bar top, they both nod and she reaches for the glasses in the back. There's a comforting silence while Alex works around the bar getting the glasses purring the wine. She gives them the glasses; Kendra enjoys the strong smell of the wine. The silence between them grows uncomfortable the longer they stay silent.

"How was he," she asks, Alex places the glass softly on the table next to her. She's using the same armchair Tom was having a nightmare on a few months back, "The months I was away."

"He," Emily looks at Kendra, she doesn't know how exactly to word it "He was bad."

"He was angry all the time, with Mike for the secret service's failures, with me for surviving, with the staff for every little thing, with John for pushing the investigation, with Hannah for pulling the string and bringing Damian in the white house. He was just mad at everything."Kendra took over, Emily breathed out in relief she was glad that she didn't have to keep talking about this.

"I wanted to call him; I wanted to let him know the truth." Alex chuckled sadly and took the glass from the table again.

"I don't think it would have helped, he wouldn't have believed it." Emily said, Kendra feels the lump growing in her throat, she knew she would have to say what she knows, even if that meant breaking Tom's confidence.

"I also think he had nightmares, or," Alex turns to her, her eyes widened; Kendra could see she almost knew. It was as if she already knew but it didn't make it any easier for her. "or even at times hallucinations."

"What?"Kendra can see the color draining from Alex's face.

"I did as I promised to you, I was there for him," Alex nodded, "One night he called me, it was about five weeks after the accident, and asked me to come to Camp David so we could talk." Kendra felt the atmosphere in the room freezing, taking a deep breath she continued her story.

"The first night we, we had a fight, I don't ever remember what was it about, it feels so long ago, but we fought and then we talked, I feel asleep on the couch he was sitting in the armchair over there, I woke up he was having a nightmare, he had broken the grass next to him, cut open his palm, knocked the table over. I honestly don't know what he was dreaming about, I never asked but the next night, he had asked to come over again and I did, I heard him talking in the bedroom, so I walked there, he was," the tears she was struggling to keep back were chocking her.

"What?"

"He was out of him mind, he broke things in his way he was yelling, he thought I was you." She doesn't want to keep talking, looking around the room both Emily and Alex were looking at her.

"What else?" Alex was looking at her, she was suspecting what might have happened, "Kendra please tell me!"

"He thought I was you, he called me Alex,"

"You're not telling me everything Kendra," Kendra looked away, she wasn't sure she should tell her the whole truth, how could she tell her that? "Kendra please I need to know."

"He kissed me thinking I was you." Emily gasped, but to Kendra's surprise Alex's face remained neutral. "But when I pushed him away, he changed, his face grew stone cold, and he suspended me for a week, he told to take a week but it was a suspension."

"I'm so sorry for that."

* * *

Tom looks around the living room and chuckles, how he found himself alone again? Looking around the room just shows signs of his family everywhere just like the other two times, this time though for some reason it hurts him so much more, looking at Penny's forgotten drawing on the dining table, or Alex's notes about the state dinner on the coffee table or even Leo's shoes left by the door, it's like their things are there but they are gone. He walks to the liqueur cabinet chuckling, is it he always ends there? It seems that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree; he's turning into his father day by day. The burning whiskey is giving him the all familiar buzz, it's helping him forget that he is alone, the most powerful man in the world is also the lonelier.

* * *

"I still feel his body on me, he had me pinned on the ground, he was whispering in my ear exactly how slowly he would kill me, from times to times I close my eyes and I can still feel his body, his hands on my wrists." Alex get's the glass from the table she tries as hard as she can to avoid the faces of the other two women in the room; she doesn't want to have to face their shocked and possibly disgusted faces.

"A couple weeks ago, Tom rolled over in his sleep and he was half lying on me, I had a panic attack, I was," she doesn't know what to say, what else was there.

"Did you tell him that?"

"Tell him what Emily? That I thought he was someone else, that," Alex stops taking a couple of breaths, she's trying to think why she didn't tell him, he should know, but she also knows that even though he deserves to know he probably can't handle knowing. "He's barely holding on as it is."

"Maybe if he knew," Emily gets up, she's frustrated, both Kendra and Alex can tell, it wasn't easy for her to be so out of the loop and in the last few months she was widely out of the loop. "I don't know Alex, maybe, God I don't know." Alex smiles sadly, a few tears escaping her eyes.

"He needs to get better first. I will tell him, eventually, but for now, I need him to get better." Emily and Kendra nod and another uncomfortable silence falls between them, Alex sees Kendra almost cuddling the wine glass.

"I want you both to promise me that you will not tell him a thing."

"Sure," Emily tells her, she sits down again taking her glass from the coffee table.

"Of course"

"And, please be there for him," Alex knows she's asking too much, this isn't fair of her to ask them to be there for Tom, she knows she should be the one, she was married to him after all. "I'm ashamed of admitting it but I can't, I can't be there, I'm not strong enough to be there for him."

"I want to, but I'm not sure I can do that. I can promise you I'll try." Emily tells her, Alex can't blame her, what she's asking isn't a small feat. To her surprise though Kendra responded differently.

"I can, I was already his punching bag once, why not again." She tries to brush it away, she tries to make it seem easy, like it's not a big thing, she knows and Alex knows that it is probably the biggest thing she had asked of them.

"I don't want you to do anything you don't like, if he says or does anything at all that you're not comfortable with I want you to call me right away, no matter the hour," she sees the realization in Kendra's eyes, she's trying to ignore the fact that she's dealing with a man with a lot of issues. A man that neither of them knows how will react. "No matter what it is."

* * *

Hannah couldn't believe her eyes; he was, for the first time in months, actually starring back at her. His eyes were slightly hazy, apparently the drugs haven't wore off completely.

"Chuck, how are you?" she walks closer, taking his hand and notices how stiff his whole posture became.

"Who are you?" he asks her, it feels as if someone punched her in the gut, as if all air left her lungs.

"It's me, Hannah," she tries again, a small smile in her face, she hopes, prays for the first time in years, that he will remember her, that somehow hearing her name will change something but it doesn't.

"I'm sorry I don't," his eyes betray his disappointment, Hannah was ready to let go, she wanted to run away and hide, but realized that he was still holding her hand. He might not remember her but he is still holding her hand, still wants that small touch.

"It's ok, I'll help you through." She doesn't know why she says that, but the smile that forms on his face is all familiar and rewarding.

"Thank you."

 **A/N: Thank you for reading! As always if you like the chapter please leave a comment!**

 **Sneak Peek**

 _Kendra was almost dreading the day she was going back to work, the weekend she spend with Alex and Emily in Camp David was the first completely relaxing weekend in a long time. She got to know better both Penny and Leo and just relax from all the madness she knew was awaiting for her back in D.C._


	16. Confessions Part 2

**Chapter 16: Confessions Part 2**

Kendra was almost dreading the day she was going back to work, the weekend she spend with Alex and Emily in Camp David was the first completely relaxing weekend in a long time. She got to know better both Penny and Leo and just relax from all the madness she knew was awaiting for her back in D.C. standing outside the president's private office she realizes that this is the time to finally come face to face with the madness. She heard the rumors the morning she walked in, how the president was often walking around drunk in the weekend, how he didn't even came in the office in Saturday, how he was smelling of alcohol from a distance, how he blew off Hookstraten and Moss twice.

She knows the door but get's no response, looking right and left no one is coming her way so she just opens the door and slides in the room.

"Mr. President?" she looks around peaking in the oval but he's not there, she turns to leave and sees him lying on the couch he's curled up, his face barely visible from the quilt he's using. She walks closer to him, she kicked the empty bottle of whiskey she hadn't noticed was there, she kneels down, the smell of alcohol filled her nostrils as soon as she got face to face with him. "Tom!" she shakes him a little harder than it was maybe appropriate.

"What?" his smell still smells alcohol and his eyes are still hazy.

"Oh my god! Are you drunk?" she knows the answer but the shock still overcame her.

"What time is it?" he asks her, she sees he's having trouble sitting up so she helps him.

"It's 8."

"It's night." He looks at her puzzled, she bites her tongue, it's almost scary how different her reaction is this time around. She realizes that this time she's acting differently because her goal is different. It hurts her to even admit it to herself but the first time around she cared less about him breaking down, the first time around she wanted him to be able to finish his term, she wasn't that interested in anything else, but this time she wanted him to get better. This time he had something, someone to get back to, someone to win over again. And also this time she knows the feeling, she knows how he felt, Seth made her understand, she knows now that if she ever lost Seth, or even thought she had lost Seth her reaction wasn't going to be much different than Tom's.

"Come on, I'll help you upstairs." She helps him up from the couch, his feet were slightly shaky.

"Wait I need some papers for tomorrow." He tries to go to his desk, but Kendra stops him.

"You can't work like that, Emily will understand." He looks at her the question clear in his eyes but her smile appeared to be enough to reassure him.

* * *

Kendra got him to the residence with no problem, they didn't meet anyone on the way there, so that saved him the embarrassment, Mike was walking behind them a few feet, keeping a safe distance to give Tom the needed privacy but also keep on a lookout for people possibly coming their way.

"What is going on?"She asks him as soon as she waves Mike goodnight and closes the door behind her.

"She's gone again." She walks closer and sits down next to him on the couch. She studies his face for a while and realizes that there is a real possibility that he doesn't know what exactly was going on or why Alex decided to leave.

"You pushed her away, Tom," he continues to look at the floor trying to avoid looking at her. "Look at me." She gets hold of his chin and makes him look at her. "You don't understand do you?" she sits back, her hands rubbing over her face.

"She didn't want to leave, you forced her to, you started ignoring her, you got angry for no reason, she had to think about your kids," Kendra looks away, how she always found herself in these situations is beyond her. "And she had to get better herself."

"What?"

"She spend months in solitary, alone in the middle of nowhere, no one to talk, no one to," she stops and realizes that he's looking at her just as puzzled as he was when she started talking to him. "She was alone, that does things to people, it messes with your mind."

"But she went somewhere where she's again, alone."

"No, she's somewhere with people that love her, people that, well," how could she explain it, "Don't have problems to work through themselves."

"You think I was making her worse?

"Yes." He lowers his head again, it seems as if he can't keep his head up most of the time he even has trouble with those simple things. He is growing older by each passing day Cornelius told him many times that eight years in the oval feel like eighteen years in any other office in the country, he guesses that's what he meant after all.

"I pushed her away because I'm afraid," It shocks her not the statement itself but the admission, she never thought he would say it a loud. Maybe Alex was right, maybe this choice she made, leaving, was the catalyst for him to face the truth he was trying to evade all along. "I'm afraid I'll wake up one morning and it's all going to be a dream," he didn't turn to face her; he stayed frozen almost staring dead ahead. "She'll still be dead, and I" Kendra sees him losing control of his emotions, it's slow and then all at once. She reaches out puts a hand on his back, she hopes it's reassuring, she hopes he understands that she's there for him. He reaches up and holds her hand.

"You are afraid that you'll lose her forever." It surprises her that this didn't come out as a question, and she's even more surprised to see him nodding.

"When she was gone, I would dream of her, the longer I stayed away, the longer she lingered." She sees him struggling to even form the words, she wonders how long he had kept it in, she knew something was wrong she was afraid that this might be it but facing it was hard. "I guessed I stayed away for too long." The sob that comes out at the end of the sentence breaks her heart. "She doesn't want to stay away" she reassures him, she hopes he will believe her but deep down she knows he's not in a place to do so yet. He asks her "Then why she did?" as if she has all the answers when she doesn't, and he knows that, but she tries, she tries and for this issue she does have the answer.

"Because you have issues," she responds, "Issues that cloud you, you can't see her pain because you are blinded by yours." he hangs his head too many emotions pass through his tired body, shame, for the way he treated everyone around him, exhaustion, for trying to keep his head above water for so long, everything. He remembers what the grief counselor, his staff forced him to see told him, _'People who tread water for too long they eventually drown'_ Kendra is offering him a life vest, again, and maybe this time he needs to take it because there won't be a third time.

"I know."

* * *

Cornelius was studding the woman sitting in front of him, she wasn't eating, just running her fork through her mashed potatoes again and again. "What's wrong?" he asks her even though he knows the answer, he was in the same cabinet meeting after all.

"Kirkman was not good today." He smiles sadly, it's really amazing how much they changed since the bombing, they became a tightly knighted family when they started out as accountancies at best.

"I know my dear, he was," he looks down at his stake but he can't concentrate on food either. "I'll talk to him tomorrow." She smiles warmly and turns back to her food, "I know where he is." Cornelius murmurs into his bite. He hears her fork hitting the table; she sits back and crosses her arms. "I'm afraid Cornelius; he drinks on the job, what if he starts a war?" he nods, her concerns are valid, Kimble wasn't knows of overstating things after all.

"I'm not gonna let him, I'll… I'll start working more closely with the white house from now and on. I'll get him to choose a VP, or running mate." She nods, biting her lip, that's the sign he needs, she has something else to tell him, they are alone in his townhouse and yet she looks right and left as if there's someone watching them, and sure there are secret service agents, but they are waiting outside.

"The republicans will pick Bowman; he's far too ahead in the polls and votes, Jacobs will drop within the week," she whispers, he leans closer to her, "Strange, the democrat will go all the way too." He responds, it seems silly that they are whispering in an empty room, as if they are conspiring of the highest crime, but this was one of their quirks.

"Will he run?" she asks him, he takes his time to respond, biting the inside of his cheek, "Everyone in the white house thinks so." She chuckles sadly.

"Yeah but what does he thinks?"

"I'll find out tomorrow."

* * *

Hannah spend about an hour today going through some generic details of their lives with Chuck, the doctors insisted that she wouldn't tell him anything major, because that was something that he had to remember on his own but she couldn't stop answering the questions he asked, even if they treaded into big issues.

"So we work together?' he asks her again, this time though it's less of a question and more of a statement, she smiles and tells him, "Yeah, you're my closest friend, family, almost."

"I'm sorry I can't remember." He says lowering his head, she curses herself, why the hell did she tell him that? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut?

"It's ok, for now, just know you can trust me, I'll be here all the way." She hopes that's enough to make him feel better, to maybe remove the guilt from his eyes that she hated. And it did, his eyes lighted up, smiling widely he asked her, "Really?" as if he couldn't believe his ears.

"I'll be here till you kick me out." She tells him taking his hand in hers, and for the first time in months he squeezes back.

* * *

"You do?" Kendra asks in amazement.

"I do have issues, not just with what happened to Alex. I still see the bombing in my sleep, I," he stops taking a deep breath, "I can feel the bullet," every word was coming out of his mouth with difficulty and all Kendra could do was hold his hand tighter as she sat down closer to him. "The burn on my chest." he uses his free hand to clutch his shirt; it's as if he's trying to scratch the scar away. "The scar is making me sick."

"Maybe you should cover it, I don't know if you're a tattoo guy but." she sees Tom start laughing almost hysterically and it puzzles her "Why are you laughing?" she asks him, to her surprise he stands up and starts unbuttoning his shirt, "Why are you taking your shirt off?" the white cotton falls on the couch revealing his upper half, to her surprise his right arm was almost completely covered by tattoos, she could count three on his right arm, one on his left, and from two on his upper right and left arm. "Oh! You are a tattoo guy."

"Yeah, I got eight." He tells her casually, he didn't put his dress shirt on sitting down with just the white cotton t shirt he had underneath.

"That will be a feast for the press."

"Yeah." She sees his mood had improved vastly, she likes seeing him like that, more relaxed, it feels like she's getting glimpses into his real self, the one so guarded all the time while in office.

She breaks the comfortable, for once, silence between them "The hostages are on their way back, Secretary Moss dealt with it." She tells him, there's a small almost shy smile on his face, "He can take over as much as he can, to give you time to recover, get back on your feet." He nodes, for a moment they are both silent, the wheels in his mind working overtime.

"I know a way to start." He tells her, smiling widely, there's something in his eyes that almost reminds her the man she only seen in pictures, all those old and worn out photographs behind his desk, behind Alex's desk.

"What?"

"Do you any good tattoo artists that can stay silent?"

 **A/N: Thank you so so much for reading please leave a comment if you liked it till next time have fun!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _Tom was waiting for her nervously, "Well?" he asked her. "He's gonna be waiting us tomorrow night, after the shop closes, you talk to Mike and we're good to go." She tells him, he smiles for the first time actually reflecting on his eyes. "Thank you" he whispers…_


	17. Progress

**Chapter 17: Progress**

Tom was waiting for her nervously, "Well?" he asked her. "He's gonna be waiting us tomorrow night, after the shop closes, you talk to Mike and we're good to go." She tells him, he smiles for the first time actually reflecting on his eyes. "Thank you" he whispers.

"So wanna talk?" she asks him, they both know that he needs to talk, that he has to and to her relief he does say the same thing himself. "I think I have to." She smiles, wondering where she should have him begin. There are so many things that happened to this man that she wonders where the beginning is. She imagines it is the bombing and after some thought she decides to have him start from there.

"Start from the beginning, the bombing, what do you feel about it." He closes his eyes tightly, he can still see the capitol exploding behind his eyelids. The orange of the flames too bright that forces him to open them again, he blinks a couple times, this always happens these days.

"I remember thinking the first night, I should have died, had I been better at my job I would be dead and it was unfair, that the country would have to look to me for leadership when I couldn't even lead HUD." She sees him struggling to get the next part out, she suspects what he's going to say next but it still doesn't make it easier. "And maybe I should be, that way Alex wouldn't be targeted; Leo wouldn't have grown to resent me," she reaches for his hand and holds it tightly.

"But Lloyd would have won." She tells him, she knows it's not gonna change much but she has to try, "The country wouldn't be what it is." He nods "I know and I feel guilty about it, but still." She can't blame him, survivor's guilt has really strong legs to break and after all he with Kimble Hookstraten were the only people to survive in a little over 400 people, from the president to the supreme court justices, to both chambers of congress and their guest that did die. She remembers reading somewhere, the day before the state of the union on how this state of the union was going to have the biggest crowd attending in modern history. He had heard it too, and to know that he was the one to survive while all those people died must have been a really difficult thing, not only to overcome but to even comprehend at all. She bites her lip, she realizes that she's not ready to face the bombing for long and neither is he so she moves to the next big trauma she can think of, "What about after the shooting?" she asks.

He chuckles sadly and looks up, his eyes are full of tears that to her surprise he didn't shed yet, "I still see it in my sleep, sometimes it's Alex that was shot and she would bleed out in my hands." He stops for a moment and looks at his hands, he remembers how his blood felt on them, he can only imagine how worse it would feel if it was her blood. "Thinking that I lost her for good made that stop, so I guess I'll take the small victories." He looks at her for a moment and then turns his eyes back to the carpet, he doesn't notice much, or even cares but the pattern is too ugly for him to take his eyes away. He remembers that this is still Richmond's carpet and chuckles "What?" she asks him softly. Tom turns to her "These are still Richmond's furniture for the most part. Tyler didn't want most of them so they stayed here. No one suspected I would stick around for long so they didn't got in trouble to change them either, but this is Richmond's carpet, his couch, his curtains."

"You think that's adding to the problem?" he looks at her, he doesn't know the answer to be honest, but he remembers what Leo told him after he told him about the accident "Alex hates it here, at least according to Leo, maybe that's one of the reasons." Kendra smiles and nods "It is" she tells him.

"We should redecorate." Tom states but that makes Kendra laugh, "Well first you should win re-election and then you can redecorate the shit out of this place." They laugh, it's so cathartic for a moment but the laughter stops almost as fast as it started. Tom's face turns serious for a moment. "I have this weight I'm carrying around. This guilt." He looks up and Kendra sees the realization forming in his eyes, it takes her by surprise but when he hears him say, "I treated everyone terribly." She could finally breathe free for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Tom spend the whole night almost talking to Kendra until it was too late for her to go back home. He let her borrow one of Alex's suits and use one of the guest bedrooms to rest for a while and get ready before they both had to go back to work. Mike was waiting for him outside of the residence, they walked to the office in silence and Tom was really itching to talk to him. He hated the way he treated everyone but his treatment of Mike was hurting him the most. They get to the office, Mike opens the door for him and follows him inside, saying a quick "Good Morning" he is ready to walk out the door when Tom stops him.

"Mike can I talk to you please?" he asks, Mike is visibly surprised by this but he nods and closes the door, "Of course sir!" he says walking a bit closer to Tom, "Let's go to the next room" Tom leads him to his private office, this was so much more sensitive to him to have it solved in the oval office. "Sit" he tells him, Mike is taken aback but he follows his words and example and sits down on the other couch in the room.

"I'd like to apologize, I acted horribly to you in the last few months and you didn't deserve it." Mike opens his mouth "Sir-" he says but Tom raises his hand to stop him, he knows what Mike wants to say but right now he needs to get it off his chest. "Please let me finish, I'm sorry for blaming you, or blowing up on you, it was wrong, it was unacceptable. And I'd like you to know that I still consider you a friend, if you don't mind." He sees the smile on Mike's face, it makes him breathe a bit easier.

"Sir, I'd be honored. But," this was Tom's turn to try and complain but Mike raised his hand stopping him this time "And you let me finish." Tom smiles and sits back. "I understand the reason, I was upset too, I don't blame you for your reaction, I think anyone's reaction would have been the same." Tom bites the inside of his cheek, what Mike said made him emotional, he knew he could count on Mike for pretty much everything but this was probably more than he deserved after his behavior for the last few months.

"It means the world to me Mike you know that?" Mike smiles, "Yeah." He says smiling. "So we're good?" Tom knows he sounds like his twelve year old self, scared and unsure of every step he took, but this time he doesn't hate it, he used to resent that kid, he used to hate that this boy still appeared from time to time, but this time to his surprise he didn't maybe because this time the exchange didn't end up with him having his glasses punched in. This time Mike just said "We're good!" with his trademarked smile lighting up his face.

They stayed in silence for a moment before Mike got up, "Gotta go back to work" he said and Tom nodded, when he got to the door though he stopped, "Oh and about the first lady's detail, I handpicked the new agents; they are some of the best we have. And I put in the recommendation to replace all the vehicles lost in the bombing, I hope congress will stop stonewalling now." Tom chuckles, he is thankful that Mike thought about it, it really did put his mind at ease that Mike had personally picked the agents in Alex's detail.

"Never hope with this congress Mike, they hate me and everything I stand for." He jokes, Mike chuckles, a mischievous smile on his lips as he said "True" and walked out letting him work.

* * *

Tom looks up to Kendra, she's eating not paying much attention to him, he's thankful that she didn't mind spending her lunch break with him, he wasn't the best company for a long time after all. "Thank you for agreeing to lunch again." He tells her when he sees her finishing her lunch.

"No problem." She wipes her mouth, carelessly, exactly like Alex does, wiping her lipstick off and smiles. She looks up to him and smiles "So how was your day so far?" she asks him cheerfully, almost too cheerfully he notices. "Good, I took your advice, I talked to Mike, I feel lighter." She smiles, it occurs to him that maybe that's the reason she was so cheerful, her smile is more relieved now that she heard him say that. He should ask her but she nods and changes the subject fast. "Have you thought about the elections?" she asks him, her face changing instantly. "What about them?" Tom asks, he tries to buy some time, he knows what she's asking for he went most of his term without a Vice President, he can't go through the election without one too.

"Will you run again? Because if you will you have to find a running mate." She asks him he had thought about it again and again, and before Alex came back he would probably not run but now he doesn't know. He knows that he has some time left to decide but he isn't sure if he's gonna ask her or not. He knows his staff wants him to run, he knows most of them are acting as if he's gonna run. "I don't know, I want to talk to Alex before deciding. This will affect the next four or even eight years of our lives, I want to talk to her first." He realizes that he needs to call her, he needs to actually talk to her about this and he needs to be ready to walk out if she doesn't want to get through this again. He realizes that this might be harder than he thought.

"Understood, but people are thinking you'll run, so"

"I have to hurry."

"Yeah."

* * *

Cornelius walks down the corridors of the capitol, he hates having to testify in the house, it's horrible, not that the senate is any better but the house is a shark tank. Of course a small voice in his head tells him that he doesn't like them because of how they treated Kimble but he ignores it. He sees a familiar young man walking to him and smiles. "Congressman Young what a joy!" the man looks up from his phone, as soon as their eyes meet he smiles widely, "Secretary Moss!" the two men hug for a moment, it's been ages since the last time Cornelius had seen Charlie, probably since his wedding to Zoe.

"Oh kid, come on call me Cornelius!" he complains, Charlie smiles and nods. "Of course, Cornelius, how are you." He asks, Cornelius notices that he's still clutching his phone in his hand. "I'm good, how's Zoe?" he sees the young man's smile growing and he starts looking through his phone as he talks, "She's great, we just had a little baby girl." He gives him the phone, "Charlotte Abigail Young." He says, there was a baby there, she was covered almost completely with her blankets, her small face barely visible, but the smile and the happiness in her parents' faces was more than enough for Cornelius.

"She's a beautiful girl. I can imagine the old man is over the moon." He says giving the phone back to Charlie. "He is indeed, she rejuvenated him really." He puts the phone in his pocket and looks up. "I imagine, I wanted to visit but," he stops he can't find a really good excuse but he also knows that he doesn't need to with neither Charlie not any of the Bartlets really.

"Don't worry I'm sure he understands."

"Well I was glad to see you, give Zoe, Charlotte, Abigail and the old man my love will you?" he asks him, "No problem." Charlie responds, Cornelius gives another squeeze to the young man's shoulder before they both take their separate ways.

* * *

Cornelius takes a deep breath before entering the room, he heard murmurs that Tom was in a good mood today but he wasn't sure how long this will last, the past few days the normally calm and collected man was a brewing volcano which was able to erupt at no notice. He walks in, the younger man looks up from his papers, his glasses slipping off his nose, he's taken aback by how normal he looks, how absolutely ordinary this picture looks. "Cornelius, everything alright with the committee?" he asks him letting his pen down on the desk. "Of course." Cornelius answers immediately, Tom smiles and gets up coming closer to him. Cornelius gathers his thoughts, "The hostages are on the way back as well, landing tonight at 8" he tells him, Tom smiles again and nods "I would like to meet them; I don't if it's appropriate though." Cornelius tries not to get too exited; he realizes also to his surprise that he can't smell any alcohol on Tom, either his clothes or his breath.

"It would be. I can arrange it." Tom smiles again, this time is smaller more reserved, "I would appreciate it a lot." He tells him. The, for a moment, both stand there awkwardly not saying anything but not moving either. "Is there another matter." Tom asks him eventually. "We have to talk." Cornelius says, Tom knew this was coming, of course it was, he couldn't avoid the lecture coming his way for long. He sits down on the couch and motions to Cornelius to do the same as well.

"About?"

"You, you spend yesterday the whole afternoon drunk, you're acting erratic, don't think I don't know what happened in PEOC few weeks ago, you were ready to start a war with Syria and Alex is gone again." Tom barely managed to get a breath before he felt his throat closing, he knew that Cornelius would see through his façade, he's been there after all, he just hoped he wouldn't comfort him so bluntly. Tom tries to look away, he wished he had asked him about anything else, "You can talk to me kid, I've been there, remember?" he tells him, Tom takes a deep breath, like with Kendra he can't avoid facing the truth with Cornelius, not this time.

"I'm getting it together; Alex and I needed a break. Trust me it's not going to happen again." He tries to reassure him, to his surprise Cornelius sits back, "Good, but I am here if you want to talk." He didn't expect his mentor to give up so fast, "Thank you. I appreciate it." He realizes soon enough that the only reason why Cornelius gave up so easy was because he had another thing coming for him.

"About the elections, the republicans will pick Bowman and Strange will go all the way, what are you doing?" he asks him, Tom takes a deep breath, he wanted to call Alex earlier but he postponed it, it was like he didn't know how to call her, what to tell her, all the time she was gone they had barely said more than a couple words to each other, he mostly talked with Penny, a little bit with Leo and that was it. Truth was that after Kendra mentioned it to him he went through some names that Emily had dropped on his desk months ago of possible candidates but no one really got him interested.

"I need to talk to Alex first; I need to know she's on board. But I have gone through some running mates." He sees Cornelius nodding, Tom realizes that he's far deeper than he thought and he isn't sure if he will be able to just walk away if Alex wasn't on board.

"If I may, you should consider Congressman Young, he's a bright man and with experience." Cornelius suggests, Tom sits back, he tries to remember when he heard that name, it's as if for a moment his brain blacked out. "President Bartlet's son in law?" he asks, "Yeah, he's a good kid Tom." Tom nods, he remembers meeting Charlie Young, he's is indeed a bright man, not only smart but funny, kind and compassionate as well. Not to mention that he handled Jed Bartlet for nearly seven years almost single handedly.

"I will, I agree he's really great and I agree with a lot of his positions." Tom looks at Cornelius smiling widely, "I can talk to him first if you want, I know him well." He offers, he's ready to tell him to do just that when he catches himself. If he takes that step there's no way back, he really needs to talk to Alex first before going any farther.

"I'd like to talk to Alex first if you don't mind." Cornelius' smile drops, his face turning serious, "You don't have long, next month are the conventions." He tells him.

"I know, I'll talk to her probably tomorrow."

"Good."

 **A/N: So next chapter Tom and Alex talk for the first time in weeks will Tom run? Let me know if you guys liked this chapter!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _"_ _Hannah!" she wakes up when she hears her name being called, she is disoriented for a moment, thinking that it came from a dream but she soon sees him staring at her, his eyes opened widely as he stares in hers…_


	18. The first step

**Chapter 18:The first Step**

"Hannah!" she wakes up when she hears her name being called, she is disoriented for a moment, thinking that it came from a dream but she soon sees him staring at her, his eyes opened widely as he stares in hers.

"Chuck?" she asks, she hates the uncertainty that still lingers there but the look in his eyes, the way he clutches her hand is enough to blow away every little there's something in his eyes, something that reassures her that he remembers her.

"You are here." He breathes out in relief, his hand clutches hers tightly, his other slowly letting go of the blanket.

"Until you kick me out."

* * *

Tom was looking at the phone in his hands so weird that after almost nineteen years together he felt unsure talking to Alex. There was a strange feeling in his gut, one he hasn't felt since the morning after their first date when he wasn't sure what to tell her on the phone and ended up just showing up at her door. He suspects this method will not be appreciated this time, especially given their interactions in the last month or even before that. He closes his eyes, snippets of their lives together play out in front of him his fingers dial the number out of memory, "Hello." Her voice is so familiar, he feels like breathing again for the first time in ages. "Alex." Her name comes out of his lips like a prayer, it makes him lower his head, she heard the desperation he's sure she did just like he heard her nervousness when she told him, "Hey, Tom. Penny was about to call you." He can almost imagine her playing with her hair, biting her lip looking right and left.

"It's ok I wanted to talk to you first." There's a pause from the other side, it's not that long but for Tom it felt like an eternity. "Sure." She says and he finally breaths in what felt his entire life. He finds his brain being switched off, there's nothing he can think of telling her, even though he knows there are a million things he needs to tell her. "How are you?" he asks her, it's not nearly good but it's a start, his throat seems to be opening.

"I'm good." He hears the smile on her voice, it makes him smile too, he missed her smile, that small glimmer in her eyes when she smiled, the small wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled widely.

"Can I please visit? Tonight maybe," he hates how needy he sounds; he hates it even more that she heard it. He doesn't know why he still likes to pretend that he doesn't need her more than oxygen. She doesn't respond right away and he hears his heart beat loudly in his ears, "Tom," the way she tells his name it makes his heart ache, he doesn't know why but he does know that she doesn't sound ready to see him yet.

"There are a lot of things I want to tell you, but I can't do it over the phone, please." She silent for a moment, probably thinking what she should say eventually she tells him "Sure, Penny will be delighted to see you." Her voice unsure, shaky, her answer makes a few tears escape from his eyes. "I missed you all so much."

"Yeah, we did too." there's a short lived silence between them, she says his name "Tom," he can imagine what she wants to say next so he stops her.

"I understand, and you were right. You were absolutely right Alex." He knows he shocked her with what he said; her silence was enough to tell him that.

"I'll see you tonight." He tells her, her laugh, short and warm fills his ears, before she responds, "We'll be waiting."

* * *

Kendra was sitting next to him on the couch he could barely withhold his excitement as he told her that Alex agreed to let him visit.

"So you're going to camp David?" she asks him, he nodes his head in excitement, biting his lower lip tightly, "Yes, I'm ready, I need to tell her the truth, she deserves that much," he says, Kendra nods she doesn't want to appear rude but she needs to remind him about the elections too.

"You have to ask her about the elections too." She tells him he nods and turns to look at her, his eyes shining with such happiness she never had seen before.

"Yeah, I will, that's it end of the line I guess." She smiles and reaches out for his hand, "It's long overdue." She tells him, her tone reassuring all small parts of him that were screaming it wasn't a good time. He looks at her, a smile on his lips and with a new found air of confidence around him he tells her, "It is."

* * *

Tom barely managed to get off marine one when Penny run up to him, "Daddy!" he wrapped his arms around her tightly, looking up Alex and Leo were just walking out of the house.

"Hey little pea." He pulls back and studies her for the first time in a while, "My god you've grown so much!" she stands proudly, both hands on her waist, as if she's trying to make herself seem taller, "I've learned calligraphy." She boasts, Tom looks at her with a smile on his face, but his heart was breaking, he should be there and yet since taking office he missed so many things from their lives. It makes him think if running again is even worth it.

"You did?" she nodes her head with pride just telling him, "Aha!"

"Good! You have to show me!" he takes her hand and they walk to Alex and Leo who had stopped at the entrance giving them some time, Penny looks at Mike, "Is that pizza?" she asks, Mike smiles at her wide open eyes, staring at the boxes.

"Yeah, and there's a plain cheese just for you." Mike barely manages to lower the boxes to her high when Penny just took all of them and started running the few steps to the house screaming, "LEO DADDY BROUGHT PIZZA!"

"Be careful running!" Alex yells as Penny was running to the kitchen. "How was the flight?" she asks him when he's close, Tom can't help himself and he reaches for her arm, "Was good." He stops for a moment, he doesn't know why but he tells her, "We have a lot to talk."

"Later." She stops him, Alex wants to savor this moment, maybe they could pretend for a while that nothing was wrong, they both knew that this night would be long, that they both had to talk about issues that would make them uncomfortable and put them through turmoil, they both knew that, that's why Tom simply agreed, "Later."

 **A/N: Thanks for reading hope you guys liked it next chapter is going to be a bit heavy since Tom and Alex are talking about what happened to them during the time they were apart but it's getting much better after that!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _After they finished eating, their mothers offered to let Penny and Leo have a sleepover with them in their cabin. Tom and Alex had the house to themselves, neither of them knew how to feel about it, or even what to say, for a long time they were just sitting in the living room, side by side but barely touching…_


	19. Forgivness

**Chapter 19: Forgiveness**

After they finished eating, their mothers offered to let Penny and Leo have a sleepover with them in their cabin. Tom and Alex had the house to themselves, neither of them knew how to feel about it, or even what to say, for a long time they were just sitting in the living room, side by side but barely touching, Tom makes the first move, his hand reaches for hers before he asks her a question that's been bugging him since she came back, "What happened in Alaska?"

Alex chuckles, where to begin after all, so many things happened in Alaska that she almost lost count. "A lot of things." She simply states.

"Which led to you having to shot Damian." She smiles turning to look at Tom sitting next to her, she doesn't know why but she leans closer. He wraps his left arm around her shoulders, leaning back to make them both more comfortable. "Yeah." She thinks about that almost all the time, it's better now, she knows that she didn't have much of a choice after all, it was either kill or be killed. Looking up Tom's face was twisted with worry; she smiles and reaches up for his hand that was resting on her arm. "At one point he had me pinned to the ground, telling me in every detail how he was going to kill me, how he was going to take pictures and send them to you, how it wasn't going to be long till he kills you too." She doesn't know why she starts telling him this, it's probably going to make him freak out, but she can't keep lying to him any longer, if they want to make it work in the end they have to be truthful, like they always were with each other. "Sometimes, I can still feel him, I still feel his grip on my wrists, his weight on me," she feels the grip of his hand on hers tightening but she didn't have the strength to look up just yet. Taking a deep breath she continues. "One night you had rolled over in your sleep and I woke up nearly had a panic attack."

Tom feels his breath getting caught in his throat, he look down, Alex is almost hiding her face on his shoulder and uses his free hand to gently get her to look at him. "You never told me." He tells her, his voice in not judgmental or accusing, it shocks him, he was used to hearing the little monster inside him in his voice these days that he almost forgot what he actually sounded like.

"Tell you what Tom? You were dealing with many things yourself." He turns away for a moment, the tears in his eyes were burning him and he couldn't keep them at bay any more. What a sight that was the leader of the free world in tears.

"I am constantly terrified that this is just a dream, that I'll wake up and," he stops himself, looking down he finds Alex's eyes focused on him, she didn't expect him to start talking, not about what he had gone through. "You'll still be gone."

"Why did you push me away then?" she asks him, Tom knows that this is it, this is the moment he has to explain everything to her. it scares him, what if she can't look at him anymore?

"While you were away, I had those dreams, nightmares," he stops, Alex is sitting up looking at him, she's still holding his hand tightly, it's enough surprisingly to give him the strength he needs to keep talking, "this shadow, she used to wear your face, she took pleasure in messing with my head, my pain was pleasure for her." he sees her tears shining in her eyes.

Alex reaches forward her hands cupping his face, "I don't blame you, you know that right?" she tells him, he smiles and turns slightly placing a soft kiss on the inside of her palm. "I know, but I also know that you hate the white house, you hate the spotlight and," she covers his mouth with her hand silencing him, a smile on her face puzzled him, "I don't, I used to think it was a gilded cage but, I see how happy you are in this job, you love it and, I guess I can learn to love it too." She takes her hand away, Tom looks at her in amassment, he never guessed that this would be her answer, Alex rarely if ever was known of compromises. "I don't promise not to lash out though if they keep asking me about cookie recipes." He laughs, for the first time in a while and so does she, it's short lived but it feels so foreign to both of them, "I wouldn't have it any other way." There's a short lived silence between them before Tom remembers to ask her what so many people told him to. "People are asking me if I'm going to run again. I want to know that you are ok with it," he sees her getting ready to open her mouth and this is his turn to cut her off, "Please wait, this is potentially the next four to eight years of our lives, are you sure?"

"Yes." She responds immediately, it takes Tom by surprise and he asks again, as if he was sure that his ears were deceiving him. "Really?" her smile only grew when she told him again, "Yeah." Tom wraps her in his arms tightly, her laugh warms his heart, in the end this went far better than he had thought.

"Thank you." He tells her, but Alex ignores it.

"So have you thought about a running mate?" she asks him after they both settled back in the couch.

"Cornelius suggested someone I hadn't thought about but it stuck with me." She looks up, the curiosity in her eyes obvious. "Who?" she asks, her interest clearly peaked.

"Congressman Charlie Young."

"President Bartlet's son in law."

"Yeah." She smiles widely, it shocks him that she would be so interested in a political campaign she's not that fan of it, but apparently when she told him that she could learn to love it she meant it. "That would be amazing. And having President Bartlet around will be helpful too. He's still an amazing campaigner." She reminds him, Tom nods, he had thought about it too, Jed Bartlet had never lost a campaign in his life, he was beloved, competitive and one of the best campaigners to ever walk this earth. "So you agree?" he asks her, his boyish smile and excitement makes her laugh.

"Yeah, it's Leo you'll have to make an effort with."

"I know."

* * *

Tom opens his eyes, he's drowsy, Alex groans and he feels her burring her face on his shoulder. He reaches for the offensive phone on the bedside table, and picks it up "Yeah?"

"Sir I need you to get ready we have a code red!" Mike's voice is urgent, the words 'code red' are enough to wake him up completely.

"Fuck," he whispers through his teeth, "Thank you Mike." He says and hangs up the phone, Alex is still sleeping, her head on his shoulder, he hates having to wake her up, she looked so peaceful sleeping and he had missed this sight. "Alex." He tries to wake her up. Softly calling her name but she just buries her face on his neck and refuses to wake up, he tries again "Alex!" this time nudging her too.

"What?" she asks, he stops for a moment, he had totally forgotten how she looked first thing in the morning, hair tangled, eyes drowsy from sleep. He pulls himself together fast, "Wake up there's a code red, they're moving us underground." He sees the words registering with her, sitting up she clutches the sheet on her chest with one hand while the other runs through her hair, "What happened?"She asks, "What about the kids." Tom was putting his pants on froze while buttoning his pants, in the haze of it all he forgot for a moment that Penny and Leo were not in the cabin with them. "Them too." He knows that Mike isn't going to leave anyone unprepared just in case this is actually happening, "I don't know more, just get dressed the secret service will barge in, in a few minutes." Alex gets up, holding the sheet tightly against her chest gathering her clothes from the floor, "I don't like that part of your job very much." She says smirking letting the sheet fall on the floor as she walks in the bathroom

"Me neither." Tom muses as he watches her walk away.

* * *

Mike barged in a few minutes later, the full detail in his tail; Tom barely had time to look at Alex before being, almost carried out of the room and down to the bunker. He sees Alex entering the outer room just as the door of the comms room closed. He takes a deep breath and turns around, the generals are there sitting in their seats, this reminds him a lot PEOC in the white house, he guesses that when the camp started being used as a presidential retreat they also built all the secure rooms needed to respond to attacks. he walks to his seat and sits down. "So what is going on?" he asks.

"Sir we have intelligence saying that the North Korean government has acquired fully operational nuclear missiles and there is the possibility that one of them is going to be fired on the US in the next hours, we have people ready to deploy." Tom looks around at the faces of the people in this room, he remembers the first night being president, general Cochrane was pushing him to launch an all out attack after the capitol bombing on Iran, he half jokingly told him then that he should launch a nuclear missile, he never thought he would have to ever actually do it.

"Fuck," he murmurs under his breath, he turns to Admiral Chernow, he looks back at him, his face carrying a look of almost defeat, one that scared him frankly. "That's gonna mean a full blown nuclear war, right?" all of his generals are looking down, even Cornelius looks away before answering instead of the Admiral, "I'm afraid so sir."

"Do we have anyone on the ground able to sabotage the missiles?" Tom asks, he doesn't know how much of good that would make, especially if the missiles are launched or close to being launched. The director of CIA looks up, his face almost lighting up, "We can get people there." He says, Tom stops for a moment he realizes what he just asked, he is putting boots on the ground.

"Director I don't want you to put your people in any unnecessary risks." The director smiles, it's a sad smile not at all reassuring, "Only the necessary sir."

* * *

Alex sat down on the couch outside the secure room Tom was in, she was tired, but couldn't close her eyes, waiting for Penny and Leo to come. "Penny!" Leo follows a few steps his face conveying the worry that she also feels.

"What is going on mommy?" Penny asks, Alex gets herself more comfortable on the couch and makes some space for Penny.

"Nothing sweetheart, it's just a drill, come get back to sleep." Penny closes her eyes falling back to sleep pretty easily. She looks at Leo, he was standing at the end of the couch, he looked worried, "Leo?"

"It's not a drill is it?" he asks, Alex bites her lip, looking away for a moment.

"We don't know."

* * *

"We have confirmation it's a hoax. Delta Out" Tom feels like breathing out for the first time in hours, he sits back on his chair, relaxing for the first time in since the phone rang hours ago. "Thank god." He murmurs he looks up, Cornelius' face greets him, there's a small shy smile on his mentor's face. "Cornelius you heard that?"

"Yes I did!" Tom feels his heartbeat slowing, but there's a headache spreading. "I want you to get on it as soon as possible; you have the all clear from me to negotiate a solution alright?" Cornelius nods, he writes something down on his notebook, "Yes sir!" he says, Tom waves him off and Cornelius ends the feed.

"Good night everyone." Tom says to the people in the room before getting out, he comes face to face with Alex and their kids, Penny is sleeping curled up against her side, Leo is using one of the decorative pillows from the couch his head on Alex's lap, his feet tangling off of the couch. He smiles at the image in front of him, "Hey," Alex looks up smiling, she looks tired, apparently not getting any sleep, he wouldn't blame her, neither of them would be able to sleep well for a while."Shh, they're sleeping." She warns him with a small smile.

"What happened?" she asks him, Tom smiles, "It was a hoax, false alarm." Alex smiles back, the relief etched on her face.

"I can get Penny, we'll have to wake up Leo though." He tells her, Tom lifts Penny who in her sleep seems to sense the change and wraps her arms around his neck, Alex gently wakes up Leo. "Leo" Leo opens his eyes, the florescence light bothers him and he blinks a couple times, "Hey, come on get up" he sits up rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Is Armageddon here?" he asks, Alex bites her lip tightly not to laugh.

"No, just a hoax." Tom says, there's a smirk on his face that takes Alex by surprise.

Leo stands up and starts walking side by side with Tom, "Meh, I was hoping for the post apocalyptic monsters to come."

"Maybe next time." Tom responds mischievously.

* * *

Morning came far too soon for both of them; Alex looked at Tom packing his briefcase, not taking yesterdays clothes with him, a warm feeling made her believe that he was planning on coming back soon. She liked this Tom; he was more like the man before the presidency, a man she had missed greatly. "I have to leave, but I want you to come back, please?" she's taken back, she thought he would ask to visit again, she's not sure whether or not this was a good idea, the man she saw was the man she wanted to miss, and he handled a nuclear crisis without losing his patience, something that she was sure wouldn't have happened a few weeks ago.

"I will, but there's one condition." She tells him, she doesn't know why the hell she asks him of that, she's actually scared, probably for the first time in their shared life together, of how he was going to react, she now knows that he went through three therapists, dismissing them all after they dared to get a bit closer to the issue

"Anything." He tells her taking her hands in his.

"I want you to see a therapist, I need you to work, actively on your issues," she sees him freezing but to her delight he doesn't let do, instead his hands clutching hers tighter "Trust me, hiding behind our fingers is not going to help." He looks up, there's the realization in his eyes, "You did?" he asks her.

Alex smiled softly, "Yeah." She tells him, there's a tense silence between them, Alex was rigid she didn't know what to expect, it took him just a few minutes before responding simply, "Alright."

Alex smiles, she takes her hands from his and wraps her arms around him, hugging him closely, she feels the tears filling up her eyes, tears of joy for one.

"Alright."

 **A/N: Here it is, we're only two chapters away from the epilogue, it seems only yesterday I was screaming with MeredithBrody about this idea and now here we are. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, please let me know what you are thinking till next time here's a sneak peek!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _Tom looks at his staff awkwardly entering the room, they seemed to be fidgety, he wouldn't blame them, "I gathered you all here because I need to talk to all of you." Tom sits down waving them to take a seat as well…_


	20. Apologies

**Chapter 20: Apologies**

Tom looks at his staff awkwardly entering the room, they seemed to be fidgety, he wouldn't blame them, "I gathered you all here because I need to talk to all of you." Tom sits down waving them to take a seat as well "I want you all to know that I am incredibly sorry for my behavior in the past few months, it was unacceptable for me to blame things on you. I hope you can all forgive me because honestly I'm gonna need you all more than ever." He looks at the people sitting in front of him, they look at each other.

"Sure thing." Kendra answers first smiling widely. Emily was smiling too, nodding back.

"Gladly." Lyor said, he had a smirk on his face that slightly unnerved Tom, but he let it pass.

"I can clear my schedule out." Seth said, Tom saw the smile on his face; he had to admit that he was the most worried about Seth, he knows that the young man doesn't like him that much those days but he still valued his talents and opinions.

"Thank you guys." He feels like the smile on his face started becoming permanent and he likes it a lot, it reminds him of a part of himself that he was sure had died. "Now about the elections, I talked with Alex and I have decided that I am going to run, I have called Director Forstell here later to ask him to start the vetting process for Congressman Young." He sees the shocked looks on their faces, all but Kendra had no idea that he was actually actively considering to run and not only that but he had chosen a running mate as well.

"You chose him sir?" Emily asks,

"Yes."

"He's a good pick, comes with a solid family, his wife, president Bartlet's youngest daughter just had a baby." Lyor starts mumbling, he looks at his shocked face, apparently he didn't think he was going to chose someone.

"He's willing to come onboard?" Seth asks.

"Yes, Secretary Moss talked to him and I have a meeting with him later today." He sees the smiles on their faces a chorus of, "That's amazing," filled the room.

"Great, Seth, Kendra, can you stay back for a moment?" Seth and Kendra look at each other, Emily seems to be freezing at the door but soon Aaron led her out.

"Of course." Seth says, Kendra sits back down Seth sitting next to her awkwardly, Tom thanks them, he doesn't know how to start but he knows he needs to explain himself to both of them, he wants to keep them there for the rest four or even eight years and this can't happen unless they actually repair their relationship, and sure he has a better relationship with Kendra rather than Seth but he still hadn't actually apologized to her.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the way treated both of you, I have no problem with your relationship as long as it doesn't affect your work, I'm actually delighted with it." Kendra smiles widely, she stands up and wraps her arms tightly around his shoulders, and whispers to his ear, "I'm glad you're back." Tom feels the tears welling up in his eyes "So am I, thank you." He whispers back.

"I missed you." She whispers again before pulling back, Seth, although shocked is smiling as well, Tom realizes how out of shape they are when it comes to smiling, he pulls back still holding an arm on her back. "Okay, enough with that, let's get back to work, we have state visit coming on." He says patting Kendra on the back softly.

"About that sir, the first lady is going to be here right?" Seth asks, he remembers the questions by Tiffany earlier.

"Yes Alex and the kids are coming back from Camp David in an hour actually." He responds, Kendra sees the features in his face changing, softening a bit.

"Amazing." She tells him.

* * *

Tom was nervous looking at the sky waiting for the helicopter to appear on the sky. He sees it coming closer and closer and his smile is just growing. As soon as the helicopter landed Tom started almost running closer, Penny was the first on to get off the helicopter, she ran to him, calling him, "Daddy!"

"Careful little pea you nearly knocked me down!" he jokes holding her tightly, he was kneeling down, his arms just holding his little girl tightly.

"Sorry." He sees her smile, he knows that smile, "No you're not!" Penny hugged him again, Tom sits up, Penny still clutching him tightly, Tom doesn't care about carrying her.

"Hey," he leans forward places a kiss on Alex's lips.

"Hey."

"Leo" he gives Leo a half hug, the best he can with Penny still hugging him.

"Hey."

"Let's get inside." Tom says, Alex takes wraps her arm around Leo's shoulders and all four of them start walking inside, "How come the press is not here?" Alex asks him as they walked in the residence, Tom smiles mischievously.

"Seth scheduled the briefing earlier." He says, Alex laughed, a smile stayed on her lips, "Smart Seth." She murmurs.

"Yeah, let's get you settled." He says letting Penny down. Penny and Leo turn around and go to their rooms, Penny especially obviously exited to be back in her room. Alex extends her arm to him, Tom looks at her taking her hand and following her to their bedroom. The room exactly as it was when she left; he had some trouble sleeping there alone, so he found himself using one of the guest bedrooms on the third floor instead of the main bedroom.

"You have time for lunch?" she asks him, Tom smiles nodding, "Yes some."

"I need to talk to Leo first." Tom says leaning closer kissing her cheek before he started walking out of the room.

"What about?" she asks him, there's a little worry in her smile which she tries to still keep there.

"It's a secret." He tells her with a smile.

"Tom!" she warns him this time. "Trust me I got it." He reassures her before walking out of the room. All the way to Leo's bedroom he felt the nervousness spiking up in him, sure they weren't up in arms all anymore, but he was still worried, after all they seemed to be better last time and then out of nowhere he blew it. Standing in front of the closed door of his son's bedroom Tom takes a couple of deep breaths before knocking. "Leo? Can I come in?"

"Sure." Leo responds from inside, Tom opens the door and walks in, Leo is arranging his dresser, closing the drawer and turning around when Tom closes the door behind him.

"I, I am sorry about what happened last time. I don't mind inviting your friend over anytime you want." Tom feels like a weight left from his shoulders when he finished the sentence, Leo's smile was just the cherry on top, he knows his son and he knows that this is probably going to go much better than he had ever hoped. "Thanks. She's really great dad." He tells him,

"I'm sure she is." Tom sits down next to Leo on the bed. "She's with you right." Leo chuckles, "She's sure patient." Tom nods.

"Yeah, I want you to come to the state dinner this Friday," Leo looks at him, he seems to be slightly scared, he isn't the type to get involved in the public and Tom hates having to ask him but Lyor suggested it would be good if they were seen as a family for this state dinner considering that he is announcing his campaign tomorrow "And you can invite her too if you want." Leo smiles the slight terror and discomfort disappearing from his face.

"Really?" Tom smiles, "Yes, her father will probably be invited too so," Leo, to Tom's surprise hugs him, Tom almost forgot when was the last time Leo willingly hugged him but he savored it. "Thank you."

Tom smiles and leans back "No problem, your mother is preparing lunch for all." Leo's face drops, it makes Tom smile a bit, Alex was great in many things cooking was not one of them though.

"Oh."

* * *

After lunch Alex followed Tom downstairs, after he left for the west wing she made her way to her office in the first floor of the east wing. Her desk was just like she left it, the papers pilling up, she realizes that she needs to do a better job categorizing and going through staff and makes a mental note to talk to Zoe and Abbey about recommending anyone for her chief of staff. She was so intent on helping Tom staff up the government and his staff that forgot about staffing up her staff. She sits down and starts going through the papers she brought with her with the last minute details for the state dinner, this time was easier; she supposes that maybe because it's the second state dinner she's hosting, maybe that's one of the things that get easier with time.

After a couple hours there was a soft knock on the door, "Come in!" she says and Kendra comes in smiling.

"Hey Kendra!" Alex stands up greeting the other woman with a hug. The two of them walk to the couches on the other side of the office and sit down.

"There is a problem." Kendra tells her, Alex looks at her worried, her mind instantly went to Tom, "What?" she ask, she sees Kendra though biting her lip, she looks almost embarrassed to be here, something that makes Alex even more curious, although a bit less worried.

"Well, I only have one gown and that is it!" Alex laughs, she didn't expect that, but it sure was a problem she could easily solve.

"I can help. Come with me upstairs."

* * *

Alex leads Kendra in the closet and starts taking out gowns, Kendra was shocked seeing all the dresses Alex would pull out, some of them a bit too revealing for what she thought the first lady likes.

"Holly shit!" Kendra can't stop herself, "What are all those?" Alex turns around she was holding a blush gown in her hands, "Gowns Kendra." She responds in a matter of fact voice.

"I know that! Why you show them to me?"

Alex smirks, and lets the gown down on a table in the middle of the room. "Because they are not exactly what I would call 'First Lady material' so for at least the next few years I'm not gonna be wearing them." She tells her with a smile on her face that only screamed trouble for Kendra.

"So you're giving them to me?"

"Yeah," Alex responds, she turns her attention back to the gown, the neckline gave Kendra a headache but she wasn't going to be responding. "How about Jovani? Gave Tom a heart attack."Kendra takes a good look at the gown, it was embellished with some gold details, the plunging neckline sure seemed as if it could give a heart attack to the president. Kendra runs her hand over the soft fabric.

"It's amazing, what will you be wearing?" Alex stops looking through clothes and turns around, "I don't know yet, so that one is in the bag." She returns to her quest and pulls out a bright red gown this time.

"Ok there's this Clarisse, by the way that's how we got Penny." She says placing the gown over the other one, Kendra looks at the dress with wide eyes, this one had not only a plunging neckline but it was also a mermaid style dress, and one that seemed to be extremely fitting around the waist

"Don't you want to keep it for sentimental reasons?"Kendra suggest, Alex stops her search and looks over her shoulder her smile sending slight chills down Kendra's spine.

"No, I kept the couch."

"Too much." Kendra says winching, that was indeed an all too revealing peek into the president's life. Alex doesn't seem to be stopping, she pulls another dress this time the royal purple color of the dress drew her attention,

"And this Ramona will look good." Alex mentions putting the dress above the others, Kendra touches the silk fabric it's as soft at the touch as it looks. "I like the color a lot." She mentions, Alex smirks, "Yeah, I don't know how it's still in one piece though." Kendra's eyes widen "Alex!" Alex smiles at Kendra's slightly shocked face. She knows for a fact that the younger lawyer wasn't that prude in reality she was quite the opposite, "Anyway moving on." She turns back to the closet until a squeal of joy makes Kendra's head snap

"Oh here it is! I knew it was somewhere in here!" Alex said in delight, Kendra was shocked to say the least, she wasn't sure Alex was even capable of squealing.

"What?" Kendra asks, she sits up and moves closer, Alex walks to the table and lays a royal blue dress.

"This!" Alex says, Kendra looks at thee gown with wide eyes, it's shimmering under the lights, the sheer panels it has seemed to be sewn with glitter "Oh! That's," Kendra looks at the dress and then at Alex in shock, she can only imagine the reaction she's gonna get from Seth with that.

"That's it right?" Alex asks smirking.

"Yeah."

"Let's mess with their heads shall we?" Alex tells her, Kendra looks at her and a smile forms on her lips, "Deal." She responds.

After that Alex walks to the back finding one of the smaller suitcases she keeps there, placing the gowns carefully inside, they walk back to the living room, in silence. Alex is itching to ask Kendra how she's doing; it's a question that's been bugging her since she came back from Camp David.

"Kendra, how are you?" she asks her, Kendra was about to open the door, but stops, almost frozen her hand on the handle, the other gripping the suitcase handle tightly.

"I'm good." She answers almost reflectively.

"You know what I mean." Alex insists, she knows this answer, it's a type, Tom always used to tell her he's good when she would ask, but he wasn't.

"I'm dealing I guess."Kendra lowers her head, looking at the floor, avoiding Alex's eyes, but Alex won't have any of that. She raises Kendra's chin, "You have to see a professional; it's going to eat you alive if not." Kendra smiles, but Alex can see the sadness still lingering in the back in her eyes.

"I will."

* * *

Tom finished up around six for the first time in ages and set off for the residence, he barely had time to leave his briefcase in his office when one of the butlers, Jimmy, came in and announced that Charlie and Zoey were waiting.

Tom walks to the living room, the young couple smiling walks to him, "Charlie, I'm really glad to meet you." Tom says shaking Charlie's hand.

"So am I sir." He turns to Zoey, Tom remembers her as she looked during her father's presidency but she had changed so much since then, "Here's my wife Zoey." Tom smiles and shakes Zoey's hand.

"Nice meeting you, please come in, my wife will be here shortly."

Zoey chuckles, "No need to apologize sir, we both know what it's like." She says, Tom smiles and shakes his head, "Of course, how is your father?" he asks, Zoey's smile grew twice its size, "He is delighted with his newest granddaughter." She says,

"I'm sure he is."

"Acts like ten years younger I tell you." Charlie joins in the conversation, the three of them started talking, Tom felt the weight leaving his shoulders, he was petrified that all the hype and when he meets Charlie he's just not gonna like him and everything would go to hell.

It was about half an hour later that Alex walked in the room, "I am so sorry for being late," she says greeting both Charlie and Zoey, Tom sits back almost mesmerized, she looked as if this was normal, just a daily routine.

"Please no need to apologize, preparing for a state visit is a nightmare." Zoey says, Alex smiles at the remark simply responding, "It is." Zoey nods knowingly, "My mother and I can help anytime you anytime you want." She offers, Alex smiles widely and sits down across from Tom.

"I might take you up on your offer."

* * *

Tom was fidgeting, the dinner was over and Charlie and Zoey left after promising they'll talk again tomorrow at the state dinner.

"What do you think?" he asks Alex as soon as she walks out of the bathroom.

"I like them, they are young but they have experience, and I could use Zoey and Abbey's help." Tom smiles and nods, he's never going to admit it but he is relieved that Alex liked them too. "Yeah, I thought about it too, President Bartlet would be around as well."

"He's incredibly popular; he could campaign for you guys." She says, sitting down on the bed next to him, her hand reaching for his. "So you're on board?" Tom asks.

"One hundred percent."

* * *

Tom looks at his watch again, he feels the nerves spiking again and wonders is this going to be his life every time there's a state dinner?

He lies back on the bed covering his face with a pillow, not really sure if this is helping him or will smoother him easier. Alex's heels are heard on the floor and he sits up, "You're ready?" he asks before turning around.

"Yup, what you think." She asks him showing her dress, Tom feels dizzy, there's a buzzing noise in his ears, "Wow." Is all he managed to say looking at his wife in her figure hugging red gown.

"Yeah that's what I was going for." She takes his arm smiling widely.

"It's gonna be a long night." Tom murmurs, if only he knew…

* * *

Kendra walks slowly down the stairs, she curses the time they decided on a two floor apartment, going down the stairs in high heels she just realized how tight the dress actually was. She stands at the foot of the stairs, Seth had just turned around, the look on his face enough to make the walk down the stairs and the risk of breaking her neck worth it.

"Wha… what is this?" he asks in shock.

"A dress?" Kendra responds calmly, she walks to the door but Seth seems to be bolted on the same spot. "Can we get going; I don't want to be late." Seth shakes his head, it seems as if he's trying to jumpstart his brain before following her to the car, murmuring to himself, "Damn it's gonna be a long night."

* * *

"I know this dress!" Alex looks at Tom sitting next to her; they had gone through most of the dinner without a hitch although Alex had tried really hard to make it just a little bit challenging for Tom.

"What dress?" she asks innocently, she knows he doesn't believe her; he's too smart for that.

"The one Kendra is wearing!" she looks at him, amazed, that he's still keeping the smile on his face, "Oh dear, it does look awfully familiar doesn't it?"

The realization hits him straight on the moment he sees Alex's mischievous smile and the all familiar glint in her eyes that only meant trouble for him. "What did you two do?" he asks her, his voice low.

"I don't understand you dear."

"Follow me!" Alex stands up, biting her cheek trying to stop herself from laughing and follows him outside, Tom almost drags her into what seemed to be a closet, "What?" she asks him her best innocent look on her face.

"What? You ask what? What are you planning?"

"Nothing, Kendra had nothing to wear, and I offered to lend her something." She looks at him freezing, all color slowly draining from his face, for a moment she's worried that something had actually happened to him, "Tom?" she tries shaking him a little.

"You two are conspiring!" Alex laughs; "That's an overreaction." She tells him turning around and walking out of what actually was a closet.

"No, no, no. I know you Alex! You're gonna pay for this!" he tells her, following her down the corridor back to the state dinner room. Alex stops at the door and smiles back at him, "Game on darling. Let's see who wins." She dares him, Tom curses, "Fuck me!" making Alex laugh, and tell him over her shoulder

"All in good time Tom."

 **A/N: Thank you for reading just two more chapters including the epilogue are left, this was more fun and lighthearted chapter which I think I owed it to all of you who have stuck with me for so long. Thank you so much for reading again, Till next time!**

 **Sneak Peek:**

 _Tom sits back on his chair, he had gotten so little sleep last night that barely counted as any sleep at all. He looks at his schedule and smiles, Hannah should be here at any moment, and like clockwise here she was on time…_


	21. Conclusions and solutions

**Chapter 21: Conclusions and solutions**

Tom sits back on his chair; he had gotten so little sleep last night that barely counted as any sleep at all. He looks at his schedule and smiles, Hannah should be here at any moment, and like clockwise here she was. The briefing goes on without a hitch and Hannah is ready to leave when Tom stops her, "Hannah is it true that Chuck is awake?" she smiles, there's some sadness in her smile, "Yes sir, he doesn't remember much though." She responds.

Tom nods he waves her to sit back down, "He remembers you though doesn't he?" he asks as soon as Hannah takes her seat again.

"Yes." Tom smiles and reaches out for her hand which was resting on her lap, "I'm sure he'll get better, I'd like to visit him if I could." His suggestion takes her by surprise, he can see that in her eyes. It takes her a while but she smiles back, "Of course, I'll give Mike the address."

Tom let's go of her hand and stands up, Hannah follows him immediately, "Thank you, how about later today?" he suggests, he sees Hannah fishing her phone from her pocket and going through her calendar, "Well he has a doctor's appointment but we'll be home after 6." She tells him, Tom nods, "Great, I'll be there about 7 then."

"Of course sir."

"Have a good day Hannah." He tells her, she smiles, it's genuine and it almost takes Tom by surprise because he can't remember the last time he saw her smiling.

"You too Mr. President."

* * *

Hannah sees Alex on her way out, "Hey!" Alex smiles widely and gives her a hug, Hannah has to admit she missed her a lot, since leaving the white house and Alex coming back she didn't see much of her.

"How's Chuck?" Alex asks, her worry visible in her face, Hannah smiles widely "He's alright, he woke up, although he can't remember much." Alex smiles back "But that's great news! He's alright and he's gonna get better."

"I hope so." Alex gives her another hug. "I know so" she tells her.

"Let me walk you outside."

* * *

Tom sees John walking inside, he seems unsure why he is here, "John, I'm glad you made it." He tells him.

"Of course sir, I thought deputy director Wells briefed you." He's discomfort radiating from him.

"She did, this is more of a," he stops, not really sure how to word it, "Personal nature." He sees the realization in his eyes, John nods, "It's about our kids isn't it?" he says.

"Indirectly it is."

"Okay," Tom takes a moment to find the right words, it wasn't so easy as he suspected it would be but he knew he had to move on from that not only for Leo but for himself as well.

"I want to tell you that I don't blame you for what happened, I know you were doing your job, I might not agree with you but you were right." John looked shocked, he definitely didn't expect that.

"I guess I was a bit of an asshole" he says, a half crooked smile on his lips the first time in a long time, "That you were." Tom says smiling back.

"I'm gonna have Hannah continue the briefings, she knows this place much better after all." John says breaking the silence that followed, Tom nods, he prefers it that way after all, "That's fine by me." He says.

Tom walks back to his desk, "Alright, how about the congressman's vetting?" he asks John.

"It's is complete, I will send it over tomorrow, we're working on some last kinks." He answers, Tom smiles, "Good, thank you." He tells him.

"Thank you sir."

* * *

Tom stood outside the door for about five minutes, he didn't know what to say, apparently Chuck didn't even knew who he was and yet again he doesn't know what to say. He decides the hell with it and he knocks the door.

It doesn't take Hannah long to open the door, "Sir, come in." she says stepping to the side to let him in. "Thank you Hannah." He tells her when she takes his coat, he turns to his left and sees Chuck, he's sitting on the couch, and for a moment, just a moment their eyes lock, it unnerves Tom, "Chuck?" he hears Hannah's voice from a few steps behind him, Tom takes his eyes from Chuck and turns them to Hannah, "I think I remember," he stops, looking at Tom for a moment, it was like he was studying him, like he was trying to make sure he remembered whatever it was correctly. "Please tell me Damian is dead." He asks Hannah who smiles back at him.

"He is." She tells him, Chuck smiles widely, "Good, he had this plan, he would place a bomb in your apartment."

"He did." Hannah tells him, the two of them almost ignore Tom standing there as Hannah walks to Chuck and sits down next to him.

"He knew about the first lady too." Chuck blurts out, he freezes for a moment and turns to Tom, "He knows right?" he asks Hannah who nods, "Yes. She's back in the white house." Tom says, Chuck smiles, but his attention turns to Hannah pretty fast after that. "Good."

"You understand why I didn't tell you at first then, right?" Hannah ask him, Tom can see her fidgeting with her fingers waiting for his answer, it hits him that Chuck didn't know the truth either, and yet he trusted her, he doesn't know why he waits for the answer with his heart in his throat but he does.

"Yeah." The small word shocks Tom, he didn't expect such an easy resolution to this, he knows that if it was him… well when it was him he didn't take it as easily. He watches as Hannah smiles and wraps her arms tightly around Chuck, and in that moment he understands, just a little bit.

Chuck pulls back and turns his attention back to Tom, "He was planning a biological attack on the white house. He didn't say how, but that's what he was planning." He says. Tom looks at Hannah, the smile was still there and it puzzled him, she realizes that he probably doesn't know "We dealt with this, John and I."

 **A/N: Thank you so so much for reading, this story has almost come to an end, I wanna thank you all for reading this story and reviewing!**

 **For one last time here's a sneak peek from the epilogue:**

 _Alex was feeling like crap all morning, she had found some really important news yesterday but she didn't have time to talk to Tom at all, hopefully she'll catch up on him later, she hates keeping secrets from him especially something as important…_


	22. Epilogue

**Chapter 22: Epilogue**

Alex was feeling like crap all morning, she had found some really important news yesterday but she didn't have time to talk to Tom at all, hopefully she'll catch up on him later, she hates keeping secrets from him especially something as important. Walking to the dining room she sees Tom sitting there, his glasses slipping low on his nose, deeply distracted by the news paper. She walks to him and wraps her arms around his shoulders leaning down and kissing his cheek "Anything fun there?" she asks him, she can see his smile forming "Nah, just boring" he tells her turning to face her. She missed seeing him smile like that, but these days it feels like she found the man he used to be before the bombing again. She gives him another kiss, this time on the lips, before walking to the chair to his right, her hand was itching to get to the coffee but she had promised to cut down on and so reluctantly she reached for the orange juice. They ate breakfast in relative silence, Alex was just trying to gather the courage to tell him the news but couldn't. When she sees him getting his briefcase ready she almost panics.

"You have a fundraiser today right?" he asks and she realizes that she needs to tell him now, "Yes, I want to tell you something." Tom offers her an apologetic look, "Is it important? I'm already late for a meeting with Forstell."Alex bites her lip, this wasn't that important of course it could wait, "No, it can wait." She tells him, "I'll wait." She smiles at him, trying to hide the disappointment with herself, she should have talked to him sooner, "Great. Love you." He tells her before kissing her in a hurry again and almost running out the door.

"I love too." Alex murmurs to the closing door.

* * *

Tom walks in the office, John already waiting for him there, "Thank you for seeing me so fast sir," he tells him shaking his hand, Tom leaves the briefcase on the desk and leads John to the couch where he waves him to take a seat.

"No problem John, just tell me what's wrong, and I'm sorry if I was late but I overslept today." John smiles, "Not a problem sir." He says. He reaches in his briefcase and removes a quite thick folder passing it on to Tom "The real problem is Pax Americana."

"They're dead aren't they? I mean they lost their leadership." Tom says putting on his glasses and opening the folder, he was sure that with Lloyd's death Pax American must have been dead.

"I'm afraid they are not. They are looking for a leader and I'm pretty sure they are uniting under Senator Bowman since his campaign has showed a strong connection with the alt right. We already received some threats against you and Congressman Young which have been forwarded to the secret service" Tom feels his blood freezing, if these madmen have threatened him and Charlie then Alex and Zoey have received threats too, not to mention their kids. "Thank you, about," he starts but John cuts him off fast, "We didn't get any specific threats about the first lady." Tom breathes out in relief, "Thank you, you'll keep your eye open though right?"He asks John who smiles understandable and reassures him, "Of course."

"I'll have a talk with Senator Bowman inform him of the danger." Tom tells John who nods and stands up, "That would be good."

"Thank you director." Tom shakes John's hand after the man picked his things up.

"Have a good day sir."

* * *

Alex was walking to the car when she started feeling lightheaded, she guessed that this was about to happen at one point, she's surprised it took so long to be honest. She grips Daisy's arm, her new head of security and tells her, "Daisy, don't get worried, but um," Daisy looks at her worried, but Alex can't really speak for a moment "I am," she takes another break and leans forward to steady herself on the car. "I'm going to collapse." Daisy's grip strengths and Tony, the other agent opens the door.

"Ma'am, are you alright?" Daisy asks her as soon as she's in the car. Alex leans back with her eyes closed, "Um, yeah it's normal." She opens her eyes and smiles a bit to her agent, her puzzled face slowly lights up with the realization, "Ma'am are you?" Alex nods and closes her eyes again, "We need to rush to the hospital!" Daisy yells at the driver.

* * *

Life was good at the moment, after everything he went through, after everything they went through their lives were finally in order, at least as much in order as their lives could be in the middle of the elections. Tom knew he would face an uphill battle when he decided to run as an independent but he doesn't regret it, Alex once asked him "Who are we without our principals Tom?" and now he knew the answer, they were nothing, absolutely nothing without their principals. Even if those principals make life harder for all of them.

Alex had left for a fundraiser she was hosting; she would have to be back at any moment now. Bored he turned on the TV mindlessly scrolling through the channels; the breaking news graphic caught his eye while on CNN and stopped to see what that would be. He rolled his eyes at Wolf Blitzer, he was sure the news that they reached a deal to raise the debt limit would have broke sooner but apparently not. Still those are not breaking news. He chuckles and settles back into his chair comfortably when Emily barges through his door, a disheveled look on her face, worry in her eyes.

"Emily what's going on?" he asks her, the look in her eyes is worrying him so badly. "Sir, Agent Burrows called, the first lady… Alex wasn't feeling well and they are driving her to George Washington." Tom feels the blood in his veins freezing, this can't be happening again, his brain shut down and he felt his whole body paralyzing.

"Why? Emily is she alright?" he asks as soon as he finds his voice again. "She said that she was fine and fighting her detail but she collapsed getting in her car and they weren't taking any chances." He feels the breath he was holding leaving his lungs, if Alex was fighting the secret service agents then she was alright.

"I have to go to her now!"

The ride to the hospital was short; the motorcade speeded through the streets which were cleared for them. The car barely stops at the hospital and Tom was already out of it not waiting for Mike to check the area and open the door for him. He can barely listen to his dear friend calling his name as he speeded towards the emergency room where she probably was.

"Where is she?" he looks around the room, there's a nurse few feet away in a room, a glass window between them but doesn't answer him, he feels his head spinning, why no one tells him where Alex was? "WHERE IS MY WIFE?" the tone of his voice takes the nurse by surprise he just realizes that the glass must be thicker than it looks. He walks outside of the room his voice steady, he slowly and gently takes his arm, "Sir, Mrs. Kirkman is this way" he tells him and leads him towards the trauma room in the back of the ER; it's the most secluded one, the most private. He leaves him alone; Tom is almost too confused, the adrenaline slowly draining from his veins. He barely manages to thank the man before pushing the door open. Alex was standing next to a bed, a nurse was standing in the back, he could hear her tiding things up but didn't really care to look for her. His eyes were focused on Alex. She was buttoning her crimson shirt, already wearing her pants, the paper hospital gown discarded on the unmade bed.

"Tom!" he takes her extended hand in his, it's warm, soft, calming. He walks the last few steps closer to her, close enough to wrap his free hand around her waist. "Can we have the room please?" the nurse in the back is hesitant Tom finally turns and sees her, she's an older woman, around sixty, her brown hair graying slowly, her blue eyes piercing as she studies them both. "I'm fine" Alex reassures her and she turns, closing the door behind her she secludes them again into their own private world.

"Hey" he can't stop himself wrapping his arms tightly around her, one arm tightly around her waist, the other finding itself tangled in her hair.

"Hey" his voice is muffled, his face hidden between her neck and her shoulder he knows she can feel his rapid heartbeat, he knows she can feel the few tears escaping his eyes.

"I'm alright Tom." She tells him, he wants to believe her he really does but Emily's words are ringing in his brain, "Emily said you weren't feeling well, she said you fainted." Alex chuckles, "Oh please I felt a little light headed and lost my step it was nothing." She protests.

"Alex it wasn't nothing, they wouldn't bring you to the hospital for nothing!" her indifference to the fact that she was brought in the emergency room baffled him.

"Tom it was nothing, it's actually absolutely normal in my condition." The last word, 'condition' made him freeze, what could she mean? "Condition? Alex please tell me you'll alright."

Alex can't help herself but roll her eyes, her husband really was as observing as a brick wall, "I am Tom." She tells him, "Then why are you here?" she bites her lip, this is now or never she thinks, obviously this wasn't how she wanted to tell him but it will do.

"Well it has something to do with what I wanted to tell you this morning." She looks at his face, all twisted with worry and takes pity on him "I am pregnant Tom."

There's a silence for a few moments, Tom almost too shocked to react, she's worried until he starts rumbling, "You… you are…" he stops taking a few breaths, it's like his brain can't comprehend what he heard. "Really?" he asks, Alex nods, a smile on her face that recently almost became permanent, "Oh my god, we're having another baby." His exited almost scream made her laugh, "We are!" she confirms to him. she barely managed to finish her sentence when Tom just wrapped his arms tightly around her, she doesn't mind, instead she buried her face on his shoulder, maybe this wasn't the way she had planned the announcement to go but she realizes now that it was just perfect anyway.

He pulls back the tears in his eyes for the first time in a long while filled with happiness "I love you both so much." He tells her kissing her again and again.

Alex laughs when she sees him dropping on his knees, his ear on her still flat stomach as he starts talking to their baby, "Hey baby, this is your dad, I love you so much." She starts running her hand through his hair and he looks up, "Please don't give your mom too much trouble will you?"

 **THE END**

 **A/N: We made it! Here's the very last chapter of "Faithfully Yours". Now there will be a sequel later on but until then I hope you guys will enjoy the rest of my stories. Thank you for sticking along.**

 **Till next time, have fun!**


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